


Ray of Light

by SEMellark



Category: Free!
Genre: Depression, F/F, Genderswap, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2015-01-23
Packaged: 2018-02-19 23:01:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 42,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2406092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SEMellark/pseuds/SEMellark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Haruka finds herself going under, Makoto suddenly appears to pull her up and make things more bearable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I've been posting so much today. I was so bored, so all I did was write. Anyway, I'm obsessed with female versions of the boys, so this was born. And of course, I'm a creature of habit, so I made it sad. 
> 
> And please excuse the excessive honorifics on Nagisa's part. I normally can't stand them, but that's just who he (she) is.

The bath water is scalding.

Haruka can see the steam rising from the tub, can feel the heat of it burning her skin. Somehow it isn’t hot _enough,_ but the girl has no energy to sit up and adjust the nozzle. She shifts slightly so her right knee pokes out of the water.

She decides that her skin isn’t red enough and lowers it back down.

Haruka isn’t wearing her swimsuit.

She doesn’t want to ruin the material.

* * *

For years after her grandmother died, everything Haruka did was simply routine.

Wake up, take a bath, make breakfast and head off to school, come home at the end of the day, eat, take another bath, then head off to bed. The next day would come, and the cycle would simply repeat itself.

There were abnormalities, of course. Some days Haruka just couldn’t be bothered, and she would lie in bed long after the sun came up, bundled in her blankets with the blinds drawn closed.

Those were the mornings when the sound of her alarm clock made her start to cry before she’d even opened her eyes, the mornings when she cursed its mechanical ticking for not being the soft, warm voice of her beloved grandmother, gently coaxing her out of bed because she knew how much Haruka loathed attending school.

In those instances, Haruka would sometimes find herself wishing for her parents and silently beg for them to come home.

Those were the moments when Haruka allowed herself to feel lonely.

Her classmates thought her strange. For a while after the funeral, they were all very sympathetic of her plight, but when her enforced solitude continued, it seemed as if they forgot about her entirely.

Haruka didn’t mind. She’d never been a sociable person, and the lack of awkward attempts at small talk took a great deal off her mind. Keeping to herself was much safer.

She sat at the back of the classroom everyday, staring out the window or doodling on blank pages meant for note taking. Her teachers reprimanded her half-heartedly, for there was nothing they could do to make Haruka care about paying attention during class.

The only thing Haruka could do was cram the night before an important exam so she would have acceptable scores on the report the school insisted on emailing to her parents. Whether or not her mother and father actually paid sufficient attention to the reports, Haruka didn’t know, but she didn’t want to do so horribly in school that they would return to Iwatobi.

Or worse, force her to leave the home she’d shared with her grandmother and go to live with them.

Haruka already fancied herself fractured, but she knew without a shadow of a doubt that leaving would finally cause her to break.

* * *

“What are you drawing?”

It took Haruka a moment to realize she was being spoken to. Her hand stopped moving, the graphite of her pencil frozen on the page in mid-stroke. Slowly, she turned her head ever so slightly to the right.

Tachibana Makoto was smiling at her. Haruka only knew her name because they’d gone to preschool together, and Makoto had shared her crayons one day when Haruka had forgotten her own.

Still. That didn’t explain why the other girl was speaking to her.

“Excuse me?” Haruka said after a slight pause. The sound of her own voice was startling. She never spoke at school for lack of someone to actually speak with. She never spoke at home either, also for lack of someone to speak with. When had her voice become as dead as the rest of her?

Makoto’s smile turned into something almost sheepish, and her legs fidgeted underneath her desk, her hands worrying together atop it. “I’m sorry if I’m bothering you. You just draw so much! I got curious.”

Haruka’s eyes darted around the room. Lectures had apparently ended for the hour, and the rest of their classmates were busy chatting amongst themselves. No one stopped to ogle at the fact that someone had actually gotten Haruka to speak. At this point, she doubted anyone cared.

“How do you know I draw a lot?” Haruka asked instead of moving her arm to allow the other girl to see her doodle.

“I sit here everyday.” Something about the green of Makoto’s irises spoke of true disappointment. “I just noticed, I guess.”

Haruka didn’t say anything, and while she’d dismissed the ghost of emotion she _thought_ she’d seen in the other girl’s eyes, she still felt a small twinge of guilt for possibly hurting Makoto’s feelings.

That was the only reason she moved her arm, allowing her classmate to see her paper.

Makoto leaned over, craning her neck slightly to look at the page. “Oh, I see. It’s a dolphin. Don’t they normally swim in pods, though?”

 _Not always._ Haruka thought, staring at the lonely dolphin on her paper, but she kept her mouth firmly shut.

* * *

The first time Haruka burned herself was entirely on purpose, though it was also an accident.

She was six years old and observing on a footstool as her mother made dinner, a type of soba that took meticulous preparation. When she stepped away from the stove to get the water meant to boil the noodles, she told Haruka not to touch the burners.

Naturally, Haruka detested being told what to do and laid her hand down on one of the burners just to disobey. The resulting scream brought her father and grandmother both running from different corners of the household, and her grandmother held Haruka as she cried while the elderly woman berated her mother for leaving Haruka unattended near such a smoldering surface.

While the burn itself was not enjoyable, the aftermath certainly was. Her grandmother made her cookies that night, and her parents held her and read her stories until she dozed off in their arms.

Years later, when Haruka was alone and tried to make the special soba on her own, she plunged her hand into the pot of semi-boiling water if only to make the silence in her house stop.

She got her wish. She cried out and fell to the ground in her small kitchenette, clutching her burned hand to her chest as she wept.

Though she cried for her parents and grandmother, there was no one to come running to her rescue.

That time, it was completely her fault.

* * *

Haruka started paying more attention to Makoto.

Just as she’d said, the green-eyed girl sat in the desk beside Haruka’s everyday. Even if she was the last person in the classroom, no one rushed to take her seat. Haruka wondered if it was simply because no one else wanted to sit there, or if Makoto had somehow managed to claim it as thoroughly as Haruka had claimed her own desk.

It didn’t really matter to Haruka either way. Makoto could sit where she wanted. It didn’t mean anything.

Until one day it suddenly did.

“Nanase-kun, I have a question for you.”

It was raining. Haruka had been watching the drops hit the window when Makoto spoke, a fist pressed to her chin keeping her from falling over onto her desk and passing out. She had spent the previous night learning an entire chapter for their mathematics test and hadn't gotten any sleep.

When she turned to look at Makoto, Haruka’s eyes were half-lidded and buzzing with exhaustion. But she was curious what it was the other girl wanted.

“Well.” Makoto paused. She was turned in her chair so she was facing Haruka completely, hands in her lap, knees pressed firmly together. “I was just wondering. Do you still like to swim?”

Haruka blinked sluggishly. In a distant part of her mind, swimming did sound like something she enjoyed. She was just too tired to be sure. “Mmm.”

Makoto smiled slightly. “My friend and I want to reinstate the swim-club here. We need two more members, and I thought I would ask you. I remember you used to swim at the club before it shut down.”

Haruka furrowed her brow. Ah, the swim club. She did remember that. She remembered the pool and the other children, particularly the girl with the red hair and exhausting passion, and…

“You were there.” Haruka murmured, mostly to herself.

Makoto nodded anyway, reaching up to tug on a wavy, brunette lock of her hair. Haruka watched her movements, though all she wanted to do was sleep. “Yeah, I was. We swam a relay together. You, me, and my friends Nagisa and Rin.”

The relay. All Haruka remembered about it was running into her grandmother’s arms once it was over, laughing as she got the older woman’s floral-patterned dress soaking wet.

Haruka’s mood dropped, and she turned away from Makoto. “Whatever. I’ll do it.” She said. It felt as if there was a rock in her stomach. “I only swim free, though.”

“I know.”

Only after Haruka got a sufficient amount of sleep did she begin to wonder how and why Makoto knew so much about her.

* * *

It didn’t take long for Haruka to regret her decision.

Occasionally conversing with Makoto during class was just fine. But once school ended, Haruka’s time was her own, and she spent most of it trying to ignore the deranged animal tearing her insides to shreds.

Since she agreed to be apart of the nonexistent swim club, Makoto was chattering away at every opportunity, trying to get Haruka to voice her input on how to recruit new members so they could finally start swimming.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Haruka said one day, tugging the sleeves of her school-issued sweater further down her wrists. It was the hottest day of the summer so far, but there were blisters on her arms from her latest escapade with the sink. “If anyone cares about swimming, they’ll join.”

“But Nagisa and I have been trying for almost a month now, and you’re the first person to agree.” Makoto sighed. Her eyes were closed, and she was bent over her desk, cheek pressed to the cool surface in an attempt to alleviate the effects of the heat wave.

Haruka took a moment to look at her, intrigued by the flush on her face for whatever reason.

After a moment, Makoto’s eyes fluttered open, and Haruka was forced to end her observation of the other girl’s unbelievably long eyelashes. She didn’t look away, however, didn’t want it to seem like she had been doing something wrong.

The lazy smile to which Haruka had become accustomed slowly spread across Makoto’s face.

“What?” Haruka demanded.

“You look really pretty today, Nanase-kun.”

Haruka didn’t really think the sweat she could feel accumulating at her hairline was very pretty, nor the messy bun her hair was pulled into, but that was neither here nor there.

The blue-eyed girl shrugged and turned away, annoyed by the heat rising to her face that was _completely_ weather-related.

* * *

Haruka was fixing her hair before school one morning when she wondered if maybe her straightener could serve an alternate purpose.

She lowered it slowly, looking at its reflection in the mirror warily. Strangely, she was always careful when she bothered to straighten her hair, meticulous when it came to keeping the burner away from her skin.

The thought was a tempting one, but she ultimately decided against it, quickly unplugging the offending appliance and putting it away. She had decided some time ago that she was through allowing people to hurt her, to use her when it was convenient and leave her waiting.

Haruka wasn’t going to give anyone enough room to hurt her as her parents had, to leave her as they had.

But the water couldn’t leave. It was everywhere Haruka went, and she’d worked out a balance with it.

The water would stay, so the water was allowed to hurt her, the _only_ thing allowed to hurt her, on her own terms.

It was her only solace, and she clung to it as she used to cling to her grandmother.

* * *

That same day, Makoto asked Haruka if she wanted to eat lunch on the roof with her and Nagisa.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Makoto said soon after she made the offer, probably due to the blank look on Haruka’s face. “I just thought it would be nice. Nagisa’s been wanting to see you again.”

Somehow Makoto always made Haruka feel like there was a life somewhere that the older girl had left behind. The swim club was only a vague memory, a period in the Pre-Funeral Era that Haruka had attempted to wipe from her mind completely. It was hard to miss what she couldn’t fully recall.

“I didn’t bring anything.” Haruka replied, meaning food. She never did. Bringing lunch to school meant having to get up early to prepare it, and she didn’t have the energy. “But I’ll sit with you.”

Makoto made a pleased little sound, and the two of them left their classroom together. They didn’t make it very far.

“Mako-chan!” A slight rush of air followed the cry, and Makoto cried out as she was slammed into from behind. Haruka stepped back, keeping close to the wall. This was exactly why she kept to herself. “Oh, Mako-chan, it’s awful, just awful!”

“Nagisa, you’re being too loud!” Makoto exclaimed, shooting Haruka an apologetic glance. The older girl frowned, wanted to escape back to the safety of the classroom, but she didn’t want to be rude after Makoto had gone out of her way to ask Haruka to join them on the roof. “What’s the matter?”

“She said no again this morning!” Haruka realized that she remembered Nagisa. Back then, Nagisa was akin to a ball of energy, blonde and spritely and cherub-like in a way Haruka’s grandmother had adored. She invited her over to play once, and Haruka and Nagisa had drawn pictures in the kitchen for an hour or so before the younger girl had to go home. Obviously, not much had changed. “What am I doing wrong? I asked nicely, just like you said, but it didn’t work.”

Makoto sighed – this was obviously an ongoing problem – and wrapped an arm around the distraught First Year’s shoulders. “It’s okay, Nagisa. You don’t have to try so hard to get Ryugazaki-kun to join. She just likes track, you know?”

“But – “ Nagisa started to protest again, but then stopped. Haruka tensed when the younger girl turned her head to look at her, blinking in surprise, as if she’d just noticed that she and Makoto weren’t alone. “Oh, my gosh. _Haru-chan!”_

Nagisa ducked out of Makoto’s arm and flung herself at Haruka, who barely managed to keep herself from bolting as she was enveloped in a tight hug.

“Nagisa!” Makoto yelped, though Haruka couldn’t see her through the bright blonde fluff of Nagisa’s hair. “Don’t be so informal!”

“I haven’t seen you in forever!” Nagisa gushed, pulling away slightly to beam up at Haruka. “Mako-chan was right, you got so pretty.”

Haruka quirked an eyebrow while Makoto buried her face in her hands, groaning out a strangled noise that might have been Nagisa’s name.

“You can help me.” Nagisa declared, dropping her hands from Haruka’s shoulders only to grab onto the older girl’s wrist and start to drag her down the hall. “We need Rei-chan for the club. I’m not giving up until she agrees!”

“Wait a second!” Makoto called, and Haruka heard her quick footsteps as she hurried after them. “Nagisa, you can’t just force her to join, and you can’t make Haru – “

The protests died down, and Haruka was left listening to Nagisa’s excited chatter about how this Rei person ate lunch in the library and that _no one can say no to Haru-chan!_

Perhaps it wasn’t polite, but Haruka had always been on a first name basis with Makoto – at least in her head, anyway. Makoto had always been careful to refer to her as “Nanase-kun” and nothing else. How long had she been suppressing the urge to just call Haruka by her first name?

Nagisa led them to the library, and Haruka felt better once she was inside. She didn’t read much anymore and hadn't for years, but the smell of old books reminded her of her grandmother.

It was dim in the room, and Nagisa prowled around quietly, looking for Rei without letting go of Haruka’s wrist. The pressure was agitating her blisters, but Haruka found that she didn’t really mind.

Eventually, they came across a girl sitting by herself at a table, hunched over a thick, hard-back book with a half-eaten apple in one hand.

“Rei-chan!” Nagisa chirped happily, and the girl at the table stiffened. “We found you!”

“Here we go.” Makoto muttered from somewhere over Haruka’s shoulder.

Haruka watched, intrigued, as the girl turned to look at them. She was a First Year like Nagisa if the red ribbon tied around the collar of her blouse was anything to go by, but Haruka decided that her expression was much too serious and unpleasant for someone so young.

“Hazuki-kun, how many times do I have to tell you, I do not have any plans to join the swim club.” Haruka frowned. Her voice was just as serious as the rest of her.

“You’re no fun.” Nagisa groused, finally letting go of Haruka’s wrist. “I brought my friends this time, though, just like I promised.”

Rei adjusted her red-rimmed glasses as her eyes flitted over to Haruka and Makoto. Haruka suppressed the urge to shift under the weight of it. She felt as if she were being calculated. Why on earth did Nagisa want this girl to join the swim club?

“Tachibana Makoto.” Rei said suddenly. “You were there helping the First Years around campus during the Induction Ceremony.”

“Yep, that was me.” Makoto said, bowing slightly. Haruka wanted to roll her eyes. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Likewise.” Those eyes then shifted to Haruka. “And you are?”

“Nanase Haruka.” Makoto supplied before Haruka had the chance to, not that she was going to take it. She didn’t make it a habit of talking to strangers. “She’s in my class.”

“Ah.” Rei continued to study Haruka for a moment longer before turning back to Nagisa. “I’m still not going to change my mind.”

“ _Please?”_ Nagisa clasped her hands together in front of her chest, fixing Rei with what was probably her most pathetic expression. “We just need one more member, and I think you’d be perfect. Every team needs someone with glasses!”

“I don’t see how – “

“I swim breast.” Nagisa announced, and Haruka resisted the urge to groan when Rei shifted uncomfortably. She was one of _those._ “Mako-chan swims back, and Haru-chan swims free. We’re the best in the entire school. And if you join, you’ll be the best, too.”

Rei huffed, blowing her bangs out of her eyes. “I don’t care about being the best.” Now there was something Haruka could attest to. “But if you insist, prove it to me.”

“Prove it?”

“I want to watch you all swim.”

Haruka bristled, but Nagisa was already bobbing her head eagerly, willing to do just about anything to get Rei to agree. “Okay, we can – “

“No.”

Nagisa and Rei were staring at her, and Haruka could feel Makoto’s warmth at her side. The blue-eyed girl straightened her back. “I don’t swim because someone tells me to.” She announced, staring hard at Rei. “I swim because I want to, and I have nothing to prove, not to you or anyone else in this school.”

“Haru-chan.” Nagisa said, surprised.

Haruka turned, ignoring Rei’s guilty expression and Makoto’s concerned stare, and headed for the exit, trembling like a leaf. “I’m leaving.”

“Haru, wait!” Makoto called, but Haruka didn’t look back.

She went home instead of going back to class, and she didn’t go to school the next day, or the day after that, mostly because Rei had made her realize she hadn't been swimming for three years, not since her grandmother died.

And Haruka was scared. She didn’t remember how to coexist with water that wasn’t boiling.

* * *

Haruka had to go back eventually, and when she did, Makoto was waiting for her.

“Thank goodness.” She said when Haruka sat down at her desk moments before the bell rang. “I thought you were really sick.”

Haruka didn’t say anything.

In her absence, Rei had decided to join the swim club, though after a mishap at Samezuka Academy – Haruka didn’t know why Makoto, Nagisa, and Rei went over there and didn’t care to ask – it was revealed that she was so prickly over the thought of joining the club because she didn’t know how to swim. Nagisa sure knew how to pick them.

Haruka didn’t care one way or another, too busy wondering how she was going to get _herself_ into the pool. Some part of her was giddy with childish excitement at the thought of swimming again, but another part was sick with dread.

She’d dragged her swimsuits out of the farthest corners of her closet during her time away from school and tried them on, just to make sure they still fit. Haruka couldn’t really judge the size of her suits, too busy staring at the blemishes on her skin. There were the more current blisters of course, still healing, and then there were ones that were years old, ones that never healed.

They were all over her arms and legs, blisters and patches of discolored skin, and Haruka felt ugly as she looked at them. If she went along with everything, Makoto and Nagisa and Rei would see them, and what would they think of her then?

Still. The day Makoto had set aside for their first practice came, and Haruka wore her swimsuit underneath her uniform when she went to school. Afterward, she walked with Makoto out to the pool, where they met up with Nagisa and Rei.

“This place wasn’t renovated when we had our Induction Ceremony.” Rei said, slight awe in her voice as she stared at the pool. She’d had quite the change of heart in Haruka’s time away from school. “You and Makoto-senpai did this all on your own, Nagisa-kun?”

“Nagisa barely lifted a finger.” That was Matsuoka Gou, the club’s manager. Makoto had introduced Haruka to him the day she came back to school. He was pleasant enough, but Haruka had to wonder if he just wanted to see girls in swimsuits, especially since Rei was forced to wear a borrowed bikini until they got around to finding her something more suitable. “She and Miss Amakata sat and watched while Makoto and I did all the work.”

“Not true!” Nagisa cried, fighting to stay still as Makoto pulled her short, blonde hair back into a ponytail of sorts. “I pulled weeds and filled in plaster and – and – Mako-chan, you _know_ I get hot easily!”

“Yes, I know.” Makoto laughed, throwing Haruka an amused glance. They were all already in their swimsuits. Haruka had yet to remove her blazer, blouse, skirt, and stockings. “You’re a delicate little flower.”

Nagisa seemed pleased with that response, turning her attention to Haruka. “Aren’t you going to put your suit on, Haru-chan?”

Haruka cast a glance at the pool, filled with longing. “I guess… ”

“Strip!” Nagisa started cheering. “Strip!”

“Nagisa-kun, that’s indecent!”

Before she could lose her nerve, Haruka shrugged off her blazer and started unbuttoning her blouse, trying to ignore the way her fingers trembled. With each article of clothing Haruka removed – as more of her burns were revealed – Nagisa’s words of encouragement started to fade away.

For a moment after Haruka stepped out of her skirt, the only sound to be heard was the water lapping at the edges of the pool.

As always, Makoto was there to make the situation light.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you in a swimsuit, Nanase-kun.” She said pleasantly, finished with Nagisa’s hair and starting on her own. Without her uniform on, Haruka could see that Makoto’s arms and legs were comprised of lean muscle and flawless skin. Nagisa was in a similar state of build, though she wasn’t nearly as tall as Makoto.

Haruka realized then that even though she’d stopped swimming, her old companions at the Iwatobi Swim Club had moved on without her. As she was now, she was at the same level as Rei, who could not swim at all.

Turning to the pool, Haruka tried to ignore how exposed she felt, the shocked expressions on everyone’s faces, save Makoto, who somehow always knew how to catch herself.

“You can call me Haru if you want.” She said before diving into the water.

Haruka needn’t have worried. It embraced her like an old friend.

* * *

“Have you ever traveled outside of Japan, Haru?”

Haruka shook her head, folding her arms over the rope separating her lane from Makoto’s. It was late, school had ended hours ago and Nagisa and Rei had already gone home, but still, the two of them swam laps together. Try though she might, Haruka couldn’t ignore that she and Makoto had been spending a lot of time together in recent weeks.

“My parents have.” Haruka said, being careful not to betray how that one word left a bitter taste in her mouth. “They travel a lot.”

Makoto made a small noise of contemplation, arms moving in a half-circle at her side as she treaded water, keeping herself afloat without the use of the rope. Haruka didn’t have to do as much work as she thought to catch up to Makoto and Nagisa. While Haruka always won when they raced, she didn’t have to take as much time to recover now. “I think I want to go to Australia sometime.”

“Why Australia?”

“Remember Rin? She went there to swim for a while when we started junior high. She just got back, actually. She goes to Samezuka now.”

Haruka remembered that they were at Samezuka when they figured out Rei couldn’t swim. Knowing that Rin attended the academy made the trip seem logical.

“The world is so much bigger than Iwatobi.” Makoto said reverently, as if it were sensitive information. “I’ve always wanted to see it.”

Haruka didn’t say a word, though her stomach dropped at the idea of Makoto leaving. Which was completely ridiculous, Haruka concluded, because she wasn’t as dependent on human contact as she used to be and never would be again.

“But I don’t think I’d want to go alone.” Makoto continued, breaking off for a moment as her chin, mouth, and nose dipped under the water. “That’s entirely too terrifying.”

“Take Nagisa. She’s not afraid of anything.”

“And have to watch her at all times to make sure she doesn’t get into trouble? Not likely.” Makoto giggled, and Haruka was left suppressing a smile. “I think I’d drag you along, Haru.”

The twitching sensation around Haruka’s lips died away. She blinked over at Makoto, genuinely confused. “Why me?”

“Why not you?” Haruka was speechless, and Makoto frowned slightly, swimming over the edge of her lane so she could hang on to the rope as Haruka was doing. “Okay, I’m gonna tell you something. Don’t laugh, okay?”

 _I would never laugh at you._ Haruka thought vehemently, but of course, she didn’t say it.

“I’ve wanted to be your friend,” Makoto said slowly, not meeting Haruka’s eyes, “for… gosh, _years_ now.”

“I don’t believe you.” Haruka said bluntly. She wasn’t laughing. Far from it. No one wanted to be her friend, least of all a girl as beautiful and kind as Tachibana Makoto.

Makoto finally looked at her, eyes wide. “Haru! Why wouldn’t I want to be your friend? We’ve known each other since we were kids, you know. It’s not like I just started feeling this way.”

Haruka felt awful, because it was a new thing for her, wanting to be _anyone’s_ friend. And Makoto was it, the one person Haruka was almost willing to make an exception for. But not quite.

“I wanted to tell you how sorry I was when your grandmother died.” Makoto said quietly, and Haruka stilled. “But I thought giving you space… would be best.” It was breaking Haruka to pieces, knowing that maybe, just maybe, if Makoto had been honest back then… “It didn’t seem like you wanted to talk to anybody, least of all me.”

True. It was all true, and that’s what made it unbearable.

“I sat beside you everyday at school after that.” Haruka could only stare. The other girl had been sitting beside her since _junior high?_ “I didn’t work up the nerve to talk to you until this year, though. And I’m so glad I did. You’re really something, Haru-chan.”

“Only Nagisa is allowed to call me that.” Haruka grumbled, mostly because she’d become accustomed to hearing “Haru” fall from Makoto’s lips. It was comforting, having someone address her in such a familiar way.

“So, yeah, that’s why I want to take you traveling with me.” Makoto said, her green eyes sparkling with mirth. “You can draw what we see so we never forget.”

“That’s what cameras are for.” Haruka replied, splashing at Makoto half-heartedly. It was strange. She wanted to fight the feeling of belonging, but she was making no effort to do so. Makoto was impossible to resist. The intensity of her draw was a force to be reckoned with.

Makoto smiled, a wide, joyous thing that showed off the brilliant white of her teeth and the dimples set deep in her cheeks. Haruka found herself wanting to kiss them, which was strange, because she’d only ever kissed one other person before, and that was Matsuoka Rin right before she left for Australia.

Haruka wondered what Makoto would think if she knew, since she and Rin were friends and all.

“Hey, Haru? I don’t live very far from you. Would it be okay if I came to your house tomorrow morning? We could walk to school together.”

Makoto looked so very hopeful, goose bumps spreading over her skin as the temperature began to dip with the setting sun, and Haruka found herself nodding.

She didn’t see the harm in it at the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll go into detail about the Haru/Rin thing later. But it'll in no way be some huge, important thing, at least in a romantic sense. I may be a die-hard MakoHaru shipper, but I'm not going to ignore the fact that Rin is SO important to Haru.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My inspiration for this story won't leave me alone, so expect quick updates.

It was one of the days when Haruka couldn’t get out of bed.

After the initial try, Haruka didn’t even attempt to get herself to move. When she felt like that, there was just no way.

So, she lay there, her downy comforter wrapped tight around her shoulders, trying to forget why she felt so awful in the first place. Tears sprung to her eyes, and she turned her face into her pillow, whimpering quietly.

It still didn’t make sense, not after three years, and it probably never would. Her grandmother had been fine one day and wouldn’t wake up the next. Haruka had called an ambulance, though it took her a long while to control her desperate sobbing enough for the operator to understand her.

That was why Haruka hated her parents, for not being there and forcing her to go through that alone, curled up next to her grandmother’s dead body while she waited for someone to show up to tell her what she already knew.

That she was alone. And she would be for as long as she lived.

Haruka heard her bedroom door creaking open, though for a moment, she didn’t understand. Her grandmother was dead and her parents were gone, so who –

“There you are.” Makoto. They’d been walking to school together for two weeks. Of course she would show up today. “You weren’t in the bath, so I thought – “

Haruka held her breath, tried to make herself small. She didn’t want Makoto to see her like this.

“Haru!” Makoto exclaimed, not bothering to turn the light on as she hurried to the other girl’s bedside. “Are you okay? Are you sick?”

She pressed the back of her hand to Haruka’s forehead, pushing her sleep-mused hair out of her face, and Haruka closed her eyes, focused on the warmth of Makoto’s skin.

In the dark, the other girl couldn’t see her tears, so Makoto fussed on, convinced that Haruka was sick and in no condition to go to school. Haruka almost wanted to go along with it, fake an illness and be done with it. But she was already sick, just not in the way Makoto believed.

Makoto hadn't asked about the burns yet, and Haruka didn’t want to give her reason to. For Makoto, Haruka would pretend. For her, Haruka would be okay.

Mustering every ounce of her strength, Haruka batted away Makoto’s hands. “I’m fine.” She said gruffly, using her arms and legs to toss and kick away her sheets. “I just overslept.”

“Oh.” Makoto said, relieved, stepping away from the bed to give Haruka space to get up. She looked pretty, Haruka decided as her eyes wandered over Makoto’s hair, curled over her shoulders, and her face, dusted with the faintest hits of makeup. Haruka herself didn’t bother with those things, but she appreciated that Makoto did. “I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions. You just weren’t saying anything, so I thought – “

“Kinda hard when you barge into my room when I’m half-asleep.”

“Yeah.” Makoto said, ducking her head down slightly. “Sorry.”

Haruka sighed. Every part of her ached. Going to school was the last thing she wanted to do. But she could stomach through today. For her. “I need to get dressed.” Haruka said pointedly when Makoto made no move to leave. “We’ll be late.”

Makoto nodded and fled the room, closing the door behind her with a soft click.

For a few moments, Haruka stood still. It amazed her how skilled she was at driving everyone away.

* * *

Haruka kicked. She pulled and dragged, and when she felt the water moving against her instead of with her, she flipped and pushed off the edge of the pool, heading back for the start of her lane.

Makoto had been called away by some boy earlier, probably wanting to ask her on a date, and Haruka had stomped down to the pool by herself, flinging off random articles of clothing on her way until she couldn’t remember if she’d left her shoes on the Green or back in the classroom.

The blue-eyed swimmer didn’t think she had room to be upset, but that didn’t stop her body from burning with a fire only the water could adequately soothe.

Haruka knew that Makoto was pretty. She was kind and intelligent, and every part of her was warm. Everyone liked her. Of course boys would ask her out on dates. But Haruka didn’t have to like it.

She reached the end of her lane, slapping her hand against the edge before pushing herself upright, her feet landing on the solid concrete of the bottom of the pool. She wasn’t wearing her cap – Makoto had it, and Haruka wasn’t about to ask for it when she was otherwise _engaged_ – so she pulled off her goggles, working her ponytail out of the elastic straps.

It took her a moment to realize that Rei was sitting above her, legs crossed, just watching.

Haruka blinked up at her. “Um.”

“I’m sorry for disturbing you, Haruka-senpai.” The younger girl said, dipping her head slightly. Her violet eyes looked impossibly large this close up. “I came early today and thought I’d watch you swim.”

“Okay.” Haruka replied, making no move to get out of the water. “I don’t mind.”

“Where’s Makoto-senpai?”

“No idea.” Haruka sniffed.

Rei tilted her head slightly, biting at her bottom lip. Haruka watched her, trying to figure out the puzzle. Rei hardly ever came down to the pool without Nagisa in tow, just as Haruka was usually in the company of Makoto. Haruka knew what her reason was for being alone. So what was Rei’s? “Is everything okay?”

Rei shook her head, but after some consideration, she nodded, sighing heavily. “I’m struggling to learn how to swim.” She admitted. Haruka hadn't known it was still a problem. She wasn’t that involved in teaching the First Year how to stay afloat in the water, nor did she know what the others did during practice. “I feel like I’m holding the team back.”

“You aren’t.” Haruka said, because it was the only thing she could say.

The younger girl sighed again, reaching up to tuck a strand of cobalt hair behind the frame of her glasses. “Everyone’s trying to help, but nothing works. I don’t know what to do.”

Haruka frowned. She knew exactly what that felt like.

“You have to trust the water, you know.” She found herself saying, and Rei stared down at her in surprise. “You have to respect it. You were always saying it wasn’t beautiful.”

“I don’t think that anymore.” Rei said quickly.

Haruka shrugged, running her fingers over the surface of the water. “Swimming isn’t like track. You can’t just rely on your own strength to move you forward. You have to work with the water if you want to get anywhere. You have to pay attention to it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Back there,” Haruka said, gesturing toward the other end of the pool, “when I was approaching the turn. I felt the water flow back at me from where it was hitting the edge, and I knew to flip without looking to see how close it was. You have to pay attention to things like that.”

“Wow.” Rei said, staring wide-eyed at the other side of the pool. “You’re incredible, Haruka-senpai.”

“Not really.” Haruka replied, though she gave the First Year a small, half-smile that she hoped was encouraging. “I just like to swim.”

“Haru!” Makoto was there, still in her uniform and holding the clothes Haruka had strewn about campus in her anger. Her expression was completely exasperated, and Haruka decided that it served her right. “You can’t just leave your clothes lying around!”

Haruka ducked back under the water and started to swim again, leaving Rei with her goggles.

She didn’t need to see to know where she was going.

* * *

Makoto had her mother’s smile.

Haruka knew she was in the trouble the moment she stepped into the Tachibana household and Makoto’s mother greeted her like she was a long-lost relative.

She hadn't planned on spending her evening out of the bathtub, but when Makoto asked if she would like to join her family for dinner, Haruka hadn't had it in her to say no.

“Mom’s been dying to see you.” Makoto had said excitedly when Haruka agreed. “She’s been pestering me ever since I told her we were speaking again.”

And pester Mrs. Tachibana did. She was full of questions, and Haruka tried to answer them to the best of her ability: Yes, she was fine. No, she didn’t know what she wanted to do after high school. Yes, her parents were doing well, and they planned to visit in the fall.

Eventually, Mr. Tachibana interjected and good-naturedly told his wife to give Haruka some breathing space. It worked for a while, and Haruka was left alone with Makoto, but then the twins came bursting into their older sister’s bedroom.

The girl – Ran, if Haruka remembered correctly – plopped herself down in Haruka’s lap without preamble, while the boy – Ren – went straight for Makoto.

“You’re one of Sister’s friends?” Ran demanded. “The one who swims free?”

Haruka shot Makoto a bewildered glance, and the taller girl shrugged, hugging her little brother to her tightly. “Yeah.” Haruka said slowly. “That’s me.”

Eyes that were a green a few shades darker than Makoto’s studied Haruka for a few moments, and then the little girl perked up considerably. “Sister’s right. You are pretty!”

“Why is that the first thing everyone says?” Makoto exclaimed, to which Ren replied with a pointed, “Because you’re right about everything.”

Haruka was used to being called pretty after spending so much time with Makoto, Nagisa, Rei, and Gou, but to hear it come from Makoto’s family was somehow different. That Makoto went out of her way to talk about Haruka in the privacy of her own home felt more intimate than anything Haruka had experienced before, and the other girl had pulled her from her bathtub on multiple occasions over the weeks.

“You guys are such a pain.” Makoto flopped back on her bed with a groan, taking Ren with her, who shrieked with laughter.

Ran, not wanting to be left out, vacated Haruka’s lap and bounced over to her brother and sister, latching onto Makoto so the girl nearly disappeared underneath her twin siblings.

No longer miffed that she had to wait to take a bath, Haruka watched.

* * *

It started out with simple things that left Haruka breathless.

“What are you drawing today, Haru?”

The blue-eyed girl paused, glancing at Makoto through her peripheral vision. “You sure you wanna know?”

Makoto giggled, propped up by an elbow. “You make it sound like some huge mystery. I bet it’s a dolphin again.”

“No.” Haruka retorted, covering her paper with her arms. Today was a good day, and she found herself wanting to engage with Makoto more than she normally would. “Guess again.”

“Hmm… is it Iwatobi-chan?”

“Nope.”

“The pool? An ocean?”

“Nuh-uh.”

“I give up, then.” Makoto announced, getting to her feet and crossing the short isle separating her desk from Haruka’s. “Move your arms.”

Haruka obliged, actually quite pleased with her work, and she admired it as Makoto did the same over her shoulder.

“Haru.” Makoto said. Her voice sounded strange. “It’s me.”

“It’s not done yet.” Haruka replied, brushing a cluster of eraser shavings away from the outline of Makoto’s face. She’d done it when she was supposed to be studying for a quiz they would have at the end of the day, sneaking glances at Makoto every now and then to sketch the other girl as she sat, hunched over her notes. “I have to do a ton of shading. But I think it’s good, considering that I don’t draw people very much.”

“No.” Makoto said, leaning over Haruka. The blue-eyed girl stiffened somewhat when Makoto’s arm came around, her hand with the horrifically chewed nails brushing against the paper gently. “This is so much more than _good_. It’s amazing.”

Haruka said nothing, too distracted by Makoto’s warmth at her back, the tickle of her hair against her cheek. Makoto tended to give Haruka her space, but sometimes, during moments like this, she lost herself. Like that night at the pool when she told Haruka she wanted to travel, or when she was worried Haruka was sick.

“You can have it when I’m done.” Haruka said quietly. “If you like it that much, I mean.”

“I do! Thank you so much, Haru.” Apparently overcome, Makoto retracted her hand from the paper only to wrap both her arms around Haruka’s neck and shoulders, catching her by surprise. “You’re the best.”

When Makoto said it like that, breathless and into the crown of Haruka’s hair, the older girl actually wanted to believe her.

* * *

They all changed together in the locker room after practice. Haruka usually stayed and swam by herself for a while, waiting for Makoto to return for her, but she’d been invited to the Tachibana’s for dinner again that night and figured she should try to hurry.

Nagisa was talking with Rei, giving the other girl pointers on how to improve her butterfly stroke, which Rei had recently learned to do. It wasn’t perfect by any means, but considering that the girl couldn’t even swim before, Haruka thought it was an impressive feat.

She finished first, turning around as she was toweling off her hair to ask Makoto if she was almost done, but she pulled up short.

The taller girl was simply standing there in her bra and panties, trying to fix her blouse so it wasn’t inside out. Haruka hadn't seen her in a state of undress before, and the school blazers for females did a good job of hiding certain things, so the sheer size of Makoto’s breasts – large for a Second Year, anyway – was enough to take Haruka by surprise.

Haruka didn’t do a good job of covering her tracks, fixated as she was, and Makoto eventually noticed. “Is something the matter, Haru?”

Nagisa and Rei turned their attention to her, and Haruka died a little inside, continuing to rub at her hair. “Is that a push-up bra?” She asked, thankful that her voice was as cool and detached as it usually was.

Makoto sighed, staring down at her chest forlornly. “No. They do this naturally.”

“Oh. Lucky.” Haruka said, not because she truly felt that way, but because it seemed like the appropriate thing to say.

“Don’t even say that.” Makoto groaned, going back to fixing her shirt. “I have the back of an eighty-year-old woman because of these stupid things.”

Nagisa snorted. “Oh, please. Girls would kill to have your boobs, Mako-chan.”

“Not _all_ of them.” Rei interjected. “But… a good amount.”

“You can have them if you want. Be my guest.”

“Sweet!” Nagisa cheered, hopping on one leg as she tried to tie her shoelaces. “Rei-chan and I will split the bounty. Haru-chan doesn’t need any help, anyways.”

Haruka frowned, glancing down at her own chest. “I don’t think mine are all that impressive, Nagisa.”

“Well, not compared to Mako-chan, but she’s a monster.” Nagisa said matter-of-factly, ignoring Makoto’s indignant cry. “Believe me, Haru-chan. You’ve got it goin’ on. Tell her, Mako-chan!”

Makoto stiffened. She’d gotten her shirt on and was stepping into her skirt. “Well, I mean… I think you got your point across just fine without my input, Nagisa!”

“Technically speaking, breast size has a lot to do with a person’s weight. In that sense, yours are above average since you’re so thin, Haruka-senpai.”

“Rei-chan! Are you calling Mako-chan _fat?_ ”

“What? Of course not! I was only saying – “

Haruka decided then was as good a time as any to tune out the conversation, though she did cast one last look at Makoto, worried that she would take the little comment about weight to heart.

But Makoto was smiling, no longer looking at the two younger girls as she put on her shoes.

Her face, however, was quite red, try as she might to hide it beneath her hair. Haruka didn’t know what to make of it.

* * *

The day the four of them went to Samezuka for a race against their swim-team, Haruka was struggling not to burst into tears at any given moment.

She woke up that morning to find a missed call on her cell phone. It was her mother, informing Haruka that she and her father wouldn’t be returning to Iwatobi until Haruka’s next birthday at the soonest, which wasn’t until next June. Haruka hadn't wanted them to come anyway, but it still hurt that they couldn’t find the time for her, even knowing that she was alone.

It was a Saturday, but Makoto had still come for her bright and early, leaving Haruka no adequate time to heat up her bathwater to a suitable temperature to help her forget about her awful parents.

She was in a foul mood on the way to Samezuka, annoyed by Nagisa’s constant chatter, giving everyone the silent treatment, even Makoto.

“Are we allowed to do this?” Rei asked for the umpteenth time that morning. “It isn’t a scheduled race. The school knows nothing about it.”

“Rin-chan wants to see how far we’ve come as a team.” Nagisa explained. “She’s really convinced her relay team can beat us.”

“And when Rin wants something, it’s hard to say no.” Makoto added, walking close to Haruka. Normally the closeness was comforting, but Haruka was in no mood for human interaction. “Gou said he wouldn’t tell Miss Amakata. I doubt we’ll be caught this time.”

Haruka felt like an outsider for the first time in weeks. She’d been at home locked up with her fear when they went to Samezuka the first time, and aside from the fact that she was Haruka’s first kiss, Haruka didn’t know much about Rin.

“Are you feeling okay, Haru?” Makoto asked, quietly so Rei and Nagisa wouldn't hear.

“Fine.” Haruka said shortly, and that was the end of it.

Samezuka’s pool was a lot nicer than Iwatobi’s, but Haruka had been expecting that. She followed her companions inside, observing her new surroundings while they set their stuff down.

“You guys made it!” A voice boomed, and Haruka whipped her head around.

Rin didn’t look much different. Her skin was a bit darker than Haruka remembered, but her hair still fell in wild strands just above her shoulders. Her stance spoke of confidence, and Haruka wanted to disappear.

“Rin-Rin!” Nagisa cried, running to the other girl while somehow managing to not slip and fall. “We haven’t seen you in so long. You’re always so busy!”

Rin rolled her eyes, but she hugged Nagisa back tightly. “I just saw you two weeks ago.”

“Too long.” Nagisa announced, turning back around to gesture back to where Haruka was standing with Makoto and Rei. “We brought Haru-chan this time.”

Vermillion eyes zoned in on Haruka intently, and she forced herself to stay still, wondering if her expression was letting on how uncomfortable she felt. “Nanase.” Rin said, tipping her head.

“Matsuoka.” Haruka replied, glancing away, back toward the pool.

After a short pause, Nagisa announced, “Well, that was awkward.”

“Only if you make it awkward.” Rei sighed.

“You’ll have to wait for a bit.” Rin said, speaking to Makoto. “Ai’s going to find some buddies of mine for the race, so she’ll be a while.”

Makoto nodded, but Haruka wasn’t going to wait to get in the pool. She took off her clothes before Makoto even realized what was happening, tossing them into Rei’s arms so they wouldn’t get wet.

“Holy shit.” Rin said, and Haruka stiffened. Makoto, Nagisa, and Rei were used to the marks on her skin. Rin, however, was not. “What the hell happened to you?”

“ _Rin_.” Makoto hissed, which ticked Haruka off, because she didn’t need to be protected. Rin’s reaction was refreshing in a way. At least she wasn’t pretending that she hadn't seen them, or that they weren’t as bad as they looked.

“Are we gonna swim or what?” Haruka demanded, stalking over to the nearest staring block. “I’m not going to sit around here all day waiting.”

“I’ll race ya if you want.” Rin replied instantly, shrugging off her team-issued jacket, handing it off to Nagisa as Haruka had done with Rei. “Who am I to say no if you want a proper beating?”

Haruka scowled, pulling her goggles over her head. She’d forgotten how absolutely infuriating Rin could be.

* * *

Afterward, Haruka and Makoto walked home together.

Haruka felt infinitely better now that she’d burned out her unnecessary anger and energy racing with Rin, and while she wanted to apologize for her earlier behavior, she didn’t dare. Makoto was being quiet, as if there were something on her mind, and Haruka was going to stay silent until the other girl worked up the nerve to say whatever it was she was thinking.

“Hey… Haru?”

There it was. “Yes?”

“Are we friends?”

Haruka kept walking, facing straight ahead, but the question threw her for a loop. Makoto sounded especially vulnerable, and she didn’t like it. Whether or not she meant it was up for debate, but Haruka couldn’t stop herself from saying, “Yeah. Yeah, we’re friends.”

“Okay.” Makoto said, but Haruka sensed that wasn’t the end of it. “You – You would tell me if something was wrong, right? You wouldn’t just keep it to yourself?”

Haruka was surprised it had taken Makoto so long. Rin’s blatant observation of the burn scars on Haruka’s body must have been enough to tip Makoto’s nagging curiosity over the edge and into something that was probably worry.

“If something was wrong, you’d be the first to know.” Haruka said, and Makoto’s responding smile was filled with so much relief, Haruka felt sick.

She might have been new to the entire thing, but Haruka was almost certain friends didn’t lie to one another about something like that.


	3. Chapter 3

If Nagisa was to be believed, every friend group had a person in it who acted a bit too much like a mom.

Makoto was definitely that person.

She made sure Haruka wasn’t late to school everyday, gave a good portion of her lunch to Nagisa when the younger girl forgot her own, and she was the first person to rush to Rei’s aid when she slipped while getting out of the pool and busted her lip.

How a person could care about others so much was beyond Haruka. It must’ve been exhausting, but that was just the kind of person Makoto was.

She cared so much – probably too much – but it was one of the many things Haruka admired about Tachibana Makoto.

And when Haruka stood in front of her stove at the end of her long days, waiting for her pot of water to boil, she couldn’t help but wonder what Makoto would do if she found out, if she would react as a friend or a mother.

In the privacy of her own home, Haruka could admit that she probably needed both.

* * *

“This was a horrible idea.”

“You’re the one who told Nagisa it was okay to have a sleepover here.”

“Yeah, well, you try telling Nagisa no.”

Makoto laughed from her spot on Haruka’s bed, watching as the older girl tore through her closet, trying to find something to wear. “Believe me, I know how hard it is. But it was really nice of you to offer, Haru. You made Nagisa’s day.”

Haruka scowled, because really, what had possessed her to go along with this?

Nagisa was always pressing for them to spend time together as a group, and in the weeks since Haruka had stopped spending all her time alone, she’d been forced to go on a number of outings with the other three members of her team. Sometimes Rin tagged along, but she had a stricter training regime and spent most of her time at the academy.

Haruka didn’t mind when she wasn’t around. If anyone was going to ask about her burn scars, it would be Rin.

When Nagisa suggested a sleepover, the person Haruka had been at the time immediately offered her own home up for sacrifice. She was tired of being forced out in public and wanted to be somewhere she was comfortable. What had seemed like a good idea at the time was now causing Haruka a great deal of anxiety.

Her home was her sanctuary, the place she had shared with her grandmother after her parents began to move around on work-related ventures. She’d slowly opened up her space to Makoto, but to have Nagisa and Rei around – and Rin, since she was conveniently free for the night – was more than Haruka was ready for.

“What do you even _do_ at sleepovers?”

“Well, we mainly just talk.” Makoto said thoughtfully, clutching one of Haruka’s pillows to her chest as she leaned against the wall the bed was pressed against. “Sometimes we play games, watch movies, that sort of thing. Nagisa gets really weird when she’s tired, though. You should probably prepare yourself.”

“Great.” Haruka muttered, giving up and grabbing the first article of clothing she found, an off-white wool sweater that she pulled over the black tank top she was already wearing. “How about this?”

She turned to face Makoto so the other girl had a better view. Evergreen eyes wandered over Haruka’s body for a moment before Makoto said, “Looks comfy.”

Exactly what Haruka had been going for. She needed all the help she could get to stomach through the night.

“You look like you’re about to be sick.” Makoto said, shooting Haruka a sympathetic little smile. “You don’t have to worry. It’s just us.”

Easy for Makoto to say. Haruka didn’t _do_ this sort of thing, didn’t invite people to her house for the sake of enjoyment. Not only was it new and intimidating, but it wasn’t something the old Haruka would have done, the person who sat alone in her corner and doodled in her notebook, day in and day out.

She hadn't wanted joining the swim team to change her, but it seemed that she was failing miserably.

“Come here.” Makoto said suddenly, tossing Haruka’s pillow to the side and scooting to the edge of her bed. “Let me braid your hair.”

Haruka wrinkled her nose. “Why?”

Makoto laughed, and her expression was fond as she extended her arms and beckoned the wary girl closer. “Do I need a reason?” When Haruka still didn’t move, Makoto sighed, slightly exasperated as she said, “You’ll be hot in that sweater tonight, especially if you’re gonna wear jeans, too. C’mon, please?”

Sighing in defeat, Haruka trudged over to her bed and sat down on the floor between Makoto’s legs. The younger girl went to work immediately, working Haruka’s dark hair out of the collar of her sweater before separating it into three parts, at least from what Haruka could feel. She herself couldn’t braid, but she’d watched Makoto do it for Ran before.

Makoto was careful not to tug too hard, and Haruka found herself actually relaxing into Makoto’s gentle hands and the warmth of her bare legs on either side of Haruka’s body. “Your hair is so soft, Haru.” Makoto said after a moment. “Even softer than Rei’s.”

Haruka almost snorted. Rei prided herself in her healthy, beautiful hair, and Nagisa was always going on about how soft it was, even when she wasn’t touching it. It was somewhat of a running joke between the four girls and Gou, who was privy to their conversations even if he didn’t want to be.

“I’m serious.” Makoto said, and Haruka had another moment where she wondered if Makoto could read her mind. “What do you do for it?”

“Wash it.”

“Funny, Haru-chan.”

Haruka flicked Makoto’s leg, and the other girl laughed as she tied off the braid and laid it gently over Haruka’s right shoulder.

* * *

Everyone dropped off one by one until only Haruka and Nagisa were awake at the end of the night.

Things could have been worse, Haruka decided as she watched a bead of condensation slide down her water glass. She’d been worried that her things would be touched or moved around throughout the course of the night, but everyone had been very respectful.

Hesitant though she was to admit it, Haruka had actually enjoyed herself. Rei brought over a deck of cards, and the five of them played Old Maid for longer than any of them probably realized. It came as no surprise that Rin was entirely too competitive, but Haruka was only spurred on by it, enjoying the rage-filled expletives the other girl would shout out when Haruka screwed her over at every opportunity.

It wasn’t like it was Haruka’s fault that she had the best poker face of the bunch.

After that, they’d mostly talked. Well, the others talked, Haruka listened. Rei fell asleep first, followed by Makoto, and then Rin. They were all huddled under the _kotatsu_ in Haruka’s living room with one girl on each side. Haruka, however, was sharing her space with Makoto, and she could hear the other girl’s soft breaths as she slept.

She sat cross-legged underneath the table’s blanketing, content to sit in silence with Nagisa, who sat across from her, reading a book she had borrowed from Rei.

Eventually, Nagisa broke the silence. “Hey, Haru-chan?” She asked quietly, probably not wanting to disturb the others. “Can I tell you something?”

Haruka glanced up from her glass, giving just the slightest nod of her head in response.

Nagisa shifted slightly, closing the book without marking her place, making Haruka question if she’d even been reading it at all. “Well… I just wanted to say thank you, for letting us all come over today.”

Haruka shrugged. “It was no trouble.”

“I know you like being alone, though.” Nagisa said, and Haruka stared at her blankly. “Or you like your space, anyway.”

Not always, Haruka wanted to say, or at least, not anymore. It had only been a month or so, but she often found herself feeling out of place when her teammates weren’t running amuck somewhere nearby. Years of routine had been suitably ruined, but Haruka wasn’t going to say as much.

“Sorry if I force you to hang out with us too much.”

“It’s not just you.” Haruka said, suppressing the urge to wince. That had come out horrifically wrong.

Nagisa leaned forward on her elbows, fixing Haruka with an intense stare in the dim lighting. “I think I overcompensate too much.”

“What?”

“When I was a kid, if I wasn’t at the swim club, I was at home studying. There wasn’t much I did for fun.” The blonde First Year seemed so sad then, and it hit Haruka like a punch to the gut. “Remember when your grandma invited me over to play with you? We drew pictures.”

Haruka looked again to her glass. “Of course I remember.”

“I really loved doing things like that. My parents were strict about my grades and stuff, but they always liked you, so they made an exception that time.” Haruka wanted to scream, didn’t understand why everyone’s parents seemed to hold some form of affection for her when she was such an awful, ordinary person, but Nagisa went on. “I didn’t really fight for what I wanted much back then. I spent so much time away from my friends, and by the time I realized what I was missing, Rin-chan was in Australia and you had disappeared.”

Haruka was at a loss for words. Makoto, Nagisa, and Rin hardly ever brought up their swim club years, perhaps for fear of dragging up old memories that might otherwise upset Haruka. She’d been waiting for the day someone would bring up her disappearance from everyone’s lives after her grandmother’s death, but she’d never expected that it would be Nagisa.

“I don’t want that to happen again.” Nagisa sighed, rubbing at one of her eyes with a fist. Haruka couldn’t tell if she was just tired or trying to wipe away tears. “I just want to make up for lost time, I guess. And now that Rei-chan is with us, we can make even more memories.”

“I don’t mind spending time with you guys.” Haruka said, because the last thing she wanted was for Nagisa to feel guilty. “So, don’t be sorry.”

“I’m sorry for a lot of things.” Haruka wondered if this was what Makoto had meant when she said Nagisa got weird when she was tired. “Like not being a better friend to Mako-chan.”

“Makoto?” Haruka said quietly, glancing down at the brunette sleeping peacefully at her side. “But – “

“She was alone a lot after the swim club shut down.” Nagisa explained sadly, but Haruka couldn’t take her eyes off Makoto. “I went to a different junior high school than you guys, and with Rin-chan gone, there was no one for Mako-chan to be with.”

Haruka had been there. She’d sat next to Makoto in school everyday, and she’d never once noticed, too wrapped up in her own problems. Would she ever stop regretting that?

“She missed you.” Nagisa went on. “So did I. And so did Rin-chan, even if she won’t tell you.”

Admittedly, Haruka didn’t remember much about the girls she used to be friends with. She’d blocked out so much, things she doubted she could get back, and as far as her memory served, she’d never conversed with Makoto, Nagisa, and Rin aside from a few passing conversations, the play-date scheduled by her grandmother, and the kiss.

But these girls with their memories made her ache. They made her realize everything she’d lost.

* * *

A scream pierced through Haruka’s conscience, and she bolted upright in the dark, glancing around wildly.

Ragged panting filled the ringing silence the shrill cry had left behind, and it took Haruka a moment to realize it was Makoto.

The room suddenly flooded with light, and Makoto’s parents rushed into the room. Haruka glanced over only to find that Makoto was sitting up beside her, skin white as a sheet, clutching at her chest as she stared off into nothing.

“Makoto!” Mrs. Tachibana gasped, pulling her robe tighter around herself as she sat down on the edge of the bed, taking her daughter’s hands. “Are you alright?”

“Mom.” Makoto said, voice cracking, and she crumbled, sobbing into her mother’s arms.

Haruka watched, heart pounding, still disoriented and half asleep. Makoto had invited her over to spend the night, she knew that much, but Haruka couldn’t think of anything that had happened during the evening that would make the other girl scream like that. It must have been a nightmare.

Mr. Tachibana rubbed his daughter’s back as she continued to cry, shooting Haruka a glance that the young girl couldn’t decipher.

She had been in Makoto’s position before, woken up in the middle of the night by a nightmare, but she’d had to get through it alone. Haruka didn’t have parents to calm her down when fear overtook her.

For a brief moment, Haruka felt a flash of jealousy, but with Makoto struggling to control herself in the bed they were sharing, Haruka was immediately horrified with herself.

Ashamed, she scrambled from the bed and fled the room, leaving Makoto in the care of her parents. They could do more for the distraught girl than Haruka’s own twisted conscience could.

The rest of the house was dark, but as Haruka stood outside the bathroom, just down the hall from Makoto’s room, the door to Ran’s bedroom creaked open. Her expression was just short of terrified, and when she noticed Haruka standing there, she ran to her, clutching at her nightshirt with ferocious intensity.

“Is Sister okay?” The girl whimpered just as the door to Ren’s room flew open, and the boy joined his sister, grasping at Haruka’s clammy hand. “I heard her screaming.”

Haruka shook her head, shaken herself, and was glad the twins couldn’t see the motion in the dark. “She’s fine. I think – I think she had a nightmare.”

“She has those a lot.” Ren fretted, glancing nervously down the hall toward Makoto’s bedroom. “Mom and Dad won’t tell us what’s wrong.”

Haruka was just as much at a loss as Makoto’s siblings. The other girl had never mentioned that she suffered from consistent nightmares before, and she never seemed sleep-deprived at school, as Haruka was after a night spent at war with her subconscious.

The sound of Makoto’s crying had died down considerably, and it didn’t seem like the twins were going to let up anytime soon, so Haruka wasn’t sure what to do. After a few more moments, Mrs. Tachibana exited the room, her husband following soon after. Only then did the twins let go of Haruka, flocking to their parents.

“What’s wrong?” Ran gasped while Ren demanded, “Is Sister okay?”

“Your sister is just fine.” Mrs. Tachibana said, bending over to scoop Ren up in her arms and then taking Ran’s hand. “It’s back to bed, you two. Don’t forget we’re going to the Aquatic Center tomorrow. You need your rest.”

The twins began to whine, full of worry for their sister, but they didn’t put up much of a fight as their mother led them back to their bedrooms. Haruka watched them go for a moment before turning to regard Mr. Tachibana. His expression was fatigued, and Haruka felt a fresh wave of concern for Makoto. “You can go back in now, Haruka.” He said, fixing the teenager with a small smile. “She’s okay.”

Haruka nodded, stepping around the man as she made her way back to Makoto’s room. She closed the door behind her, but Makoto didn’t look up. She was still sitting up in her bed, legs crossed, hands in her lap, staring down at the bedding.

The blue-eyed swimmer considered letting the situation drop, but she couldn’t stop thinking about what Nagisa had told her just the other day. Makoto hadn't had anyone on her side in the years between the start of middle school to high school. Whatever had made her scream like that must have been bothering her for a while, and Haruka wasn’t going to just leave Makoto alone with it.

She crawled back onto the bed but didn’t make her way back to her side near the wall, instead copying Makoto’s position and sitting across from her, simply waiting for Makoto to speak up.

It took longer than Haruka had anticipated, but after a while, Makoto said, “I’m sorry for waking you up, Haru.”

Haruka frowned. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

Makoto sniffed. “I heard the twins. Are they okay? Were they scared?”

“Only worried about you.” Haruka replied, barely keeping herself from voicing her own concern. “What happened, Makoto?”

“I didn’t think I would have one of those tonight.” Makoto sighed, glancing up at Haruka with a forlorn expression. “I usually don’t when I sleep with other people in the room. But I – “

Makoto paused, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. Haruka didn’t think she’d ever seen her so shaken up before. “You remember that really bad typhoon that hit when we were kids? Rin’s dad died in it.”

Haruka did recall a bad storm as well as the funeral processions that followed. There were multiple, and Haruka’s parents had kept her indoors during them, though she watched from her bedroom window.

“There was this old fisherman, and he used to let Nagisa, Rin, and me play on his boat when he was docking to sell his catch. He was really nice, and he died in the storm, too.” Makoto picked at a fray on her blanket’s stitching as she spoke, and Haruka watched her intently. She really loved Makoto’s hands. “I started having nightmares after that, ones where I'm swimming and something pulls me under and I drown. The ocean terrified me.”

“Does it still?”

“I wouldn’t know.” Makoto said. Her tone was slightly bitter. “I won’t even go down to the beach. I tried once. Nagisa went with me, but I started shaking so bad we had to leave.”

Haruka wanted to tell Makoto that it was okay to be scared. Haruka herself was scared of a lot of things – other people, herself, the prospect of living her life alone – but she stayed quiet.

“That’s why my parents signed me up for the swim club. They thought it would help.” Makoto mouth twitched with the barest hint of a smile for a moment. “I was so scared. But I didn’t want to let them down. So, I went, and I learned to not be so scared of the water.”

To learn that Makoto was scared of water came as a shock to Haruka. Makoto was the strongest swimmer on their team, even more so than Haruka, who at this point relied on her natural talent after so many years out of action. It was such a huge obstacle to overcome, and Makoto had done it somehow.

The older girl was slightly awed.

“That’s why I mainly swim backstroke, though.” Makoto continued. “I feel better when my face is out of the water. I can see the sky that way.”

Haruka wanted to cry. Makoto was so _good,_ better than everyone and anyone Haruka had ever met. She had confronted her fear, and Haruka couldn’t even do that much. No, instead she used something she loved to maim her own body. She isolated herself, and blocked out a part of her life that Haruka was now certain had been enjoyable for her.

“You’re brave.” Haruka said quietly. “The bravest person I know, Makoto.”

“Funny.” Makoto replied. She wasn’t laughing. “ _You’re_ the bravest person I know, Haru.”

* * *

For the first time in years, Haruka didn’t dream of her grandmother’s death.

No, she was enveloped by another nightmare entirely.

At the start, Haruka was at peace. She was standing in the sand, inches from the surf, and the calm waves lapped at her toes playfully, as if coaxing her to give in and enter the water completely.

She glanced to the right and found Makoto standing there, looking out across the water with her. Haruka’s first instinct was to be concerned, because Makoto shouldn’t have to face her biggest fear just for Haruka, but then the other girl turned to look at her.

Her evergreen eyes were shining with tears, but her trademark smile was still present on her face. Haruka took a moment to openly stare. It was the happiest she’d ever seen Makoto.

“Haru.” She said with a breathless little laugh, and Haruka wanted to throw herself at Makoto and kiss her senseless, but her legs wouldn’t move. “ _Thank you.”_

Before Haruka could ask what she was being thanked for, an enormous clap of thunder sounded, and Makoto disappeared along with the light.

Haruka gave a panicked cry. The serene atmosphere of the beach had turned ominous and unwelcoming, and the ocean roared as lightning tore across the sky. The waves that once teased Haruka gently were now crashing into her knees with enough force to knock the girl over, but again, her legs would not move no matter how hard the water attacked.

Scalding rain pelted Haruka from all sides, but she didn’t care, for Makoto was gone.

“Makoto!” She cried, scanning the vicious waves. “Makoto, where are you?”

Her skin was melting, or at least it seemed that way, but Haruka wasn’t going to allow it to distract her. Then, when lightning illuminated the area for the briefest of moments, Haruka saw a head bobbing in the surf.

Haruka launched herself forward, her legs finally responding, and entered the water, fighting back as it tried to push her back toward the beach. She wasn’t going to allow anything to keep her from getting to Makoto.

She swam, she kicked and she clawed, heading for the place where she saw her distracting, infuriating, wonderful friend. Her anger helped to propel her forward. She’d made the deal with the water that it could hurt _her,_ not Makoto.

Finally, Haruka got close enough that she could keep Makoto’s body in her sights, and she grabbed at the other girl desperately when she reached her, wrapping one arm across her chest while the other went to work to get them both back to shore.

Never before had Haruka’s muscles burned so much. Makoto was dead weight in her hold, and Haruka supposed that adrenaline and an overwhelming desire to keep Makoto alive were the only things that kept her from succumbing to the water’s anger.

When she hit the start of the beach, Haruka turned so she could hook both of her arms underneath Makoto’s and drag the seemingly unconscious girl from the water.

“Makoto.” Haruka knelt down beside her friend and started to shake her once she got her a safe distance away from the water. The boiling rain continued to fall, harder than ever, and the red blisters forming on Makoto’s skin felt like the water’s personal attack against Haruka. “Makoto, _wake up_!”

Haruka stared, wide-eyed, at Makoto’s unresponsive face. It was all too familiar. _This isn’t happening, this isn’t happening!_

The panicked girl leaned over and pressed her ear to Makoto’s chest, but she couldn’t tell if the heartbeat she felt was Makoto’s or her own.

“No.” Haruka said, unable to even hear her own voice over the storm. “No, no, no, not again.”

She was shaking as she started chest compressions, just as she’d done that morning her grandmother wouldn’t wake up. And just like then, Haruka found herself praying, because there would be no recovery for her if Makoto died here. There would be nothing, and Haruka was certain she wouldn’t survive another loss.

Press, press, press, breathe. Press, press, breathe. Press, breathe. Breathe, _breathe_ , **_breathe_** _–_

That was when Haruka woke up, gasping into the fabric of her pillow just as she would’ve been preparing to suck more air into her lungs to give to Makoto.

The tears just wouldn’t stop, and Haruka shakily sat up, chest shuddering with sobs. Her body still tingled from where the burning rain had scorched her skin, but she was used to it, so used to it, and that only made her cry harder.

“Fuck.” She managed to choke out, pulling her knees to her chest and burying her face in them. “What did I _do?”_

She’d made her biggest mistake yet.

Haruka had allowed the others close enough to hurt her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus begins Haru's final struggle.

Haruka’s life had almost seemed to change with the tides.

It all fell apart just as quickly.

After her disturbing nightmare, Haruka didn’t purposefully act any differently around her teammates. She still walked to school with Makoto in the morning, ate with her, Nagisa, and Rei at lunch, and attended practice once classes let out for the day.

Everything Haruka did that set the others off was completely unintentional. There was nothing she could do. She couldn’t stop replaying that moment in her dream when Makoto’s heart stopped beating, when her best wasn’t good enough, and she couldn’t save the girl who had managed to worm her way into Haruka’s shrunken heart so quickly.

Haruka felt herself falling. And she did absolutely nothing to stop it.

* * *

“Haruka? Would you mind staying after class for a bit? There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

The blue-eyed swimmer glanced up from her latest drawing of Makoto. Miss Amakata was smiling at her from behind her desk, and while Haruka was immediately suspicious, she nodded her nonverbal consent.

She stayed put as her classmates gathered their things, though she shut her notebook, didn’t want Makoto to realize that Haruka hadn't stopped drawing portraits of her after the first time.

“I’ll wait for you out in the hall.” Makoto said, slinging her backpack over her shoulder and smiling pleasantly down at Haruka. “I have to go give Gou our new training regiment, but I’ll come straight back once I do. Okay?”

Haruka nodded again, and she tracked Makoto’s movements with her eyes alone as she filed out of the room with the rest of their class, silently wishing that the other girl could stay.

Once they were alone, Miss Amakata went to close the door while Haruka quietly gathered her things. Her heart was pounding uncomfortably in her chest. She had an idea as to what this was about – she’d probably failed that classic literature test since she hadn't bothered to study for it – but Haruka had come to learn that her first guess was usually wrong. But if it wasn’t the test, then what could Miss Amakata possibly want with her?

“I’m sure you’re wondering why I asked you to stay behind, Haruka.” Miss Amakata walked between the rows of desks, approaching Haruka while the teenager watched her warily. “Don’t worry, you’re not in any trouble. I just wanted to ask you a question.”

Haruka stood up straight and fixed her teacher with an imploring look, urging her to continue.

“Well, as I’m sure you remember, I came to observe your swim practice last week. I was extremely impressed with what I saw. You girls have made excellent progress.”

“Thank you.”

“But I couldn’t help but notice,” Miss Amakata began gently, and all of a sudden, Haruka knew what was about to happen, “that there were some painful-looking marks on your body.”

Haruka’s mouth ran dry, but she kept her expression carefully controlled, as if what her teacher had just revealed meant absolutely nothing to her.

“I was in an accident when I was a child.” Haruka said after some thought, lowering her gaze to the ground. The tears that sprung to her eyes added to the intricacy of the web she was beginning to spin, but that didn’t mean they weren’t authentic. “I… don’t like to talk about it. I haven’t told the others yet.”

Miss Amakata made a mournful little sound, leaning against the desk Makoto had just vacated as she fixed Haruka with a sympathetic look. “I’m very sorry to hear that. And I apologize if I dragged up some painful memories by asking.”

“It’s okay.” Never before had Haruka felt so childish and small.

“There was this quote I read in a book once. ‘The struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow.’” Miss Amakata smiled at her. Haruka had also never felt so badly for lying before. “Whatever happened to you, Haruka, you managed to overcome it, and it’s made you a better person in the end. I believe everything happens for a reason. It’s just a shame that sweet girls like you are forced to realize some things a little bit too early.”

Sweet. Brave. Beautiful. Why did everyone assume all these things of Haruka that she most definitely _wasn’t?_

Sweet people, like Nagisa, didn’t harbor ill will toward their own parents. Brave people, like Makoto and Rin, didn’t spend years running from their problems. Beautiful people, like Rei, didn’t forget to take care of themselves simply because they didn’t care.

Haruka was none of those things and so much more. Her only redeeming quality was that sweet, brave, and beautiful people somehow wanted to be her friends.

“Can I go now?” Haruka asked. “Makoto is waiting for me.”

Miss Amakata nodded, standing up straight once more. “Thank you for being honest with me. I’ll see you tomorrow, Haruka.”

The sixteen-year-old left the classroom and headed straight home, not bothering to wait for Makoto to come back. She didn’t want the other girl to see how badly shaken up she was.

* * *

“You’re not the Haruka I remember.”

“How do you figure?” Haruka slid her gaze from the figures of children running around in the grass to glance at Rin, who was sitting beside her on the bench.

Rin didn’t look at her, watching the other park-goers just as Haruka was, but the corner of her mouth tugged down slightly. “I can’t really explain it in a way you’d accept.”

The other girl was probably right, Haruka decided. She’d been more irritable than usual, ever since Miss Amakata had confronted her about her burn scars. Haruka was scared someone would find out what she had done, and it made her jumpy.

This was the first time in a few days that Haruka had hung out with any of the girls she was hesitant to call friends. Haruka had declined every offer, but when Rin had showed up at her house, telling her to get off her ass and come with her to the park, Haruka hadn't been able to say no, simply because Rin absolutely would not let her.

The blue-eyed swimmer wasn’t sure what they were doing at the park, though.

“I guess all I can say is that you aren’t the girl who kissed me before I left for Australia.”

Haruka sniffed, crossing her arms over her chest and lifting one leg over the other. “I can assure you I’m still the same person who would kiss another girl.”

“Touché.” Rin said. “Do you remember what you told me, though? When you did it?”

Haruka remembered nearly everything about that morning. She remembered Rin calling the house to speak to her, crying her eyes out and nearly incoherent. Haruka had left while her grandmother was still asleep, leaving nothing but a note as she hurried down to the swim club per Rin’s request.

She’d found the other girl in the pool area, sitting at the edge with her legs in the water, the cell phone she’d used to call Haruka laying on the cold tile next to her.

She remembered that Rin was scared. She remembered how the redhead sniffled and doubted, wondered if she had what it took to make it in Australia.

“I’m going to miss you guys too much.” She’d whispered wretchedly, and Haruka stared forlornly at the water. “But I don’t want to let my dad down.”

So, Haruka had leaned over and kissed Rin, a simple press of lips, and when she pulled away, she said…

“We’ll be here when you get back.” Haruka murmured in the present, reaching up to tuck a wayward strand of dark hair behind her ear.

“You weren’t though.” Rin said bluntly, and Haruka nodded, closing her eyes. “And I could tell that you meant it at the time. So, that’s how I know you’re different.”

“Things change. People change.” Haruka replied tersely, still staring stubbornly at the backs of her eyelids. She used to do the same as a child, blocking out those around her when she didn’t get her way, pretending it was herself in the world. It was a precursor of things to come. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“I don’t want you to say anything.” Haruka heard the scrape of fabric against the bench and imagined that Rin was slinking down in her seat. “I’m sorry about your grandma.”

Haruka’s eyes flew open. “How did you know about that?”

Rin snorted. “I’ve noticed that she isn’t around, Haru. If she was, that old lady would’ve never let you sit at home in bed on an awesome day like this.” Haruka frowned, the threat of tears hovering just over the horizon, but Rin went on. “But I knew back when it happened. Makoto told me.”

“Makoto?”

“She sent me weekly Haru updates. When I figured out you guys weren’t talking, I tried to get her to confront you, but she wouldn’t. She’s a stubborn bitch when she wants to be, lemme tell ya.”

“Don’t call her a bitch.” Haruka said, turning her head slightly to glare at her companion.

“Sorry, sorry.” Rin rolled her eyes. “I don’t mean anything by it, you know that.”

Haruka made a displeased noise in the back of her throat but didn’t comment any further.

“So.” Rin drawled, and Haruka tensed, not liking the tone in the other girl’s voice. “You still like to kiss girls, huh?”

“I’m not kissing you.”

“Hey, I already have a girlfriend. You may have been first, Haru, but you weren’t the last.”

“… Oh.”

“Don’t be too distraught about it.” Rin said, nudging Haruka’s leg with her foot. Haruka rolled her eyes. As if she would be upset. The only person she contemplated kissing nowadays was Makoto, who was the complete opposite of Rin. “But you want to kiss Makoto, don’t ya?”

Haruka glanced at Rin in shock.

“How did I know?” Rin laughed, shaking her head. “You’re already an overprotective girlfriend. I can’t even jokingly call my best friend a bitch when you’re around.”

“It’s not like I agonize over it.” Haruka grumbled. At least not _all_ the time. “But… she’s special.”

“Don’t I know it. We’re lucky she even acknowledges our existence.” Rin said, and Haruka had never agreed with her more. “But she loves us, you know? We have to make sure to return the favor in whatever way we can.”

Haruka experienced a flash of guilt. She’d been avoiding spending time alone with Makoto for a few days. If Makoto invited her somewhere and Nagisa and Rin wouldn’t be along for the ride, Haruka was quick to decline. Maybe that was why she was so irritable. She desperately missed Makoto and her smile.

“Anyway.” Rin said. “I just wanted to talk to you alone for a bit. You’d speak up if something was the matter, wouldn’t you?”

Haruka nodded. She lied, just as she did to Makoto and Miss Amakata.

“Good.” Rin stood up then, and Haruka watched her, suddenly exhausted. “Oh, hey. Speak of the angel.”

Haruka turned her head, following Rin’s gaze down the path leading to the park’s entrance, and her breathing stuttered.

Makoto was there, but so were Nagisa and Rei, talking to one another as they walked up the dirt path that lead to Haruka and Rin’s bench. Makoto was glowing, but then she always was, healthy and beautiful and wonderful without even trying. And when she strayed from her conversation with Rei long enough to notice that Rin and Haruka were there, her green eyes instantly found Haruka’s and held them for a few long moments.

And Makoto smiled.

“You’ve got it so bad.” Rin snickered. “Good thing I invited them down here, right?”

* * *

Slowly, and then all at once, Makoto’s happiness was the only thing that could trigger Haruka’s own.

“I’m so nervous.” Makoto said, proving this by chewing on the already bitten nails of her right hand. “I wasn’t as prepared for this exam as I wanted to be. I really hope I didn’t fail.”

“You didn’t.” Haruka said monotonously. She was confident in the other girl’s abilities. “You studied enough.”

Makoto made a forlorn noise but cut herself off as Miss Amakata came walking down their row, handing Haruka her exam and then giving Makoto her own.

The backstroke swimmer slammed her paper upside down on her desk, closing her eyes and breathing deeply for a few moments. Haruka spared the fleetest of glances at her own exam before turning it over, devoting all of her attention to the girl sitting next to her.

Finally, Makoto’s eyes flew open and she flipped the paper over. With a sigh of relief, she sunk down in her chair. “Oh, thank goodness.” Makoto breathed, and Haruka spied the thick red markings of a perfect score. “Those study sessions with Rei really paid off.”

“Congratulations.” Haruka said, resting her cheek in the palm of her hand, smiling slightly to herself as she observed her friend looking everything over for a final time before handing it back over to Miss Amakata.

Haruka had failed her own exam.

* * *

One day, Haruka decided to experiment a little.

She’d only ever dipped one appendage at a time in her pot of boiling water, or simply poured a small amount over a specific area of her skin until it turned sufficiently red. Haruka knew better than to wind up hospitalizing herself, but these were not normal circumstances.

She locked the door to her bathroom in case Makoto showed up unexpectedly and then ran the bathwater. The blue-eyed teenager didn’t turn the nozzle down as far as it would go, didn’t know if she could handle it, but the temperature of the water was surely hotter than what she was used to.

After the tub was full, Haruka stripped, throwing her clothes in the hamper as each article was removed. It was simply habit now, for her mother used to scold her when she left her clothes lying around during or after a bath.

Haruka stared down at the tub for a moment, as naked as the day she was born, before she lifted her right leg and stepped into the water. Of course, her first instinct was to yank the appendage out and find the nearest bag of ice. But Haruka grit her teeth and pressed on, swinging her other leg over the rim of the tub and then sitting down, gingerly, so she didn’t slip and fall.

The pain was beyond anything Haruka had ever felt before, and when she bit her lip to keep from crying out, that pain was nothing but a small twinge of discomfort compared to the hellfire she was bathing in.

Silent tears spilled from her eyes and slid down her cheeks, plopping down to mix with the scalding bathwater. Haruka had to wonder why she did this to herself, but it was better than missing her grandmother and agonizing over Makoto, who she could not have. Makoto, who did not deserve to be weighed down by Haruka’s vicious demons.

And Haruka bore through it, holding in her screams until the bathwater was no longer hot enough to distract her.

Only then did she get out of the tub.

* * *

She was tired.

She was tired and homesick and hungry because she couldn’t bring herself to eat anything at dinner. Makoto seemed to be beside herself with worry, but she was good at keeping it hidden, smiling that sweet smile of hers as she asked Haruka if she wanted to play a video game.

Haruka only agreed because not to would only cause problems. So, she sat on Makoto’s bed with a dozing Ran wrapped around her, breathing softly into the fabric of the nightshirt Haruka had borrowed from Makoto. Ren was in Makoto’s lap, drool sliding down his chin even though Makoto had paused the game nearly five times to wipe it away.

The blue-eyed girl lost every battle she and Makoto fought. She was aimlessly pressing buttons, hoping that something would pay off, but it never did. Haruka was just too exhausted to try and had been for days. She’d hoped spending the night at Makoto’s would help, but it only made things worse.

Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana were such good parents. They loved their children so much, and they showed Haruka every courtesy. But somehow, the kindness only made Haruka sad. She missed her own parents. She missed her grandmother.

Later that night, when they’d carried Ren and Ran back to their own beds, Makoto offered to braid Haruka’s hair again before bed.

Haruka let her – again, because not to would only cause problems – and she allowed herself to relax for the first time that day as Makoto’s hands worked away at her hair.

“Your hair isn’t as soft as it usually is.” Makoto commented off-handedly, though it had sounded like she was asking some kind of concealed question, which Haruka opted to ignore.

She wasn’t all that surprised. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d washed her hair.

* * *

Everything came to a head at swim practice.

“Alright, ladies, this is it.” Gou said in his “manager” voice, fixing each of the four girls with a blazing look that rivaled his older sister’s passion. “We’ve got two more weeks until the prefectural. Your relay times are looking good, but your individual ones could use some work. Rei, I want you to work on refining your stroke, okay?”

Rei nodded, a determined glint in her violet eyes as she began to formulate a strategy in her head. Her swimsuit had finally come in, so she wasn’t stuck wearing one of Nagisa’s bikinis anymore. Makoto had said it made them look more like an official team since they all matched.

“You too, Haruka.” Gou said, turning his head to glance at the sullen girl.

“What?” Nagisa blinked in surprise, one arm raised over her head as she paused in her stretching. “ _Haru-chan’s_ stroke needs to be refined? But why?”

Haruka only nodded. She knew she’d gotten sloppy, and she was thankful Gou hadn't tried to corner her to talk to her about it. Still. The concerned look Makoto was giving her made Haruka feel impossibly guilty.

The girls continued to stretch for a few more minutes before they each moved to their respective lanes and dove in for their warm-up laps.

Haruka was the last one to reach the pool.

She’d been poised to dive in but pulled up short, frowning down at her distorted reflection in the water. Something didn’t feel right. She listened to the sounds of the other girls splashing in their lanes and felt… nothing. Haruka was used to the buzz of excitement in her stomach whenever she was near a body of water, but this was muted, strange, almost… displeased.

Once, a long time ago, a woman had loved watching her granddaughter swim. She was the one who taught her how, and she stood by with a smile as natural talent took the initiative from there. Haruka would tell anybody who listened that she swam for herself, for the love she had for the water.

But what she wouldn’t say was that she swam for her grandmother as well. She wanted to feel close to her in any way she could, and Haruka would do just about anything to make her precious grandmother smile. After she died, Haruka stopped swimming because it was simply too painful, but she retained her love of the water.

This feeling in her stomach… it wasn’t love. Far from it. It was sadness and fear, loss and rage.

But above all, it was the acceptance of defeat. She hadn't noticed it before then, but she’d finally lost the battle with the monster that had attached itself to her while she cried beside her grandmother’s still body.

It had finally succeeded in taking everything from her.

Haruka rose from her crouched position, mouth slack as she stared at the waves of water lapping at the edge of the pool.

“Haru?” Makoto had stopped swimming halfway down the length of the pool, having noticed that Haruka wasn’t beside or in front of her. Haruka looked at her, a feeling of absolute horror making the hair on her arms stand on end. “What’s the matter?”

“I don’t feel like swimming.” Haruka said dully.

Then she started to cry.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I updated yesterday, but hey, if it's done, why make you all wait?

The first two days, nothing the others did could get Haruka into the pool.

She still went to practices, but she sat in a lawn chair with Miss Amakata and Gou while the others did their workouts. Her homeroom teacher and the manager of the swim club tried to engage her the best they could, but she was past the point of reason.

The loss of her close affinity with the water had shaken Haruka horribly. Just being around the pool was enough to make her stomach churn with despair. But that was all she was capable of feeling. The rest of her had gone completely numb.

So, she sat silently in her school uniform for a few hours, wanting to be anywhere but there. After practice ended, Makoto would go with Nagisa and Rei to change, and then come back to collect Haruka. Miss Amakata and Gou refused to leave her until Makoto came back.

“Time to go home, Haru.” Makoto would say, extending a hand to help Haruka up from her chair. She was always smiling, and Haruka would stare at her blankly, wondering how much of it was real, if any of it had ever been.

She wouldn’t say a word, but she would take Makoto’s hand and allow her to pull her to her feet.

In class, Haruka paid even less attention than she had before. Miss Amakata was the only teacher who actually tried to engage her, the only person who wouldn’t allow Makoto to answer a question in Haruka’s stead.

The blue-eyed girl went back to doodling on the papers meant for note taking, going back over the notes she’d taken in the weeks since joining the swim club and scribbling over those simply out of spite.

There was no sense to be made out of her doodles. They were as random and uninspired as the thoughts in Haruka’s head. She took no pleasure out of drawing anymore. She only did it to keep from losing what was left of her sanity during school.

The sketches of Makoto faded away, and the pod-less dolphin made its listless return.

* * *

On the third day, the others had enough.

They were on the roof as they were everyday during lunch, and Haruka sat with her back against the cool concrete of the school building, staring up at the cloudless sky.

Her legs were stretched out in front of her, completely bare beneath her skirt. She’d stopped worrying about keeping her burn scars covered, and when she ran out of clean stockings to wear, she didn’t bother washing any of them. Her classmates whispered when she walked into the classroom, but Haruka barely noticed.

It took a long while before Haruka realized that the distant sounds of talking had stopped. She blinked and glanced to the side where the others were only to find that they were staring at her.

Makoto sighed. “Haru, we need to talk.”

Haruka looked at each of them in turn and then frowned, displeased.

“We’re worried about you, Haruka-senpai.” Rei said next, her voice strong and clear, not wavering even the slightest bit. “Something has happened, but you won’t tell us what.”

“We’ve never seen you so sad before, Haru-chan.” Nagisa said, and tears sprung to her eyes. Haruka saw this and felt nothing. “Rei-chan is right. Why won’t you tell us what’s wrong? We’re your friends.”

“I never once said we were friends.” Haruka said coldly, and when Nagisa flinched the slightest bit, Rei reached over to take the blonde girl’s hand.

“Haruka.” Makoto said sharply, her green eyes narrowing, and in a distant part of Haruka’s mind, she was bothered by it. “That was completely uncalled for.”

Haruka sneered, mostly to herself, and pushed back against the wall, preparing to stand up. “Whatever. I’m not going to sit here and let you interrogate me. I have nothing to say to any of you.”

She stood, albeit shakily, and the other three noticed, for they jolted in their spots on the ground, as if preparing to help her if they were needed. It only pissed Haruka off more, and she stalked away, wrenching open the door that led back into the school.

She was about halfway down the first flight of stairs when a shadow appeared on the wall, cast by the figure standing in the doorway above her.

“That’s it, then?” Makoto sounded incredulous. “You’re just going to walk away from us? Haru, _stop!_ ”

And Haruka did. She didn’t know why at first, but then she felt a twinge of sensation in her gut that gradually built into something Haruka hadn't truly felt since her mother called to say they weren’t coming home until next year: anger.

“What do you want from me?” She snapped, spinning around on the step she was standing on to glare up at her classmate. “Did you think I would just tell you whatever you wanted to know if you asked nicely enough? I’m not our classmates, Makoto, you can’t just bad your eyelashes at me to get what you want.”

“That’s not – “ Makoto didn’t seem to know what to say. Her expression spoke of true hurt. Haruka could hear the sounds of Nagisa crying back on the roof, gasping for air as Rei tried to calm her down. “Haru. Is that what you think of me?”

Haruka glanced away. Of course it wasn’t, but Makoto didn’t need to know that.

“Okay.” Makoto said. She sounded angry. “Think what you want of me. But I care about you, all right? We all do, and we’re worried. You won’t swim, you don’t try in school, and you’re being rude for no reason. The Haruka I know wouldn’t treat her friends that way.”

“Oh, and you know _so much_ about me.” Haruka snarled. “Sorry, Makoto, but you don’t get to say that after hanging out with me for a little over a month. I’m not the person you swam that relay with. She’s long gone.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Makoto shot back, moving forward so she wasn’t standing in the doorway but at the top of the stairs. Her shadow fell over Haruka completely that way. “I _know_ that, I do! You’ve changed a lot, but you’re still _you._ And I think I would know, because – “

“Because you sat next to me in school for a few years? You never talked to me. You watched me draw, that’s it.”

“I watched you grow up. I watched you get sadder. I watched you wear layers of clothing on the hottest days of the year for no reason.” Haruka narrowed her eyes and moved down a step. The chill against her bare legs was more noticeable now. “And you won’t even tell me why. You won’t tell _us_ why. If something happened to you, why won’t you let us help you through it?”

Haruka laughed.

She laughed, and it was hollow. She laughed, and it was bitter. She hadn't laughed in years and it seemed appropriate that now was the time her warped sense of humor reared its ugly head. It was just simply hilarious that Makoto thought something other than Haruka’s own hand had caused the scars.

“My grandmother died, that’s what happened to me.” Haruka said. “My parents left, that’s what happened. Why won’t I let you help me through it? Because it’s life. Nothing can stop it, and nothing can change it. You want to know what happened to my body? I happened, Makoto.”

Makoto’s fierce expression twitched, faltered, and then broke completely, leaving a frightened teenaged girl in its wake. Haruka loved her so much it was ridiculous. But this was for the better. Normal people didn’t hurt their loved ones like this.

“You mean you… “

“Is it so hard to believe?” Haruka asked dryly. “I show up with new ones at every practice and you never wondered why?”

“We can help you.” Makoto said, and her voice cracked as it had when she awoke from her nightmare. “ _I_ can help you, I want – “

“You can’t. And I don’t want you to.” Haruka said coldly, turning away. “Fix your own shit before sticking your nose in other people's problems, Makoto. ”

And Haruka ran. She ran until she reached the main school building and only then did she slow down, breathing hard, not wanting to alert anybody to what had just happened. She entered the classroom alone, and her mathematics teacher smiled at her, though she ignored him.

Haruka took her usual seat at the back and waited for the weight of what she’d just done to crush her.

Fifteen minutes later, her classmates started to trickle into the room. She sat straight in her chair, palms pressed flat against her desk, staring straight ahead. Makoto was among the last, and she walked in with a girl whose name Haruka didn’t know, although she knew she was in their class.

And she dreaded so much as she waited for Makoto to take her usual seat.

But she didn’t.

Makoto’s movements were awkward and strange as she sat down in a desk at the front, and the girl she’d walked in with sat in the desk next to Haruka.

The blue-eyed girl was shocked, but she didn’t react, staring out the window as she usually would have as the lesson continued anew.

For the first time in days, Haruka’s thoughts weren’t muted and dull. They raced as Haruka used to, each one trying to be first, to take up all of Haruka’s attention. The ones that managed to stand out slowly consumed the young girl’s thoughts.

First: The things I said to Makoto were completely despicable.

Second: I hate myself for making Nagisa cry.

Third: I need them to know that no matter what becomes of me now, they will always mean the world to me.

Haruka went to work.

She grabbed her math notebook out of her backpack and flipped it open to a random page, grabbed a pencil, and started to draw.

She started with the dolphin, her lonely creation that had suffered quietly for so long, and the last shreds of her imagination took off from there.

Haruka watched her hand move and saw lines come together to form a penguin. Gentle in many ways with an aggressive streak when something she loved was harmed. Incredibly outgoing, but shy in a subtle way. The glue that held them all together, the playful cherub, the closet brain.

A butterfly. Beautiful and graceful. Her wings were unique, more so than any other, and she was willing to go wherever the wind took her. The new spirit in a cycle that began when they were all children, the voice of reason, the one with all the logic.

A shark. Fierce and passionate. She could only move forward and sometimes had a one-track mind. Ridiculously competitive, but when a person reached the softest part of her, she was more docile than anyone could imagine. The loner, the one who encouraged them all to move forward, the raging fire.

The killer whale took the longest. It had to be perfect. She was a gentle giant, clever and intuitive, and while not much could oppose her, she still took the time to be careful. She was beautiful in a different way than the butterfly, who voiced it at any given opportunity. No, she wasn’t even aware of it, more focused on others than herself. The maternal instinct, the scaredy-cat, the catalyst that sparked the dolphin’s brief spiral into a better life.

All of these creatures circled the dolphin, no longer alone, and Haruka would’ve liked to spend more time on it, though she knew there was none to spare. She tore the page from her notebook and gathered her things, standing up so abruptly that her chair screeched against the floor.

“Miss Nanase.” Her teacher said slowly. Makoto’s head dipped the slightest bit in the front row. “Is there something you need?”

Haruka walked to the front of the room and set the drawing down on Makoto’s desk. The other girl glanced at it briefly before looking up at Haruka. It had been nearly half an hour since lunch ended, but her eyes were still red from crying.

“My dolphin found her pod.” Haruka said, gripping tightly at the straps of her backpack. “She was happy for a while." She paused for a brief moment before adding, "Tell Nagisa and Rei that I'm quitting the team.”

And she left the classroom, ignoring her teacher’s calls for her to come back.

* * *

On the fourth and fifth days, Haruka didn’t go to school.

She slept off and on throughout the days and nights, ate when she was bored enough, and took baths when she needed stimulus. It didn’t matter if she didn’t take pleasure out of it anymore. Like drawing, Haruka needed the water to keep what was left of her sanity intact.

No one tried to contact her, and Haruka preferred it that way.

What she’d said to Makoto that first day still rang true.

Dolphins didn’t always swim in pods. Sometimes, they just needed to be alone.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back to the very start of the first chapter, folks. The story thus far has mostly been in past tense because Haru was thinking back on everything that happened immediately before she broke down completely. The rest of the fic will be in present tense!

The bath water is scalding.

Haruka can see the steam rising from the tub, can feel the heat of it burning her skin. Somehow it isn’t hot _enough,_ but the girl has no energy to sit up and adjust the nozzle. She shifts slightly so her right knee pokes out of the water.

She decides that her skin isn’t red enough and lowers it back down.

Haruka isn’t wearing her swimsuit.

She doesn’t want to ruin the material.

The young girl has built up a tolerance to the temperature in the past few days, but the fact still remains that the human body wasn’t meant to bathe in such scalding waters. Her eyes sting, and the upper portion of her back that is touching the porcelain of the tub that the water doesn’t reach is a cool blessing.

Haruka sighs to herself, lifting one leg out of the bathwater to push at the nozzle with her foot, turning off the flow of water before it spills onto the floor. Her days are long and boring now that she isn’t going to school. She has absolutely nothing to occupy her time.

And therein lies the problem. She doesn’t think she can be alone anymore. Any more time spent by herself in this house and she _will_ lose her mind.

It killed Haruka to do it, but she contacted her parents of her own volition and asked if she could leave Iwatobi to go be with them. They were thrown by her request and asked if she was certain. Haruka told them that she had never been more certain about anything before.

She’s ruined what little life she had left in the town of her birth. Haruka won’t be able to walk around without seeing the places where she went out with her teammates, bickered good-naturedly with Rin or played a two-player shooting game at the arcade with Nagisa.

Haruka wants to forget them. She wants to forget her grandmother. She wants to forget everything.

In a few weeks’ time, Haruka will leave Iwatobi, and she won’t be looking back. She’s not going to say goodbye, for there is no one to say goodbye to, and she’s going to travel with her parents until she’s had enough and decides to leave them again.

Haruka doesn’t know where her life will go from there. She honestly doesn’t even care. She is good at nothing, enjoys nothing, is nothing.

This is all she can do, withstand water that is meant to cook its contents.

Haruka doesn’t know how long she stays in the tub, but she does notice that while the sun was up when she got in, it’s beginning to set by the time she realizes that she should probably get out.

The water is freezing now, a different kind of extreme, and Haruka blinks up at the ceiling, head tipped over the back edge of the tub. It would be easier, she thinks, if she just turned into water. She is weighed down by too much, and it would be better, so much better, to just float along and let the current guide her path.

If only she could die and turn into sea foam, like the mermaids of folklore. Things would certainly be easier if that were the case.

Slowly, Haruka bends her legs and then slides down in the tub, not stopping until she’s completely submerged. She keeps her eyes open, staring at the slight movements of the water above her, and waits.

It’s actually quite peaceful. She only comes up for air when it’s absolutely necessary before ducking back down again, pretending – if even for a moment – that she is water, that she is alive, that she is free. Haruka doesn’t trust the water anymore, so she’s careful not to lose herself in the illusion, but it’s very tempting.

She closes her eyes and wishes. For her friends’ continued happiness when she leaves Iwatobi, for the eternal rest of her grandmother’s soul, for an adequate resolution to her own sad life. Haruka wishes, and she concentrates on the feel of the water gently causing her to sway.

She doesn’t trust it, but she appreciates its false pretense.

And suddenly Haruka is being grabbed, yanked upright, and the girl sputters, as she’d almost inhaled a mouthful of freezing water in her shock.

“What the fuck!” It’s the first time Haruka has heard Makoto curse before. It’s also the first time she’s seen her absolutely panicked. Not even the aftermath of her nightmare had been this bad. “What are you _doing?_ ”

Haruka can only stare, blinking past the dripping fringes of her dark hair as she struggles to comprehend that Makoto is in her house. She must’ve forgotten to lock the doors again.

“I was taking a bath.” Haruka says. She knows how bad this must look considering what Makoto now knows about her burn scars, but the other girl needs to understand that Haruka wasn’t trying to do anything dangerous. “I wanted to see what it was like to be water.”

“You were – “ Makoto repeats, whispering, still gripping Haruka’s arms probably to the point of bruising. Her hair is up, and she’s dressed in shorts and a tank top. She must have walked over immediately after eating dinner with her family. Haruka wishes she knew why. Her green eyes are blown wide, pupils dilated to pinpoints, and as the two girls stare at one another, they fill with tears. “I thought – “

Makoto lets go, and Haruka immediately wishes she hadn’t, but then Makoto is covering her face and shaking and Haruka is horrified.

“I thought – “ Makoto hiccups, shoulders shuddering. “I thought you were – “

Haruka feels like throwing up as Makoto leans against the edge of the tub, burying her face in her forearms as she starts to bawl, easily filling the silence that has become commonplace in Haruka’s home.

The older girl knows what Makoto thought. She thought Haruka was dead or dying, trying to drown herself in her bathtub, and she probably thinks it’s her fault. Haruka knows Makoto well enough to understand that, but after all the deplorable things Haruka said to her at school, the one thing the blue-eyed teenager _doesn’t_ know is why Makoto cares as much as she does.

Despite the fact that her body aches with phantom pains – and despite the fact that she’s completely naked – Haruka lifts her arms out of the water and wraps them around Makoto’s neck and shoulders.

“I’m sorry.” She says, pressing her wet forehead to Makoto’s hair. The brunette only cries harder. “I’m _so sorry_ , Makoto.”

What she’s apologizing for, Haruka doesn’t know. For scaring Makoto, for saying those awful things to her, for loving her as much as she does but still managing to hurt her so badly.

But Haruka feels it. She’s never been more sorry in her life.

* * *

Makoto recovers eventually, but only when Haruka’s shivering intensifies to the point that the younger girl notices.

Tears are still spilling down Makoto’s red-tinted cheeks as she helps Haruka from the tub, not caring if she gets wet. Haruka hadn't brought a towel with her to the bathroom, and when Makoto leaves for the briefest of moments to find one, Haruka sits down on the toilet, unable to support herself.

Makoto dries and dresses her, eyes never staring any further down than Haruka’s collarbone, and the air between them is quiet and tense. Or at least it is for Haruka. She can’t even begin to guess how Makoto feels or what she’s thinking. She has no other situations like this in her memory to draw information from.

Haruka falls into her bed when Makoto is searching for pants for Haruka to wear. She doesn’t wear pants or shorts when she sleeps in her own bed and she’s not about to start. She’s only wearing panties and an oversized t-shirt that Makoto left the last time she spent the night. Haruka briefly wonders if Makoto knew that when she tugged it over Haruka’s head, but she decides that it’s irrelevant.

It’s with a groan that Haruka snuggles into her cluster of blankets and pillows, damp hair creating a chill against her back that the girl ignores. When her eyes blink open, Makoto is above her, arms crossed over her chest, just watching.

Haruka hesitates. She wants to ask Makoto to stay but knows that she doesn’t have the right to do so. She’d accepted the likelihood that she would never see her or any of the others again, but now that Makoto is within reach, Haruka wants to be selfish, and she doesn’t know if she’ll be okay if Makoto leaves her now.

The corners of Makoto’s mouth tug down, but then she’s hefting herself up onto the bed and crawling over Haruka, taking the space next to the window. Haruka breathes out an inaudible sigh of relief. Whether or not they’re fighting is irrelevant. Makoto can still tell what Haruka isn’t saying. She knows what she needs. And she’s still willing to be accommodating.

Haruka doesn’t move as Makoto situates herself, the bed shifting and the mattress dipping as she does. Makoto still hasn’t said anything since they left the bathroom, and she keeps her vow of silence even as she slides an arm over Haruka’s waist and presses closer.

She’s sharing her body heat, as Haruka still hasn’t warmed up from her possible hours spent in the cold bathwater, but Haruka still shivers despite the added warmth.

For a while, they don’t speak. Haruka stares into her darkened bedroom and syncs her breathing with Makoto’s, trying to gather her thoughts. It’s hard when the other girl’s breasts are pressed firmly against her back, but Haruka knows it isn’t the time or the place to be distracted by such things.

“I’m sorry.” Haruka says eventually, reiterating the phrase for the tenth or twentieth time; she’s not certain. “I said horrible things to you.”

“I’m the one who’s sorry.” Makoto replies, her voice barely above a whisper. “Rin’s mom dealt with depression for a while after Mr. Matsuoka died in the typhoon. Rin told us that you would probably lash out, but it was only because you’d be scared. When you ran, I wasn’t supposed to follow you. I did the wrong thing, and you did exactly what Rin said you would.”

Haruka is surprised that Makoto, Nagisa, and Rei had talked to Rin about this, but is even more so by the fact that they figured out she was depressed and that _Makoto_ is the one apologizing.

Makoto did nothing wrong that day on the roof. She was only worried about Haruka’s well being, and Haruka shouldn’t have reacted as she did.

“I was glad that you followed me.” Haruka admits, to Makoto as well as herself. “I can’t explain it. I don’t know why. But I was… _happy_ that you weren’t going to let me leave without a fight.”

“Not again.” Makoto murmurs, almost to herself, and Haruka doesn’t respond.

Eventually, the dull thumping of the other girl’s heart against her back lulls Haruka to sleep.

* * *

They both jolt awake when the sound of Makoto’s cellphone breaks the peaceful quiet of the morning.

Haruka strains against her pillow sleepily as Makoto sits up, carefully maneuvering over the other girl as she climbs from the bed and heads over to Haruka’s desk where she left her phone.

“Hello?” Makoto says, voice thick with sleep. “Oh… hey, Dad.”

She sounds sheepish, as if caught in the act, and Haruka sits up, wanting to give the other girl some privacy. She can feel Makoto’s eyes tracking her as she leaves the room, but Haruka is determined to leave her to it, so she doesn’t turn back.

When she descends the stairs, she does it slowly, because she’s not wearing a bra and isn’t too keen to feel discomfort so early in the morning. Haruka doesn’t have a destination in mind, only knows she doesn’t want to hear whatever explanation Makoto gives her father.

So, she goes outside. The hedges are too tall for anyone to see her, so Haruka isn’t concerned that she isn’t wearing pants as she sits down on the small porch at the side of her house. The concrete is cool against Haruka’s bare thighs, and she stretches out her legs, sighing to herself.

While she’s somewhat pleased that Makoto came to see her, it only complicates things. Haruka is leaving in a few weeks. If she patches things up with Makoto now, she’ll have to tell her about her plans. Haruka doesn’t know how she’ll react, and frankly, she doesn’t want to.

She’s already made Makoto cry twice – that she knows of – in the past week. She doesn’t want to do anything to set her off again.

A sudden rustling in the hedges catches Haruka’s attention, and she glances up just as a white figure slides out of the brush.

“Tinker.” Haruka says, surprised.

Many years ago, Haruka’s grandmother insisted on feeding the stray cats that showed up on their doorstep. Haruka had often helped her, and while she was fond of all the felines, the tiny white kitten was always her favorite. When she was little, the green-eyed cat had a knack for getting herself into sticky situations out of curiosity and a special love for new things, so Haruka’s grandmother had named her Tinker.

When her grandmother died, Haruka stopped feeding the cats, and eventually, they stopped coming around altogether. Tinker was bigger now and obviously doing very well for herself. To think that she’d continued to come back over the years, even though she’d found another source of food, is simply amazing.

Tinker’s tail twitches as she walks over to Haruka, meowing as she rubs herself against the girl’s bare legs. Haruka smiles for the first time in days, leaning over to pick up the cat and draw her closer.

“You silly kitty.” Haruka says as Tinker starts to purr, butting her head underneath Haruka’s chin. “There’s nothing here for you anymore.”

Tinker is none the wiser, and Haruka is content to hold the cat and pet her, because she doesn’t know if she’ll see her again.

Some time later, Tinker’s ears twitch as the sound of footsteps draw closer. Makoto comes outside, sitting down beside Haruka and heaving a huge sigh.

“What happened?”

“My parents weren’t too happy.” Makoto says. She’s let her thick hair out of its ponytail, and it falls in a sleep-mused mass over her shoulders. Haruka doubts her own hair looks much better. “I told them I was going to see you last night, but I didn’t say I was going to stay over. Anyway. Who’s this little guy?”

“Tinker. She’s a stray. I used to feed her.”

“She’s beautiful for a stray.” Makoto comments, reaching over to scratch Tinker underneath her chin. Haruka can tell that the cat is already taken with Makoto from the way she pushes against her hand, wanting more attention. “The ones around my house are pretty nasty. Mom says they’re feral.”

Haruka nods, thinks a few things over for a bit, and then says, “Yesterday. Was there something you wanted to say before you found me?”

Makoto’s small smile falls from her face at the reminder. “Well. I wanted to apologize, but I already did that. Other than that, I just came to convince you not to quit the team.”

Haruka sighs. “Makoto, I – “

“If you leave, it’ll dissolve completely. And with prefects coming up, all the work we’ve done will have been for nothing.” Makoto sounds like she’s rehearsed this. “I think you’ll regret it, I really do. I know how much you love swimming.”

“I don’t think I love anything anymore.” Haruka murmurs. The, “Aside from you,” goes unsaid. “You saw what happened. I couldn’t even get in the pool."

“I bet you’d feel better if you opened up about it all.” Makoto says, and her eyes drift down to Haruka’s legs. “Will you tell me what you did?”

“I burn myself.” Haruka replies. It slips out of her mouth easily, like water, and Makoto flinches. “I boil water and then pour it over my arms and legs.”

“Why?”

“I don’t really know anymore.”

It’s the truth, no matter how awful it sounds. She did it to forget before, but now she’s at a point where she can’t get upset even if she does think about her grandmother’s death and her parents’ abandonment. So, why does she still do it?

“I hate that you would do that to yourself.” Makoto says sadly. “And I hate that I never noticed.”

“I lied to everybody, not just you. I didn’t want to bother you guys with my problems.”

“But we love you!” Makoto shoots back, suddenly fierce, and Haruka stares at her. “You may not believe me, but it’s true. We care about what happens to you. And we’re going to do whatever it takes to make you happy again.

“I lost you once, back when we were kids.” Makoto’s voice drops considerably, and Haruka thinks back to the previous night, to Makoto’s forlorn, “Not again.” She’d had no idea that Makoto had been so badly affected when Haruka checked out on life. “And you were right there next to me. I could’ve reached out to you, but I didn’t. I’ll regret that for the rest of my life.”

Makoto looks at her again, and Haruka’s breathing falters as her grip on Tinker tightens. Makoto’s green eyes are usually calm and warm, enticing in nearly every way. Now they blaze with intensity and sincerity, and something else that Haruka has never seen in her friend’s expression before.

They stare at one another, and Haruks is frustrated, so frustrated, by the fire building between her legs. And she feels foolish, sitting outside with her best friend and crush, wearing nothing but said best friend’s shirt and her own underwear and –

“I won’t let you run away again, Haru.” Makoto says. Her voice sounds strange.

“Okay.” Haruka says, and then Makoto takes her face in her hands and kisses her.

From a technical standpoint, it’s no different from the kiss Haruka shared with Rin nearly four years ago. But Haruka has been aching for it for weeks now, ever since that first day when Makoto smiled at her.

But it goes without saying that Haruka didn’t love Rin like she loves Makoto, and that makes all the difference.

Haruka feels a ghost of sensation as Tinker sniffs at her chin, leaning up to investigate the strange new occurrence, true to her nature.

She ignores her for now, moving her lips against Makoto’s as fiercely as she can, as out of her depth as she is. Haruka takes what Makoto gives her and repays her with whatever she can, everything she is, because if Haruka is going to place the fate of her life, love, and happiness in anyone’s hands, it’s going to be Makoto’s.

* * *

“I’m not going to be a good girlfriend.”

“That's all right.”

“I’ll have bad days. I’ll be mean to you.”

“We all have bad days, Haru.”

“I kissed Rin.”

"Okay.”

“You’re not just supposed to put up with me, Makoto!”

“Why not? I’ve been in love with you since we were kids. I won’t stop just because you’re in a bad mood.”

“… “

“Haru?”

“… You can’t just _say_ things like that.”

“Says you.”

“You’ll leave. Everyone else does.”

“I said I’d help you through this, didn’t I? I follow through with my promises.”

“I don’t believe this.”

“You don’t even know how long I’ve pined over you, Nanase Haruka. Please believe me when I say I’m not going anywhere. And, hey, I’m the killer whale in our pod, right? I’ve heard talk that they’re pretty persistent.”

“Oh, shut up.”

They aren’t perfect, but they are everything, and Haruka can only hope that someday, she’ll be in a place where she believes that she deserves Tachibana Makoto, her kindness and her love.

And maybe, just maybe, Haruka can learn to be truly happy along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I refuse to end this fic until Haru cries tears of joy.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter is short, but hey, important character growth for Haruka goes down.

Makoto isn’t a cure for sadness.

Come Monday, Haruka wakes up to find that she doesn’t feel any better than she did the previous week. When she called her parents to ask to go live with them, they agreed to contact the school and let them know that Haruka would be transferring and that she wouldn’t be back.

No one will notice if she doesn’t show up, so Haruka doesn’t bother. There’s a rock lodged in her stomach composed of dread and guilt. She’d pondered over an apology to Nagisa and Rei the entire weekend, and while she was certain about what she wanted to say, now that the day has come, her confidence has left her entirely.

She feels so badly that she begins to wonder if she actually is sick, and not just in the normal sense. She’d been flying on Cloud Nine after her weekend spent within the comforts of her home with Makoto, but it seems that Haruka has crashed and burned.

Makoto had made her want to be optimistic, but of course, nothing is ever that simple.

When Makoto shows up to walk with her to school, Haruka tugs her comforter over her head, not wanting the other girl to see how gross she feels and assume that it’s her fault again.

“Is it a bad day?” Makoto asks from the doorway, and Haruka nods, even if the other girl can’t see. “It’s okay. Monday’s are always awful.”

The telltale thump of Makoto’s backpack hitting the floor catches Haruka’s attention, and she lifts her head, pushes her comforter away from her face.

Makoto is taking off her blazer, and she smiles when she notices Haruka staring at her. “Hi.”

“What are you doing?”

“Keeping you company.” Makoto says, pulling the edges of her blouse from skirt. For a moment, Haruka catches a glimpse of her bare stomach and swallows. “I’ll call my mom and tell her you’re sick and that I’m taking care of you. Not much is going on in school today anyway.”

Haruka doesn’t have the energy to tell Makoto that she shouldn’t skip school just for Haruka’s sake. Maybe kissing her wasn’t a good idea. Maybe she wouldn’t want to stay if they weren’t… whatever they are.

But her uncertain thoughts don’t make Haruka ungrateful, and she reaches up when Makoto approaches the bed, hiking one knee up to rest on the mattress so that she’s leaning over Haruka. Her pale fingers curl into the collar of Makoto’s blouse, and the taller girl smiles sweetly, pressing a brief kiss to Haruka’s sweaty forehead.

“You don’t have to do this alone anymore, remember?” Makoto says, and Haruka nods, tugging her best friend down onto the bed with her.

They sleep until noon. Or Makoto sleeps until noon. Haruka merely dozes, partially lulled away by Makoto’s warmth and the press of her limbs. She plays with Makoto’s hands, tracing the lines of her palms and rubbing her thumbs over abused fingernails, and when Makoto wakes up, she nuzzles sleepily into Haruka and asks if she feels well enough to eat something.

Makoto isn’t a cure for sadness, but she does help.

* * *

Haruka somehow goes the entire day without seeing either Nagisa or Rei. She refuses to go to the roof during lunch and stays in the classroom, anxiously sketching profiles of Makoto, her lips and the line of her jaw.

Makoto is flexible and doesn’t press too hard. When Haruka digs her heels in, Makoto only sighs a bit and stands up, as if to leave. Haruka is startled by it, and Makoto must notice, for she says, “I’m going to tell them that we’ll see them at practice. I’ll be right back.”

Messing up is hard. Apologizing is even more so, and Haruka doesn’t know what to expect when she walks down to the pool with Makoto once school ends.

She doesn’t know if there is such thing as redemption after denouncing one’s friends. They were all nothing but kind to her, and Haruka threw it back in their faces in the worst possible way. Makoto forgave her, but she carried her own twisted guilt over the situation, not to mention that she claimed to have been in love with Haruka since they were kids.

Nagisa and Rei have no reason to forgive Haruka for what she did. And on the way down to the pool, Haruka manages to convince herself that they won’t and begins to panic.

She thinks she does a good job of hiding it, but then Makoto actively tries to fill the silence between them more than she normally would and those thoughts are banished. Haruka may be scared, but she’s just relieved Makoto will be there and that she doesn’t have to confront her mistakes alone.

When they walk into the changing room, Nagisa and Rei are already in their suits, but they aren’t talking to one another. They’re just leaning against the cubbies, staring forlornly at the floor, and when they simultaneously glance up as the older girls walk in, Haruka realizes they were waiting for them.

She fidgets for a moment, trying to transport herself back to yesterday, to the hours she spent in bed with Makoto, to when she was calm.

“Um – “ She begins, but then Nagisa is pushing away from the cubbies and nearly flying to her, hugging Haruka with five times her usual intensity.

“We’re so sorry, Haru-chan.” Nagisa says. Her face is pressed against Haruka’s shoulder, so her voice is a little muffled. “We didn’t mean to make you upset!”

Haruka starts to tear up. She wants to hug Nagisa back but can’t. Her arms won’t move. ”I’m sorry.” She croaks out, forgetting her apology speech in its entirety. “We are friends, we _are,_ I’m so sorry.”

“We understand that you didn’t mean what you said.” Rei says kindly. Nagisa is sniffling openly while Haruka is trying not to, and Makoto is just standing off to the side, watching them fondly. “Rin-san warned us that you probably wouldn’t react well to being confronted.”

“We didn’t know you were depressed, Haru-chan.” Nagisa pulls away, staring directly into Haruka’s eyes as she speaks. In truth, it’s the most serious the younger girl has ever looked. “How come you never said anything?”

“I didn’t even have friends until this summer, Nagisa.” Haruka says sullenly. “There was no one to tell.”

“You haven’t even told your parents?”

Haruka starts to say that she has told her parents, but stops herself just in time. She told them when she called to ask if she could leave. She was as vague as possible and didn’t mention her burn scars, but her parents got the gist of everything that was happening to her.

She never got the chance to tell Makoto that she was leaving. It had totally slipped her mind until now. But Haruka doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to word it. How can she tell her best friend – whom she just recently started a relationship with – that she’ll be leaving in a few weeks?

The answer is simple: She can’t.

“No.” Haruka replies, shaking her head. “I haven’t told them. I thought I could handle it, but – “

She trails off. They’ve all seen her body. They know she couldn’t handle it.

“Well. I’m just glad you’re back.” Rei says, placing her hands on her hips. “Makoto-senpai told us you were planning to quit the team, and then when you didn’t show up to school for a couple days, we assumed the worst.”

“You’re not still quitting, are you?” Nagisa gasps, gripping at Haruka’s shoulders tightly. “Please don’t, we need you!”

Haruka looks away. “I don’t expect you guys to understand, but I can’t go near the pool. I feel sick whenever I even think about it.”

“We won’t push you.” Makoto says, and Nagisa and Rei bob their heads eagerly. “If you can’t get in the pool, we’ll figure something out. The last thing we want is for you to force yourself and end up hurt.”

Haruka doesn’t think she deserves the leniency the others are showing her. The four of them _are_ the swim team. Makoto, Nagisa, and Rei can compete in their individual events just fine, but without a fourth member, they can’t swim in relays. Gou signed them up for one at prefects, but without Haruka, they’ll have to drop out.

At this point, Haruka doesn’t care if she ends up hurt. She’ll do whatever she can for her friends.

“I’ll try to get in today.” Haruka says, and she can hear the reluctance in her voice.

Apparently the others can too, because Nagisa and Rei exchange an unsure glance while Makoto begins with an imploring, “Haru – “

“If I don’t, I’ll be afraid forever.” Haruka says, fixing Makoto with a level stare. “That’s not what I want. Please. Just let me try.”

Makoto observes her for a moment, green eyes flitting over Haruka’s face as if searching, but then she sighs and reaches for her backpack, which she’d set on the floor by the door when they walked in. “I thought you might say that.” She says, unzipping her backpack and pulling out a swimsuit. Haruka spies the familiar purple lines and knows the suit isn’t Makoto’s. “I took this from your closet before we left for school this morning.”

“Thief.” Haruka murmurs, taking the suit when Makoto offers it to her.

“You never know when you’ll need an emergency swim suit.”

“Awesome!” Nagisa chirps, and she steps away from Haruka to snag Rei’s hand. While she drags the other girl toward the door, the blonde calls over her shoulder, “We’ll leave you guys to get changed. We’re gonna go see if Gou-chan is here.”

As soon as they’re gone, Makoto turns back to Haruka. “You’re sure about this?”

Haruka only nods, mouth set in a firm line.

They change quietly, but Haruka sends Makoto out without her, claiming that she needs a moment to herself. The taller girl agrees and makes her exit without complaint, leaving Haruka alone in the changing room.

She releases a shaky sigh, letting her posture slump now that she’s alone. She really isn’t sure how she’s going to accomplish this. If it was a matter of interest, Haruka could muster up the necessary energy to get in if she really wanted.

But this is an issue of lost trust and incentive. It bothers Haruka that her own sadness managed to consume her enough that the one thing she enjoyed more than anything stopped giving her pleasure. She doesn’t want to get in and find that she isn’t enthused, isn’t enjoying herself.

Haruka feels that if she does get in and feels that way, there will be no going back. The passion will be lost to her forever.

She turns to grab her cap and goggles but stops.

There, taped on the wall, is her drawing.

Makoto must have shown it to the others the same day Haruka ran out on them. Haruka doesn’t mind, for that had been her intention, but she can’t seem to stop staring at it.

She drew it because she wanted the others to know that they mean something to her, that she loves them, no matter what she might say to their faces. They inspire her. They make her want to be happy.

Haruka doesn’t think she can swim for her grandmother anymore. It just hurts too much.

Then and there, staring at the pencil sketch she made when only a few things made sense in her mind, Haruka resolves to swim for her friends, for their team.

These are her girls, this is her team, and if she swims, she can keep up with them. They can help her move forward in a way her deceased grandmother cannot.

Before she leaves the changing room, Haruka reaches up and touches the drawing, ghosts her fingers over each of the animals she depicted, lingering over the orca.

Only then does she go to meet the others.

* * *

With a week left until prefects, Haruka stays late after school nearly everyday to work on her individual event.

She only swims free, so there isn’t much to really work on if she’s being honest. It’s more that she’s reacquainting herself with the water after falling out with it in such a jarring way.

Going back to swimming with the team is a gradual thing, and Haruka still isn’t fluid in the water as she was before. The young swimmer just makes sure to touch her drawing in the changing room before she follows the others to the pool.

Strange though it may be, it gives her strength, and if the others bothered to tape it to the wall while she was gone, it must mean something to them as well.

Haruka lifts her face out of the water to take a breath and notices that Makoto is sitting down on the cooling concrete, leaning against the chain-link fence as she watches Haruka swim.

Normally she would keep swimming, but it’s nearly seven. She doesn’t want Makoto to get into trouble if one of the lingering teachers catches them on school grounds this late.

Haruka stops, moving her arms in minute circles to keep herself afloat as she stares at the other girl. “What are you doing?”

“Waiting to walk you home.” Makoto says. Her arms are wrapped around her knees, drawn up to her chest, and her chin rests atop them. In the waning light of the setting sun, she looks alluring. “I’ve been here for a while.”

It strikes a chord within Haruka that she hadn't noticed her girlfriend sitting there until now. She doubts she’ll ever stop being sorry for ignoring Makoto’s presence all those years.

She’s in the furthermost lane, so she ducks underneath the ropes that divide the pool until she reaches the other side, resting her forearms on the white grating that covers the drains.

Makoto smiles lazily. Her eyes are half-lidded and glazed with exhaustion. She seems more tired than usual lately, and Haruka doesn’t know what to make of it. “Watcha doin’?”

“Nothing.” Haruka replies, taking off her cap and goggles and setting them down on the concrete. _Just sit still and let me look at you._ “You shouldn’t have waited. You need sleep.”

“Not really. I think better when I’m tired.”

“You _over think_ when you’re tired.”

“Mm, maybe.” Makoto sighs, and her eyes slide shut. “Still. I wouldn’t be a very good girlfriend if I let you walk home by yourself in the dark.”

Haruka is chest-deep in cold, chlorine-scented water, but her body still manages to heat up at the words. “I think you’re more concerned about walking home in the dark than I am.”

“You got me.”

Haruka smiles to herself, kicking her legs idly. She’d meant to convince Makoto to go home, but she’s all too content to just relax here until night closes in completely. Sleep does sound appealing, it’s just a shame that Makoto won’t be there when she wakes up.

Makoto has downright inhuman body heat, so sleeping underneath blankets with her is like stepping into a bathhouse, but Haruka doesn’t mind one bit. Things have been cold in her life for far too long.

“Hey, Haru?” Makoto’s eyes are open again. She still looks tired, but there’s something quietly apprehensive about her expression. “Can I kiss you?”

Haruka blinks a few times before frowning. “You don’t have to ask.”

Makoto’s grin is consuming, and as she pushes herself to her feet, all Haruka can think is that she wants the other girl to hurry the hell up and kiss her already.

“It’s only polite.” Makoto points out as she crouches above Haruka, finds that the angle isn’t productive, and gets down on her knees instead. Her jeans are most likely getting soaked, and Haruka wonders for the first time what Makoto did in the hours between now and when school ended, if she went home to change and came back or just brought clothes to change into before she left her house that morning. “And if I don’t give myself rules, I'll go crazy.”

Haruka lifts an eyebrow. “You have rules for kissing me?”

Makoto braces her palms on the edge of the pool and leans down, brunette tendrils of her hair slipping off her shoulders to frame her face. Haruka is careful to keep her expression neutral. “Only one or two.” Makoto says, lips quirked in a half smile. She also becomes more flippant with what she says when she’s tired. “Just enough to keep things Ren and Ran friendly.”

“You nerd.” Haruka says, using her upper arm strength to hoist herself up.

She undershoots things and ends up bumping her nose roughly against Makoto’s chin, but Haruka is used to pain, so she doesn’t let it stop her from searching out her girlfriend’s lips. Makoto hums with laughter at her eagerness, and she slides a hand around the back of Haruka’s neck, keeping her close.

Makoto’s lips are as warm as the rest of her, sending a jolt tearing straight down Haruka’s spine, and she can’t help but wonder what kind of “rules” Makoto has in place in her mind. She’ll have to remember to ask her later.

So far, their kisses have been sweet and simple, and Makoto holds to that as she pulls away long before Haruka is ready, smiling from ear to ear.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of that.” She says, more than a little breathless, but when Haruka frowns, she’s immediately concerned. “What’s wr – “

Haruka throws her wet arms around the other girl’s shoulders and muffles Makoto’s shocked squeal with her own lips as she pulls her down into the pool, clothes and all.

Really. It’s Makoto’s own fault for being adorable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ik Makoto getting pulled into the pool is cliche and probably overdone but it was fucking adorable, leave me be.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like this chapter. Sorry it took so long, but I reeaallly wanted it to be as close to perfect (in my mind, at least) as possible.
> 
> Warnings: Swimming lesbians breaking Makoto's rules like it's nobody's business. (If that bothers you, I honestly don't know why you're readin' the story.)

Haruka likes going on dates with Makoto. It’s great because they’re girls, and no one really suspects anything when they go to a restaurant alone – Haruka wouldn’t really care if anyone _did_ suspect anything, for they would be correct.

Makoto goes to extreme lengths to make Haruka comfortable no matter where they are, and it’s cute in an exasperating sort of way, because Haruka doesn’t really care where she is so long as Makoto is there.

She likes that Makoto holds her hand when she walks her home afterward. Haruka has never really been one for physical contact, but she’s found that _not_ touching Makoto when they’re alone together is weird and disconcerting.

And Haruka also likes when Makoto kisses her on her doorstep. It’s sickeningly cliché of course, but Haruka has come to look forward to those stolen moments at her front door. And if it weren’t for Makoto’s stupid rules, Haruka would probably have more… _interesting_ experiences to hang over Rin’s head when the time comes, but she’ll take whatever her girlfriend gives her.

What Haruka doesn’t like about the dates is that she’s come to cherish them. And when they all hang out as a group, a small part of the sixteen-year-old wishes that it was just she and Makoto. Not to say that Haruka dislikes spending time with her friends now. It’s just difficult keeping her hands to herself in their company.

The five of them had been too busy preparing for prefects to spend much time together as a group, and once they pass – Haruka, Makoto, Nagisa, and Rin got first in their respective events and were able to move on, and while Rei’s time fell short, she would get to swim the relay with them at prelims – Nagisa and Rin are quick to bully the others into another sleepover.

This time they’re going to Rin’s, but they spend most of the evening after prefects walking around town together, still hyped up on adrenaline from their races. Rei actually isn’t all that upset about her performance. She said she hadn't really been expecting anything and that she was just glad they could all swim another relay together.

Haruka understands where she’s coming from completely. She hadn't swam a true relay in years, and just working as a tireless unit with her friends had inspired a feeling within Haruka that she can’t quite explain. She still doesn’t remember much from her swim club days, but she can’t help but wonder if it had felt the same back then.

Overall, the mood between the five of them is calm and comfortable. Nagisa and Rin wanted to get their nails done, so Haruka, Makoto, and Rei went to a nearby bookstore to wait while the other two agonized over colors and designs. Afterward, they find a café with a relatively short waiting period and settle down to eat.

They find a booth to sit in – the others have learned by now that Haruka doesn’t like feeling exposed – and Haruka sits with Makoto on one side while Rei and Nagisa huddle together on the other. Rin pulls up a chair to sit at the edge, and the other four leave her in charge of flagging down a waiter and being the overall spokesperson of the group.

Sometime later, when everyone is preparing to dig into their food, Makoto blurts out, “So, Haru and I are dating now.”

A lot can be said for her horrible timing, but Haruka can’t say she isn’t amused by the way Nagisa drops her chopsticks, or how Rei chokes on her drink. Rin doesn’t really react, but she smirks over at Haruka with a knowing glint in her vermillion eyes.

“Haruka-senpai.” Rei says once she collects herself, staring wide-eyed at Haruka. “Is that true?”

Haruka frowns. “Makoto wouldn’t lie.”

Nagisa is starting to turn pink, and Haruka eyes her warily, shifting nervously in her seat.

“Well, I for one am simply overjoyed by this _surprising_ turn of events.” Rin drawls, and Haruka scowls, kicking the other girl’s shin underneath the table. Rin doesn’t even flinch, instead turning to observe Nagisa, who is just to her right. “Dude, are you even breathing?”

Freshly manicured hands slam down on the face of the table, drawing a few curious stares from the other patrons of the small café they’re frequenting and causing Makoto to jump slightly in her seat.

“I’m so – I can’t even – “ Nagisa clamps her mouth shut, a muffled shriek escaping her, and Makoto and Haruka exchange bewildered glances. “Mako-chan! You finally made a move? _And you didn’t tell me?_ ”

“She’s telling you now, isn’t she?” Rei says. She doesn’t look upset, just slightly shell-shocked. Haruka supposes she can sympathize. She’d had no idea Nagisa knew about Makoto’s affections for her.

“Nagisa.” Makoto sighs, fiddling with her napkin. “It’s not – I didn’t _plan_ it or anything.”

“Well, what happened?” Nagisa demands, which Rin backs up with a flat, “Spill, Tachibana."

Makoto hesitates, glancing at Haruka out of the corner of her eye. The older girl knows that Makoto won’t say a word about the state she found Haruka in that day, physically and mentally exhausted enough to want to pretend, if even for a moment, that she was actually water.

The others don’t need to know the important details, but Haruka is still willing to bite.

“Well, I was naked.” Haruka says after a moment, and Rin barks out a laugh while Nagisa reaches over to clutch at Rei’s arm.

“Haru!” Makoto yelps. The bridge of her nose is dusted pink, and Haruka takes a moment to appreciate the freckles she sees there. “That’s not – She was just taking a bath!”

“You walked in on Haruka-senpai _bathing?_ ”

The backstroke swimmer groans, burying her face in her hands. “Why is this happening to me?”

“ _You_ wanted to tell them.” Haruka points out dully, poking at the ice cubes in her glass of water with Makoto’s spoon.

“What, Haru, were you gonna try to keep it a secret?” Rin asks, twirling one of the longer strands of her hair around her finger. She is enjoying this entirely too much, Haruka decides. “We technically already knew. We were all just waiting for the announcement. Well, aside from Speedo Glasses over there. Studies show she’s really oblivious.”

Rei straightens her back. “Excuse me for never suspecting anything! All the couples I’ve observed in the past can’t keep their hands off one another. Makoto-senpai and Haruka-senpai aren’t like that.”

“It’s okay, Rei-chan.” Nagisa says soothingly, though her eyes still glimmer with light-hearted indignation that she wasn’t immediately informed of Haruka and Makoto’s new relationship. Haruka silently wishes Makoto luck with the interrogation she’ll most likely be receiving later. “We only knew because we’ve been Mako-chan’s friends for years.”

“And just you wait.” Rin says around a mouthful of her sandwich. “Give it a few days and they’ll be all over each other. I feel _so_ bad for you two. You don’t even know the amount of kissing that’ll be going on at school.”

Haruka shoots Rin an unimpressed look. “Well, duh. Makoto’s a better kisser than you ever were.”

“Are Rei-chan and I the only ones who haven’t kissed Haru-chan?” Nagisa cries while Rin chokes on her food.

* * *

“I want to touch you.”

Makoto’s pencil stops moving, and Haruka watches her face carefully for any signs of discomfort.

Tinker is lying in Makoto’s lap, dozing as the girl does her homework. Haruka has come to keep her porch door open during the day so Tinker can come and go as she pleases. Her favorite place to be is underneath the _kotatsu_ since Haruka is too lazy to put it up once winter ends. She’s become a somewhat permanent fixture in the house, and Haruka is actually pleased by it.

Green eyes flit up to meet Haruka’s nervously. “You… what?”

“Can I touch you?” Haruka amends, not wanting it to seem like she’s making a demand. Honestly, the thought just crossed her mind and she voiced it before she could convince herself no to. It’s not like wanting to touch Makoto is a new development, but Haruka is suddenly worried that she’s weird for wanting such a thing.

“I don’t know, _can_ you _?_ ” Makoto says, trying to make a joke out of it. Their mathematics teacher says it all the time, and Nagisa has driven Makoto to tears trying to impersonate him before.

Haruka resists the urge to roll her eyes. “You don’t have to say yes. I was just… wondering.”

Makoto chews on her bottom lip, rolling her pencil between her fingers. “… Okay.”

It takes a moment for the word to register in Haruka’s mind. “Really?”

Makoto nods, setting her pencil down atop her Classic Literature textbook. “I mean, you’re allowed to want that. We are dating.”

“Yeah.” Haruka says lamely, because now that she’s going to get what she asked for, her brain is suitably fried.

Makoto smiles, gently nudging Tinker off her lap, and the white-furred feline disappears underneath the blanketing of the _kotatsu_ as the brunette gets to her feet. She circles around the table to stand beside Haruka, and the blue-eyed girl stares at the hand that is offered to her for a brief moment before she takes it gingerly.

“You gonna freak out on me?” Makoto’s expression is fond, and her tone is light-hearted and teasing as she leads Haruka toward the stairs. “This _was_ your idea.”

Haruka scowls, struggling to ignore the rapid rate at which her heartbeat is increasing. “Oh, like you aren’t nervous.”

“’Course I’m not.” Makoto declares, but her brief little giggle, the one she makes when she feels awkward, is enough to convince Haruka otherwise. “It’s _you_. I’m not worried at all.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I know you’ll be gentle with me.”

“It’s not like I’m asking you to have sex with me!” Haruka blurts out, though her face burns immediately after. They’re in her room now, and Makoto hops onto Haruka’s bed to draw the blinds closed, glancing at Haruka over her shoulder with a coy little smile on her face. “Er, not yet anyway.”

Makoto blinks owlishly at that, but something about her expression seems quietly pleased. “What do you want me to do?” She asks quietly, thankfully not commenting on Haruka’s distressed rambling. “I mean… what are _you_ going to do?”

Haruka swallows thickly, climbing up onto her bed and sitting on her pillows. She doesn’t know how much is too much, if it’s too soon for them to be doing this at all, and Makoto seems to sense that, for she says, “It’s fine, Haru. I don’t think you understand how okay with this I really am.”

“I have an idea.” Haruka mutters, because now that the shock is fading, she’s really starting to look forward to this. “Just… take off your shirt and your shorts. You can leave everything else on.”

Makoto nods, and she reaches for the sleeve of her gray t-shirt, pinching the fabric and beginning to pull it down her arm. Haruka draws her knees close to her chest, leaning back against her headboard as she scrutinizes every move Makoto makes.

It’s no secret that her girlfriend is tall, taller than any of the other girls in their class. Sometimes Makoto actually forgets how big she is when she goes about her daily routines, so her movements on land aren’t nearly as graceful as they are in the water.

But as Makoto pulls her shirt over her head and shimmies out of her shorts, being careful not to jostle the bed too much, her movements are fluid in a way Haruka has only seen when Makoto swims. For a while, Makoto won’t look at her, fidgeting and toying with this and that, but then she settles on her knees, hands curled into loose fists on her bare thighs, and meets Haruka’s piercing stare.

As much as she’d anticipated this, for a moment, Haruka can’t find the will to move. She simply stares. She hasn’t really stopped to look at Makoto in a state of undress in weeks, not since _before,_ when she got caught staring at Makoto’s breasts after practice. Now that Haruka actually has a reason to stare, she takes complete advantage of it.

When she was younger, Haruka began to wonder if she wasn’t interested in men because of her seemingly unexplained fascination with women’s chests. Then the kiss with Rin happened, and she was absolutely certain.

Everything about Makoto’s body is perfect, from her toned yet somehow soft abdomen to the way her breasts fill every ounce of available space within her bra. Haruka should probably be embarrassed by the sheer _power_ of her fixation, but she doesn’t have enough room in her head presently.

“I thought you said you were going to touch me?” Makoto says after a while. Her neck is starting to turn pink, and the flush is slowly working its way down her chest. That fascinates Haruka as well, but she figures it’s time to move on, otherwise they’ll be sitting here all day.

“I will.” Haruka says, clearing her throat when she registers how hoarse her voice sounds. “Can you turn around?”

Makoto seems confused but does as she’s told, and Haruka shifts onto her knees so she can crawl toward her girlfriend slowly. She only asked because she doesn’t trust herself to keep her true feelings out of her expression. Some part of Haruka is still scared that whatever she has with Makoto is fleeting, and she’ll keep her aces up her sleeve until she’s certain she won’t lose everything at the end of the game.

Makoto flinches slightly when Haruka brushes her fingers over the skin just above the lace hem of her underwear, though it’s most likely just because she hadn't been expecting it. One must also consider the fact that whereas Makoto’s skin is always warm, Haruka’s has the tendency to be cold, and the older girl hopes it doesn’t bother her girlfriend too much.

She finds it slightly charming that Makoto’s bra and underwear match. The fabric is white and littered with pale blue polka dots, and Haruka shifts closer so her knees are almost brushing against Makoto’s body. She continues her exploration thusly, rubbing her fingers over the notches in Makoto’s spine as she works her way up.

Greedy though she may be, Haruka moves past the clasp of Makoto’s bra no matter how badly her fingers itch to undo it. They’ve been taking baby steps together, and they’ll continue to do so until Makoto says otherwise. Patience is a virtue, though it’s always been Haruka’s least favorite.

“Can I undo your hair?” Haruka asks, running her fingers through Makoto’s thick ponytail.

“Yeah.” Makoto replies, and her voice is so small and insecure that Haruka can’t help placing a lingering kiss to her shoulder, marveling at how soft her skin is before she carefully works the band out of Makoto’s hair.

Brunette locks cascade down Makoto’s back, and Haruka gathers it together in one hand, brushing it all over Makoto’s left shoulder. Rising up on her knees, Haruka presses herself against Makoto, nuzzling into the back of her neck. “You’re beautiful.” She breathes into Makoto’s skin, and her girlfriend shivers. “I just wanted to look at you, really. It wasn’t enough… sneaking glances when we changed after practice.”

“You could’ve said something. Before now, I mean.”

“We have time.” Haruka says simply. If not today, then tomorrow, and every day after that. She can’t say it, because no matter how brave she was in asking to see Makoto like this, it’s still the words Haruka has trouble with.

But as usual, Makoto hears what Haruka can’t say.

“Haru.” She says, imploringly, and Haruka leans forward to meet Makoto’s lips when the other girl cranes her neck around.

Immediately, it’s different than their previous kisses. Makoto’s mouth is hot and open, and neither of them can get close enough no matter how hard they try. Makoto is rocking and Haruka is throbbing, and her thoughts cannot keep up with this sudden ferocity.

But on the other hand, she feels calm in this space she’s created with Makoto. It feels as if nothing can touch her, not her depression, not her parents, and certainly not her memories. Makoto is safe. She is familiar despite the years of difficulty that ended their developing relationship, and Haruka never wants to leave her or this warm place they’ve found together.

The mere thought makes her want to break down and cry.

Makoto seems to come to life under her hands, surging with the confidence that has recently been stifled by the exhaustion that seems to follow the younger girl like a cloud. And Haruka is pliant as Makoto turns in her arms, grasping at Haruka’s face with one hand and her thigh with the other as she guides her back down against the pillows, not breaking contact between them for even a second.

Haruka is the one who pulls away first, shaky and overwhelmed as she turns her face away from Makoto and pants against her pillow, annoyed that she’s still wearing clothes but unable to do anything about it what with the way Makoto is pressing against her, chest to chest, hip to hip.

“We’re breaking one of my rules.”

Haruka glances back to Makoto, mind muddled by the realization that she can no longer hide. “Which one?”

“We both have to stay partially clothed at all times.”

Haruka laughs through her nose. “What are you, a prude? And you still have your bra and underwear on.”

Makoto grins, her hair still tossed over her shoulder, creating a curtain beside Haruka’s face that blocks her view of her bedroom. It’s normally something that would set Haruka off, aggravate her claustrophobic tendencies, but she’s okay, _more_ than okay.

Everything is Makoto, green and warm and safe, and Haruka isn’t surprised when Makoto encircles her wrist with gentle fingers and pulls her arm up and over her back, pressing Haruka’s cold fingers to the clasp of her bra.

“You don't have to just look and not touch anymore, Haru.” Makoto says, and Haruka is consumed.

* * *

Nagisa is almost a completely different person when she’s on her period.

Haruka is hesitant to call the girl terrifying, but Makoto and Rei seem to agree with her, so it must be at least partially accurate.

On the first day, Nagisa had to sit out at swim practice because she absolutely refused to wear tampons. No amount of careful persuasion on Rei’s part could convince her. So the blonde sat out, watching the others swim with a look on her face that Haruka was absolutely certain would make a police officer a little suspicious.

On the second day, they all went over to Rin’s house to watch tapes of Olympic medalists that one of the supervisors over at Samezuka had given her. Haruka isn’t actually sure what Rin had said to Nagisa, too focused on the tape as she was, but Nagisa’s snappish, “I will bleed on _everything_ you love,” was enough to startle everyone in the room.

On the third day – today – they were eating lunch on the roof when Nagisa abruptly started crying into her lunchbox.

“Nagisa!” They’d finally gotten Rei to stop being so formal when she addressed them. “What’s wrong?”

“My cramps are _killing_ me, Rei.” Nagisa said pitifully, and at that point, they all knew it must’ve been pretty bad.

The three of them helped Nagisa down to the nurse’s office without prompting. Well, Haruka followed behind as Makoto and Rei helped the distressed blonde to walk. Makoto had been fussing like a mother while Rei talked to Nagisa to try to keep her mind off the pain, so there wasn’t room for Haruka to do much of anything. Still, she understood completely what her friend was going through.

After they got Nagisa settled, Haruka and Makoto headed back up to the roof. Rei stayed behind to be with Nagisa until the medicine the nurse had given her kicked in, and Makoto promised to bring their lunches back down for them if they didn’t return before lunch ended.

So, Haruka and Makoto sat on the roof by themselves, pressed close together, not really eating their lunches so much as picking at them listlessly. After a while, they give up completely.

“Poor Nagisa.” Haruka says, drawing her knees close to her chest once she sets her lunchbox down on the concrete. “I hope the medicine kicks in soon.”

“Yeah. Me too.” The flat quality of Makoto’s voice catches Haruka off guard, and she glances at the other girl only to find that her eyes are closed. She’s frowning deeply, and Haruka stares at her girlfriend’s mouth, put off.

“Are you okay?” Haruka asks, unable to keep her worry from seeping into her tone. While it hasn’t escaped her notice that Makoto’s been acting a little off lately, she’d thought the problem would’ve corrected itself by now. Makoto tends to be cranky when she doesn’t get enough sleep, but it’s odd that she hasn’t been sleeping well for almost a week now.

Makoto doesn’t say anything for a while, and Haruka starts to wonder if she really did manage to nod off, but then she mutters, “Not really.”

“What’s the matter?”

“It’s – “ Makoto sighs, and her eyes flutter open. She looks so tired, and Haruka makes a small, sympathetic noise in the back of her throat. “It’s nothing, Haru.”

“It’s not nothing.” Haruka says insistently, shifting so she’s facing Makoto, her right leg bearing most of her weight. She reaches up to touch Makoto’s face, the shadows under her eyes. “I can tell you aren’t sleeping well. You can tell me if something’s bothering you, you know.”

She doesn’t want Makoto to think that she can’t come to Haruka with her problems. Sure, Haruka has plenty of her own, and maybe they’re more deeply rooted than whatever is bothering Makoto, but that doesn’t make her problems any less damaging than Haruka’s own. Makoto has sworn to be there for Haruka no matter what, and it’s the least the blue-eyed girl can do to return even an ounce of that devotion.

Makoto sighs again, deeper this time, and it really isn’t acceptable for her to be so sad. “Will you – Will you go somewhere with me after school?”

“Of course.” Haruka replies, shifting again so her forehead is pressed to Makoto’s temple.

They’ve become more physical with each other since the day Haruka asked to touch Makoto. That one evening had added an element of intimacy to their relationship that, surprisingly, they didn’t have before. Makoto was the only one who got completely undressed, but Haruka had still felt more naked in those moments than she ever had before, even more than when Makoto found her in the bathtub pretending to be water.

Makoto nods minutely, leaning into Haruka’s touch, and the older girl places a brief kiss to Makoto’s warm cheek. She’s not sure what’s going to happen once school ends, but she’ll go wherever Makoto needs her to. She owes her that much.

* * *

They don’t take the usual way home from school.

Makoto is leading the way, Haruka no more than half a step behind her so she can easily follow the other girl’s path. It takes a while, but as the air turns salty and the wind starts to pick up, Haruka realizes that Makoto is leading her toward the ocean.

She stops abruptly once the thought settles in her head, a frown tugging at the corners of her mouth. Makoto stops as well once she realizes that Haruka is no longer beside her, and the expression on her face is just short of pleading.

“Why?” Haruka demands. “Why are we going to the beach?”

Makoto shifts her weight, grasping at her elbow almost awkwardly. “… My nightmares have gotten worse.”

Her exhaustion finally makes sense, and Haruka is furious with herself for not putting two and two together before now. “Makoto – “

“I don’t want to be afraid anymore.” Makoto cuts her off, tone sharp and gaze sharper. “I want to be able to spend a day at the beach with my friends without freaking out about it."

Haruka knows that Makoto is terrified. She _knows._ But Haruka herself hasn’t been near the ocean since her own nightmare, the one that nearly destroyed everything she’d worked so hard to achieve for herself. She knows that, logically, nothing will happen to either of them. The day is a beautiful one, with gentle breezes and a clear sky.

But the mere thought alone is enough to bring that image of Makoto to mind, sopping wet, dusted with sand, _not breathing,_ and Haruka just wants to take her girlfriend’s hand and lead her away from this place, screw conquering her fears.

“I can do it if you’re with me.” Makoto says quietly. “I _know_ I can. Please?”

Rin is correct when she says Haruka is whipped, but the blue-eyed girl is also damned as she gives in and falls into step beside Makoto again, right at her side now that she’s knows where they’re going.

Makoto walks with a sense of purpose, but once the beach enters their sights, she starts to slow down. Haruka sticks to her like glue, hyperaware of every twitch, every breath Makoto takes, ready to react if her girlfriend decides she wants to change her mind.

But while Makoto may be sensitive and easily spooked, she is not a coward, and she’ll keep moving until her legs simply won’t let her.

They stand together on the street for a while, just staring out over the water. Makoto’s breathing has gone shallow, and Haruka realizes she’s about to witness how the water truly affects Makoto. She saw her in the aftermath of a nightmare about it, yes, but this is different.

This is the place where the fisherman Makoto idolized was killed. This is the ocean that took Rin’s father away. There’s nowhere to hide from those memories.

Makoto breathes out harshly through her nose and then stoops over, taking off her shoes. Haruka follows suit, tucking her socks into her loafers, and the burn of the concrete against her skin means nothing to her as she reaches over to take Makoto’s hand. Her girlfriend offers her a shaky smile before they step onto the beach together.

“Wow.” Makoto says. Her steps are careful and deliberate, and Haruka takes care to match them precisely. “I almost forgot what sand felt like.”

“It’s nothing special.” Haruka murmurs. “Gets stuck _everywhere._ ”

Makoto hums, but her carefully controlled demeanor starts to melt away the closer they wander to the surf. Haruka can feel Makoto’s fingers twitching involuntarily. Her steps slow even more. Her grip tightens to the point of pain, to which Haruka is no stranger.

“My grandma used to take me down here a lot before she died.” Haruka says before she can stop herself. Makoto stiffens the slightest bit. “Something about the ocean spray… she always loved it.”

Gently, Haruka starts to pull, guiding Makoto further down the beach where the sand isn’t as hot or loose. She spares a quick glance to make sure it’s okay, and while Makoto is biting fiercely at her bottom lip, she doesn’t struggle.

“I used to… “ Haruka pauses, staring out over the waves. Loose strands of hair that fell from her ponytail throughout the day whip at her face vengefully, as if asking what she thinks she’s doing. She’s not supposed to talk about her grandmother. She’s supposed to forget. “I used to run off as soon as she let go of my hand. All I wanted was to swim, even if the water was too choppy.”

A wave chooses that moment to rush at their feet, coming up to their ankles, and Makoto freezes, a small, strangled noise escaping her. Haruka decides they’ve gone far enough and holds their position, pressing close to Makoto’s side. “You see that buoy?” She asks, gesturing across the surf with her free hand. Makoto doesn’t reply, but Haruka knows she’s looking. “I always wanted to see if I could swim out to it, but Grandma never let me. She said I’d tire myself out and end up taking a nap out there.

“So, I would stand right here.” Haruka continues. “And I’d let the waves lap at my legs. You feel how gentle they are? Now remember how small and skinny I was back then. On windy days, these waves were enough to knock me flat on my ass. And Grandma would laugh and say, ‘And you wanted to swim out to that buoy, you silly girl.’”

Makoto sniffs, and Haruka glances up at her again, worried that she’s said the wrong thing.

But to her shock, Makoto doesn’t look all that upset, Her evergreen eyes are shining with tears, yes, but her trademark smile is still present on her face. Haruka takes a moment to openly stare, confronted by a strong sense of deja vu. For some reason, Makoto looks happier than she’s ever been, and it’s then that Haruka realizes that the other girl has stopped shaking.

“Haru.” She says with a breathless little laugh, and Haruka wants to throw herself at Makoto and kiss her senseless, but her legs won’t move. “ _Thank you_ _.”_

“I didn’t do anything.” Haruka says, stunned, because she spoke of her grandmother and the world didn’t end. She’s fine. “You decided to come here.”

Makoto drops her shoes, abandoning them to the mercy of the tide, and Haruka stands completely still as the taller girl envelops her in a warm, consuming embrace. “I’m okay.” Makoto says shakily, her voice thick with tears, and Haruka can feel them as they slide down her neck. “I haven’t been to the beach in years and yet I’m still okay. It’s _you_ , Haru. I love you. _So_ much.”

Haruka’s throat tightens as Makoto starts to cry in earnest, though she’s in control, and the outburst doesn’t speak so much of sadness as it does relief.

One of these days, Haruka will ask Makoto how she managed to hide her feelings all these years. Because when she says the words out loud, they’re much too potent to be coming from a girl of sixteen. Emotions have the power to weigh a person down, and while Haruka was suffering from sadness all these years, Makoto was under the influence of something else entirely.

When Makoto tells Haruka how she feels, she does it powerfully, as if she’ll never get the chance to admit it ever again. Haruka can only imagine how much it must hurt. It’s only been two months and she’s already head over heels.

Haruka loves Makoto, but at this moment, she’s more proud of her than anything, and she releases her hold on her shoes to hug Makoto in return, and if there are people roaming around the beach or simply passing by, Haruka doesn’t care.

They’ll only see what they want to see, anyway. They’ll only get part of the story. The rest is between her and Makoto, and that’s how it will stay.


	9. Chapter 9

Haruka wakes up before her alarm clock goes off.

For a moment, she's confused. She went to bed happy, exhausted but content, skin still tingling from the parting touches Makoto had given her before returning to her own house for the night.

She didn't dream, not of her grandmother or of Makoto, so her drastic shift in mood is off-putting. The unprecedented return of her sadness is enough to push Haruka over a dangerous precipice, and the silence in her house makes her ears ring.

Haruka doesn't bother with a bath, hurrying down to the kitchen dressed only in her nightshirt and underwear. She finds her pot underneath the sink and drags it out from the darkness. It's special and isn't kept with the rest of her dishes and cookware. It's almost as if she goes out of her way to hide it from anyone who might look through her cabinets.

She turns on the stove. Normally she would fill the pot with water first, but she's cold. Everything is cold, the room, her skin, and Haruka hates, hates, _hates_ it, fingers fumbling desperately with the dial that adjusts the burner's temperature. Only then does Haruka run the sink water, not bothering to shut it off once the pot is full as she hauls it back to the stove and sets it down.

Water sloshes over the edge, falling to the stove's surface with a burst of steam and a quiet hiss, and Haruka waits, shaking with her sickness, wondering if she should start with her legs or her arms, hands or feet, but whatever it doesn't even matter, _anything_ to get the job done –

"Haru?"

She freezes.

Makoto is early.

Haruka doesn't dare turn around, just stares hard at the metal of her burner as it glows dark orange.

It's one of her least favorite colors, second only to yellow. They make her head hurt. No colors should be that happy.

Makoto is quiet. There's no way she doesn't know what Haruka is doing, and the older girl knows she can't pass this off as nothing, act as if she was just making breakfast.

She's probably staring at the back of Haruka's legs, identifying the burn scars and recalling their individual stories. Haruka has told her the ones she remembers. And if Makoto hadn't caught her in the act, Haruka probably would have had a hell of a time explaining the new ones.

Haruka glares at her pot, hot tears of humiliation sliding down her face. She's let Makoto down, let _everyone_ down, in the worst way possible. She's caught, and there's nowhere to hide. Now Makoto knows how weak Haruka really is.

Makoto's footsteps are soft and slow as she approaches Haruka from behind, and the other girl stays completely still, watching as bubbles start to rise to the surface of her pot.

Warmth envelops her right hand, and Makoto interlaces their fingers, squeezing so tightly Haruka can feel her pulse where their palms are pressed together.

"I'm here." Makoto says without a trace of disappointment, and Haruka nearly sags with relief, chest shuddering as she barely manages to suppress a hiccupping sob. "You're okay, Haru, I'm right here."

"I don't want to be here." Haruka means the house. How she's managed to survive there by herself for so long is beyond her, but she's sick of it and needs to get out. She'll go crazy. She can't take the silence anymore.

"I know you don't." Makoto sounds calm, but it's an act, it has to be. She must be so scared. "One day at a time, okay?"

Haruka doesn't say anything, but she reaches out with her unoccupied hand to turn off the stove.

Bide her time. That's all she has to do, keep it all locked up until her parents come back for her.

She needs to tell Makoto. She has to tell her so the other girl won't wake up one day to find Haruka gone, vanished, as if she never existed.

But the words won't come, and Haruka cries while Makoto holds onto her.

She may have turned off the stove for the first time ever, but she's still weak.

* * *

When Haruka receives a text from Rei at eight o'clock on a Saturday morning, she knows something is up.

' _I need to talk to you. In person, if that's okay,'_ is all the message says, and Haruka tries not to worry too much as she responds with, _'Okay. Come over whenever.'_

Tinker is already outside, waiting for her breakfast, and she trots into the house when Haruka opens the sliding door leading out to the porch, weaving around the girl's legs with a rumbling purr.

Haruka had gone with Makoto and the twins to a pet store about a week ago. She never spends the full amount of money her parents send her each month, so it wasn't a huge deal to go out and buy meager things to make her little stray more comfortable in the house. The cat toys were mostly the twins' idea, and they love to come to Haruka's once school ends to play with the white cat since the ones near their own house aren't sociable.

Tinker never seems to know quite what to do with herself when confronted with things that are, for all intents and purposes, her own. Haruka has to wonder if the feline has ever lived with humans before or if she's been a stray all her life. Either way, she seems to be happy with the arrangement, spending her days at Haruka's before disappearing again once the sun goes down.

Some part of Haruka wishes Tinker would stay, if only so she wasn't completely alone in the house at night.

Haruka is in the living room when a knock sounds on her front door. She's been trying but failing to finish her homework so she doesn't have to worry about it for the rest of the weekend, and she's thankful for the distraction as she pushes herself to her feet and heads for the door.

"I'm sorry." Rei says at once. She looks like she rushed over as soon as Haruka responded, as she's only wearing a pair of black sweatpants and a dark purple tank top, probably what she slept in the previous night. Both Rei and Nagisa have to take the train to get to school, and Haruka knows that under normal circumstances, Rei would never use public transportation looking – in her eyes – unkempt. "I didn't wake you up with my message, did I?"

Haruka shakes her head, moving aside so Rei has room to step into the entryway. "I've been awake since six-thirty. Couldn't sleep."

She leads Rei into the living room where her school supplies are strewn about. Tinker is curled up on Haruka's backpack, and her tail twitches as the two girls enter the room. "I didn't know you had a cat." Rei says when she spots her.

"I don't. Not really, anyway." Haruka says crossly, stooping over to pick Tinker up and move her off her backpack. Cats are weird. It's as if they know the places where you _don't_ want them and then proceed to claim them as their own. Haruka is going to have a bitch of a time picking the cat hair off her backpack. "She's just a stray I take care of."

"I see." Rei says with a slight laugh, setting her purse down on the floor before seating herself next to it, leaning on her forearms as Haruka sets to work distracting Tinker with one of her new toys. "I have a cat at home as well. He likes to lay on my club jacket after I wash it."

"Evil, evil kitties." Haruka tosses the rubber mouse she's holding into the next room and watches as Tinker dashes after it, out of sight. She then sits down at the _kotatsu_ across from Rei, pushing her textbooks onto the floor carelessly. "So." Haruka says. "What did you wanna talk about?"

Rei seems to deflate slightly, and she sighs heavily, pushing her glasses up slightly so she can scratch at the bridge of her nose. "Haruka-s – _Haruka,_ I have a question for you."

The little slip doesn't go unnoticed, but Haruka chooses not to comment. She knows Rei is a creature of habit and that it will take a while before she's comfortable addressing Haruka and the others informally.

"Okay, shoot."

"How did you know that you were attracted to females?"

Haruka can only stare. "You… want to know how I knew I was gay?"

Rei nods, her expression almost eager, and Haruka sighs, because it is _way_ too early for this.

"I don't like penises." Haruka says, tugging the sleeves of her sweater down over her hands as she speaks. "They're weird and gross."

"Is that all?"

"Well." Haruka pauses, pursing her lips thoughtfully. "It's not like I hate men. Gou's cool, but he's just a friend. I don't see him or any other guy in a romantic or sexual way and I never have."

Rei drums her fingers atop the table, and there's a slight frown on her face. She seems frustrated, though it doesn't seem to be directed at Haruka. "What is it about girls that you like?"

"Well, they're more mature than guys, for starters." Haruka says, and she knows she wouldn't be saying any of this stuff if she weren't so fucking tired. "Girls show their feelings more, so a relationship probably wouldn't be as confusing. They're prettier and softer, and they smell a hell of a lot better. They're kind and sweet. They blush _a lot,_ it's easier to read their minds, they're more gentle – "

Haruka cuts herself off with a start when she realizes she's starting to describe Makoto.

"And, um, I like boobs." Haruka finishes after clearing her throat. Rei seems to be hanging off her every word. "More than I probably should."

For a moment, Rei doesn't react, but then she nods, slowly, as if deciding something. "Okay. Thank you, Haruka."

Haruka waits for her friend to continue, but when she doesn't, she's confused. "Why was that so important that you had to come here so early?"

"It's gotten to a point where I can't sleep." Rei groans, and she takes off her glasses, setting them on the table and rubbing at her eyes with the heels of her palms. "I can't stop _thinking_ about this!"

"Does it bother you that Makoto and I are dating?"

"What? No, not at all!" Rei exclaims. "It's the opposite! It's like I'm seeing things clearly for the first time."

Haruka eyes the other girl warily. "Are you okay? Are you sick?"

"No, I'm just – " Rei pauses, pressing her palms to either side of her face, pursing her lips almost in exasperation. "I think I might be the same way."

"What, you think you're a lesbian?"

Rei doesn't respond, though she doesn't seem fazed, and Haruka recalls when they first met, when Nagisa said she swam breast and Rei got flustered.

Come to think of it, whenever Nagisa says something even remotely suggestive, Rei starts acting weird. But if Haruka, Makoto, or Rin were to say the same thing, Rei probably wouldn't bat an eye. She's a girl of accuracy and science, and she doesn't react childishly to certain words as some her age might.

Haruka said she didn't like penises and Rei didn't even choke. Huh.

All at once, realization dawns. How she didn't see it before, Haruka doesn't know. She blames her lack of sleep.

" _Oh."_ She breathes, eyes widening the slightest bit. " _Nagisa_?"

"She's been messing me up since day one." Rei moans, letting her arms fall back to the table. They're stretched out, palms facing the ceiling, and it almost looks like she's pleading with Haruka. "I've never entertained the idea of becoming romantically involved with someone before, not ever _._ It seemed pointless and stupid. But when Makoto-s – _Makoto_ told us you two were a couple, I realized that I kind of want that with Nagisa."

"Kind of?" Haruka echoes, somewhat amused. "You either do or you don't, Rei."

"Okay, I do." Rei laments. She has yet to put her glasses back on, and her violet irises shine with such sincerity that Haruka doesn't even think to doubt the girl's feelings. She knows that look. She's seen it before. "I _really_ do. More than anything. And it's getting ridiculous, because I'm losing sleep over this, and… Haruka! How do you _function_?"

"One day at a time." Haruka says with a slight smile, though she wonders if Rei can tell it's self-deprecating. "Makoto makes me crazy, but she's worth it. I think you should tell Nagisa."

"Oh, no." Rei retorts immediately, and the expression on her face speaks of true horror. "No way, I couldn't possibly."

"Why not? You're losing sleep, right? I bet you'd feel better if you told her."

"But what if – "

Haruka picks up her pencil and taps Rei's wrist with it, fixing her with what she hopes is a stern look. "Don't over think it. The worst that could happen is that she tells you she's straight or that she just cares for you as a friend. And Nagisa would never stop being your friend over this. I promise that you'll only feel worse if you keep it from her."

Rei sighs. "I guess you're right. I can't imagine keeping this to myself for the rest of my life."

"If it helps," Haruka says, "I think you two would be cute together."

Rei actually manages a smile at that, as if Haruka's opinion truly means that much to her. "It does help, actually. Thank you so much for listening to me."

"What else are friends good for?" Haruka says flatly, though she's only joking.

"Could you not mention this to anyone? At least not until I work up the nerve to tell Nagisa?"

"Yeah, sure thing."

Rei stays for another two hours. After she sees the homework Haruka was trying to work on, she offers to help, and Haruka is too tired to deny her. However, she is grateful, and she manages to finish her mathematics and science homework much quicker than she would have by herself.

She walks Rei to the door and waves her goodbye, but once Rei clears the steps, Haruka is dashing back to the living room, falling to her knees beside the _kotatsu_ and pushing countless papers aside until she locates her phone.

' _Guess what'_

It takes Makoto less than a minute to respond. Haruka wonders why Makoto is awake before she remembers that her girlfriend has two siblings that rise with the sun. _'Seijuro asked Gou on another date and he actually said yes to her?'_

' _Rei just came over and told me she's attracted to girls, specifically Nagisa'_

' _WHAT?!'_

' _She made me promise not to tell anyone Makoto, what is my life I just want to go back to bed'_

' _DON'T MOVE, DON'T SLEEP, I'M COMING OVER RIGHT NOW'_

Haruka feels pretty shitty for tattling to Makoto almost immediately, but they tell each other pretty much everything. When Rei told her to keep it a secret for now, what Haruka really heard was, "Don't tell anyone aside from Makoto."

The blue-eyed swimmer sits back on her knees, releasing a short breath that disturbs her dark bangs. She turns her attention to cleaning up before Makoto gets there, leaning around the side of the table to reach for her backpack.

And _of course_ Tinker is there, sitting with her tail curled around her paws, staring up at Haruka with wide green eyes.

Haruka glares at her. "See if I share my mackerel with _you_ ever again."

* * *

"Haru, my leg is falling asleep."

Haruka glances up from her notebook, eyes narrowed to slits. "I thought I told you not to move."

Makoto groans, shoulders sagging the slightest bit, and it's enough to make Haruka's inner artist shriek with indignation. Truthfully, school isn't the best place to sketch Makoto, for the posing options are very limited, but Haruka was struck with inspiration and hadn't been able focus on anything else until Makoto agreed to sit still for a while.

They have a free period right before lunch, so Haruka's been sketching Makoto since it started. Her girlfriend is at her desk as she usually is, but she's sitting sideways in the chair, facing Haruka. One leg is drawn up to her chest, arms wrapped loosely around the area just above her shin and chin resting atop the knee. Unfortunately for Haruka, Makoto wears spandex underneath her skirt, otherwise the view would be extraordinarily pleasant.

For a while at least, Makoto was content to sit quietly and let Haruka have her way. Her eyes and expression were soft as she watched Haruka work, and the older girl made sure to draw those first, if only to document the moment. But the position wasn't exactly pleasant to hold, and Makoto's expression slowly changed with her discomfort as the hour progressed.

"I'm serious, I can't feel it." Makoto continues, close to whining. She almost sounds like Ran. "And my back hurts, too."

"I'll give you a massage after school." Haruka says, though she's distracted, concentrating on the curl of Makoto's fingers. "Now go back to being the perfect model, please."

Makoto is actually pretty silent for a few precious moments, but it's fleeting. "Wait, do you mean you'll give me an actual massage, or a _massage?_ "

Before she knows what's happening, Haruka is glancing up from her notebook and fixes Makoto with a piercing stare. "Depends. Are you going to sit still for me?"

"That's not fair." Makoto says petulantly, though her body is more stiff than it's been for the past half hour, and Haruka is entirely too pleased with herself.

Things between her and Makoto have been… strange, ever since Makoto caught Haruka right before she would've burned herself after stopping for nearly a week. Haruka isn't sure if she truly needs to worry about anything, for if she doesn't think about it, it feels as if nothing has changed.

But something _has_ changed. She just can't figure out what.

"You'll get a reward either way," Haruka promises, "even if it's just this drawing once I'm done."

Makoto's lips twitch as if she's fighting off a smile. She really is the only one who can tell when Haruka is joking if the blue-eyed swimmer isn't being obvious about it. "I can live with that."

Haruka is about to go back to her drawing when she notices that one of their classmates is watching them. Or more specifically, watching _Makoto._

Oftentimes, Haruka forgets her classmates exist. Her attention hardly ever strays from her girlfriend, and Haruka's small world essentially revolves around Makoto, Nagisa, Rei, Rin, and anyone associated with the club.

When she notices anyone outside their circle, it usually isn't a good thing. And when it's a _male_ classmate, historically, Haruka is susceptible to overreacting.

And the awful thing about history is that it tends to repeat itself.

Haruka stares at the boy until he notices her. As she does, she realizes that it's the same one who asked to talk to Makoto before swim practice one day, when Haruka got upset and left her clothes strewn over campus because she was too pissed off to care. When their eyes meet, Haruka feels her expression morph into something especially unpleasant, and her classmate is quick to look away, turning back to his friends.

"Haru." Makoto says, sounding somewhat surprised. Haruka looks back to her only to find that Makoto has dropped her position and is looking at the boy. "What did you do that for?"

"It's rude to stare." Haruka says tonelessly, closing her notebook. She's no longer in the mood to draw anyway.

"It's rude to do what you just did when someone hasn't done anything wrong!"

"He was annoying."

Makoto sighs, and her expression now speaks of true exasperation. "Haru, you don't need to be jealous."

"I'm not." Haruka snaps. Thus far, they've kept their voices relatively quiet, and what with how loud their classmates can be, everything they've been saying has been to each other. But Haruka's voice rises with her temper, and those closest to her glance at their corner curiously before looking away again. "It doesn't even matter, you don't like boys anyway."

"Well." Makoto hesitates. "That's not true."

Haruka blinks. "What?"

Makoto shifts in her seat, pressing her knees together awkwardly as she had the day she asked Haruka to join the swim club. "I do like boys. I just like you more."

"… Oh." Haruka doesn't know why she's so surprised. She shouldn't have assumed Makoto was just like her, but they've never talked about it, and Makoto hasn't shown any interest in the boys in their class before.

But then, Haruka wouldn't know. She spent nearly five years being oblivious to Makoto and everything she did.

"Haru." Makoto says again, leaning forward in her chair to reach across the isle and place her hand on Haruka's knee. She looks nervous, and it upsets Haruka, because her girlfriend has no reason to be. Yet again, she hasn't done anything wrong. "Please don't be mad."

"I'm not." Haruka says. She shouldn't be, but she is, mostly with herself, because she keeps forgetting that she'll be leaving soon.

Makoto doesn't deserve to be left behind while Haruka continues to run from her past. It wouldn't be fair of Haruka to ask her to wait. And it's slowly becoming a possibility in Haruka's mind that Makoto could find someone else while she's gone, someone better, someone who isn't sad and lonely and bitter as Haruka is.

"I – " Haruka starts to tell her, but loses her nerve almost immediately. This isn't the time or the place to tell her girlfriend she's leaving. "I'm fine, Makoto. I'm just being stupid, is all."

"You're really not." Makoto reassures her, squeezing Haruka's pale knee once before pulling her hand away. "But just remember that I love _you,_ okay? Gender doesn't have anything to do with it."

"Okay." Haruka says, though she doesn't think anything could be that easy.

Maybe Makoto loves her now, but she might not always. And while Haruka is off who-knows-where doing who-knows-what, Makoto should have the choice to be with someone who makes her happy, another girl, or perhaps a boy.

Haruka _knows_ gender doesn't have anything to do with it. Makoto could've had her pick out of dozens of potential partners. It's just that she chose the _worst_ one possible.

And Haruka is guilty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There won't be another huge confrontation between Haru and Makoto again. Haru just lets her thoughts run wild and often jumps to the worst case scenario. And even if Haru doesn't think she deserves it, she's gonna want to spend whatever time she has left with Makoto, I promise you that.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, guys!

Her phone rings at the worst possible moment, when Haruka is pressed against Makoto from behind, her hand down the other girl’s pants, with Makoto’s muffled moans filling the quiet of Haruka’s bedroom.

Makoto is self-conscious in this way, and she’s always careful to stifle any sounds she might make when Haruka touches her. Haruka doesn’t really mind, as she knows it’s something Makoto will grow out of with time.

And despite Makoto’s attempts, she can’t stop all of her involuntary reactions when Haruka plays with her body like this. She’s wired tight with mounting pleasure, and her hips cant in minute little motions with every shift and press of Haruka’s fingers.

Even without verbal confirmation, Haruka knows that Makoto enjoys every second of her administrations, for her talents don’t revolve solely around the pool.

For a moment, Haruka is content to ignore her phone and continue pleasuring her girlfriend. They hardly ever get to do this when they’re at Makoto’s house, as Ren and Ran could burst in at any given moment.

Makoto is pliant and warm and enticingly slick and yet…

It’s her mother’s ringtone.

Makoto’s little noises take on a frustrated edge as Haruka withdraws her hand, fingers trailing through thick curls in her ascent up Makoto’s fluttering navel. “I have to answer it.” Haruka murmurs, pressing a kiss to Makoto’s mused hair. “It won’t take long.”

“Better be important.” Makoto says as Haruka crawls over her and slides off the bed. Her eyes aren’t entirely focused, and she hooks an arm around the pillow she’s lying against as she struggles to track Haruka’s movement.

She isn’t wearing a shirt, it having been long discarded, and Haruka can see Makoto’s heart pounding against the skin of her chest even as Harula roots through her purse for her phone, being careful to keep the hand that was previously occupied with fingering Makoto completely to herself.

Haruka must be crazy, leaving her girlfriend like that just to talk to her mother.

“Hey, Mom.” She says upon answering the call, leaning against the wall near the door and keeping her gaze firmly on Makoto. She’s not sure if the other girl notices, as far-gone as she seems, but after a moment, Makoto starts sliding her thighs together, and rosy, bitten lips part with a helpless whimper before she buries her face in the pillow. “What’s up?”

“Hi, sweetheart.” Wherever her mother is, it’s definitely loud. Haruka has to strain to hear her. “What are you up to?”

“Not much.” Haruka says, allowing her voice to take on that dead, toneless quality her parents have probably come to expect. The tingling throb from before that was threatening to overtake her is starting to subside somewhat, and that simply won’t do. “I was just sitting down to eat dinner.”

“You’re disgusting.” Makoto groans from the bed.

“Oh, well, I won’t keep you then. I was just letting you know that Dad and I will be back in town next Friday to get you.”

Haruka’s quirked smile instantly vanishes. “Oh.”

“How have you been? Do you feel any better than you did the last time we talked?” Her mother sounds worried, and Haruka is somewhat angered by it. She’s been sick for years and it’s taken her parents this long to finally ask the right questions.

“I’m… I’m fine.” Haruka says after some hesitation, and Makoto’s minute grinding motions cease. “I feel a lot better.”

She lifts her head from the pillow, blinking blearily over at Haruka. Her expression is no longer clouded with barely restrained lust but open concern.

“Haru.” Makoto says quietly, and Haruka’s throat tightens.

“That’s good to hear, baby.” The noises from the other line rise in a roaring crescendo of sound before her mother speaks again. “Make sure to pack what you want to bring with you when we leave. We’re going to put the house on the market, and whatever’s left inside goes to the buyer.”

“Okay.” Haruka replies, staring hard at Makoto’s exposed collarbone.

Her grandmother had left the house to Haruka in her will, but the blue-eyed swimmer doesn’t have any energy left to fight with her parents about selling the home she grew up in.

Part of Haruka wants to preserve the memories. The other part simply wants to burn the house to the ground with everything in it.

“Well, that’s all I had. Your father’s in a meeting right now, otherwise I’d put him on the phone.”

“It’s okay. I know how busy you guys are.” Haruka says.

Makoto’s frown deepens.

“Alright, Haruka, I’ll talk to you later. I love you.”

“Love you, too.” Haruka says shortly before she hangs up, tossing her phone back into her purse flippantly.

Makoto watches her approach the bed once more through slightly hooded eyes. “What did she say?”

“Nothing.” Haruka replies, swinging her leg back over Makoto’s body so she can straddle her hips. Makoto moves with her so she’s lying on her back, but she doesn’t look reassured. “It doesn’t matter.”

Makoto knows better than to argue, though that doesn’t stop her from switching tactics. “Please don’t lie to your parents when they ask if you’re okay. You have to let them help you.”

Haruka shrugs. “I’ve only had myself to rely on for so long. It’s easier.”

“Don’t say that.” Makoto says softly, reaching up to take Haruka’s face in her hands. “You have me now, remember?”

“Like I could forget.” Haruka replies, reaching up to grasp one of Makoto’s wrists. She turns her head slightly to plant a kiss to the center of her palm, and she begins to rock her hips slowly, deliberately, trailing the fingers of her free hand, still slick with the evidence of her girlfriend’s previous arousal, down Makoto’s arm. “Can we not talk about this? I just want to make you feel good, Makoto.”

“It isn’t just about me.” Makoto says again, but her eyes lose most of their intensity as Haruka continues to rock against her bare stomach. “Be selfish for a change, Haru _._ ”

“I’m the most selfish person I know.” Haruka shifts, guiding Makoto’s arm above her head on the pillow as she bends over to kiss her girlfriend solidly on the mouth. Makoto sighs into it and wraps her free arm around Haruka’s shoulders, fingers twining into the short hairs that rest at the nape of Haruka’s neck.

“You can’t hide from me.” Makoto breathes when they part. Haruka hooks a finger into the waistband of her sweatpants, and Makoto lifts her hips off the bed so Haruka can have an easier time of removing them. “You try, but you can’t.”

Haruka slides down Makoto’s body, leaving a trail of open-mouthed kisses down her chest and stomach, pausing in her descent only to graze her teeth over the patch of skin at Makoto’s hipbone that always sends her moaning to the ceiling.

That’s the scary thing about her relationship with Makoto, made even more frightening by the fact that Makoto herself recognizes it.

Haruka has survived so far by hiding, from her parents, her classmates, and herself. If no one could see how broken she was, Haruka had a better chance of ignoring her own shortcomings until the last possible moment.

Then Makoto came along and changed everything. She shined a bright light into every darkened crevice where Haruka’s monsters chose to hide, forcing Haruka to realize every single one of them for herself. Makoto can see her sickness, but she still loves her despite it, and she wants to help her.

 _Thank you._ Haruka thinks as Makoto falls to pieces under her fingertips. _Thank you for not giving up on me._

* * *

A bright light shines into her room, forcing its way into Haruka’s subconscious and dragging her up and out.

“Get up, loser, we’re going on an adventure.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Haruka mumbles to herself, one eye peeking open as she reaches up to push away the flashlight Rin is shining in her face. “How did you get in here?”

“You really should start locking your doors.” Rin says conversationally. She’s wearing a hoodie and a pair of running shorts, looking for all intents and purposes that it isn’t an ungodly hour. “Hey, no going back to sleep! We came all this way to include you.”

“ _We_?”

“Yeah, Nagisa, Rei, and Makoto are downstairs.”

Haruka is slightly more awake at the mention of her girlfriend, but not enough to get her out of bed. She slides her bare legs together under the blankets, gripping at her pillow as she glares up at Rin hatefully. “There’s no way you got Makoto to leave her house at night. When we have school tomorrow. Without her parents’ permission.”

“Took a lot of persuasion, but once I said we were gonna kidnap you, she was all too willing. C’mon, don’t let your girlfriend down.”

“She should’ve known I wouldn’t want to come.” Haruka huffs, flipping over so she’s facing the wall and her back is to Rin. “ _Go away_.”

The redhead heaves a giant sigh, and the floorboards creak as she shifts her weight. “Okay, Haru. Have it your way.”

Rin’s footsteps are loud and heavy as she leaves the room, closing the door behind her, and Haruka relaxes, closing her eyes and settling in for, hopefully, another few hours of undisturbed sleep.

But things almost never go her way.

Her door opens again not too long after Rin leaves. “What’s the deal, Haru-chan? Rin-Rin said you don’t want to come with us!”

Haruka sighs, opening her eyes to glare at the wall.

If there’s one thing to be said about Matsuoka Rin, it’s that she doesn’t play fair.

* * *

“Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise.” Nagisa says for the umpteenth time. She and Rin seem to be the only ones who know where their destination is, and they share a knowing look as they trek through the dark, deserted streets.

Haruka scowls, though she doesn’t say anything else as Makoto’s fingers tighten around her own, urging her to just go with the flow. Rei yawns on her other side, probably the most dead of the group. She often says she needs at least eight hours of sleep to function properly, and Haruka imagines that it was only her inclination toward Nagisa that made her decide to come.

“You always could’ve said no, Haru.” Rin calls over her shoulder.

“She says that like I actually had a chance against Nagisa.” Haruka grumbles to Rei and Makoto.

“I’m sure something good will come out of this.” Makoto says, always the optimist. Haruka would rather they were all at home, Makoto especially so she can catch up on all the sleep she lost thanks to her nightmares, but if they’re forced to be awake, at least they’ll be sleep-deprived together. “Rin and Nagisa seem to be pretty excited.”

“How can you tell?” Rei asks drily. She’s nearly as thrilled as Haruka to be out of bed at this hour. “They just seem smug to me.”

Makoto laughs. “Well, I’ve known them longer, I guess. It’s in the way they walk.”

Rei says something in reply, though Haruka isn’t really listening as the two of them start to converse back and forth. She’s starting to pay more attention to their surroundings, and the further they trek, the more she starts to remember.

She and her grandmother walked this path dozens of times, hand in hand, just as Haruka is walking with Makoto now. The realization makes Haruka’s buzzing eyes widen, because she hardly remembers anything from back then.

“We’re going to the swim club, aren’t we?” Haruka asks, loud enough for Rin and Nagisa to hear.

“Oh, boo, Haru-chan ruined the surprise!”

“You aren’t serious.” Makoto says, clearly exasperated. “You dragged all of us out of bed at eleven at night just to take us to the club?”

Rin and Nagisa stop walking, and while Rin keeps her back to them, Nagisa turns just enough so that they can see her face.

She looks so sad, suddenly, and Haruka exchanges a glance with Rei while simultaneously tightening her hold on Makoto’s hand.

“I heard from one of my coaches at the Academy that they’re gonna tear the club building down soon.” Rin says. Haruka can’t place her tone. “I thought we should… I don’t know, pay our respects or something.”

“That makes sense, but why did I have to come?” Rei asks after a few moments of silence. Makoto and Nagisa seem genuinely upset, though Haruka stays quiet mostly out of respect. “I didn’t swim here with you guys.”

“Eh, who cares?” Rin says flippantly, beginning to walk again and leaving the others to trail after her. “You swim with us now, and that’s what matters. Let’s move it before we’re spotted, ladies.”

From the outside, the Iwatobi Swim Club doesn’t look all that spectacular. Haruka stares up at the building, trying to conceal her disappointment. Since she reconnected with Makoto, Nagisa, and Rin, the club has been a sort of enigma, a hazy staple of their friendships with each other.

The other three speak of it so fondly, and while familiar, it just seems to be a regular building to Haruka.

“What if it’s haunted?” Nagisa says suddenly, when the five of them have been standing in the courtyard longer than is really necessary. “I mean, it’s been abandoned for a few years, right?”

“Well, shit, Nagisa.” Rin side-eyes Makoto when she says it, and Haruka shoots Nagisa an annoyed glance. “You could’ve kept that one to yourself.”

“Ghosts aren’t real.” Rei says, tucking her arms close to her chest and rubbing at the bare skin on her arms, as if she were cold. “And I think we would know if someone had died here in the past.”

“ _But,_ “ Nagisa says lowly, standing on her tiptoes to drape an arm around Rei’s shoulders, gesturing at the air with her other hand in an elaborative manner, “what if someone _did_ die and _that’s_ the reason the club shut down. What if there was a conspiracy to keep the truth hidden from us?”

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this.” Makoto says. She usually is the voice of reason during their exploits, but there is a hint of reluctance in her voice as she stares at the abandoned building through the dark. She really does have an overactive imagination, and Nagisa’s earlier comment hadn't helped any. “We could get in trouble.”

“Live a little, Makoto.” Rin says. “No one’s gonna care that we’re here. And if there _are_ wayward spirits wandering the halls, you’ve got your girlfriend to protect you.”

Haruka rolls her eyes, though Makoto does clutch to her a little bit tighter.

“Yeah, Haru-chan will protect you, Mako-chan! But don’t worry, I brought a bag of sugar from home to ward off any ghosts.”

“You’re thinking of _salt,_ Nagisa.”

The building smells of dust, and it’s cold despite the warmth of the night. The five of them trek through the dingy halls carefully, and Makoto makes sure to keep behind Haruka, holding on to the fabric of her dark-blue cardigan despite the impossibility of them getting separated.

It comes as no surprise to Haruka that the building is infested with mice, and Rin cries out and swears every time one crosses her path. Nagisa never hesitates to laugh at the intensity of the redhead’s reactions, and Rin threatens to ditch them more than once, though Haruka sees through her bluff.

Her idea though this may have been, Rin is just as creeped out by the abandoned building as the rest of them.

“Does any of this ring any bells for you, Haru-chan?” Nagisa asks after nearly fifteen minutes of exploration.

“Not really.” Haruka places a hand on the wall, fingering a large spot where the paint has worn and chipped off due to negligence.

She’s actually impressed by her ability to bury the things she doesn’t want to face. Aside from the general route, nothing else about the club is striking a chord within her.

Haruka had felt a sense of déjà vu when they walked into the lobby, when Makoto gestured to a desk and told her that Coach Sasabe – the man who apparently helped them all to refine their abilities as children – used to sell little trinkets before and after practices.

“We both wanted the same dolphin toy.” Makoto had said. For a moment, she hadn't been nervous about their surroundings but instead calm as she looked back on what was apparently a fond memory. “I took a different one in the end, but you were so stubborn about it. Do you still have it?”

Haruka had only shrugged, somewhat discouraged by her lack of memory, and made a mental note to look for the little dolphin toy when she went home.

“I bet you’ll change your tune once you see the pool.” Rin says, and her voice echoes throughout the hall. “I refuse to believe you forgot _everything._ ”

“Did you have a bad time here, Haruka?” Rei asks. She hasn’t said much, instead choosing to spectate quietly and nod along whenever Nagisa says something that absolutely demands some form of response. Haruka wants to ask if Rei’s confessed yet, but not when Nagisa is around. “Usually memories are repressed due to a traumatic event.”

“I think I had good times here.” Haruka replies, though she leaves it at that.

It would be too hard to explain that she’d only wanted to forget anything good that involved her late grandmother. It was easier to believe that she’d always been sad than to face the reality that she’d had happiness and lost it. That would only make the ache unbearable.

Rin directs them back to the main floor, and they walk down multiple flights of stairs that lead them to a door that looks like it hasn’t been opened in a long time. Nagisa is the one who reaches for the handle, and they all cringe at the permeating sound of rusted door hinges shrieking in protest at Nagisa’s enthusiasm.

“Hey!” Nagisa exclaims, and she glances back at Makoto, still safely concealed behind Haruka, with excitement in her eyes. “It’s the trophy room.”

It’s easily the best-kept room Haruka has seen so far, so someone must care enough to maintain it despite the general disrepair of the building. It isn’t a big room, with three walls covered in pictures and lined with trophy cases and a fourth comprised of windows that look out over the pool, which, much to Haruka’s chagrin, is drained of water.

Makoto finally decides to release her hold on Haruka’s cardigan, most likely feeling safer now that they’re in a closed space. Still, Haruka extends her hand to her, which Makoto immediately takes with a slight smile on her face.

“Oh, wow, it’s my old man.” Rin is standing in front of the wall of pictures with Rei at her side. Nagisa is rummaging through a cardboard box on the other side of the room, though she glances over her shoulder when Rin speaks. “I forgot this picture was here.”

“He swam in a relay here, too, didn’t he?” Nagisa asks, though she’s back to examining the box’s contents. “Wasn’t that the reason you joined the club in the first place?”

“You got it.”

“You look a lot like him.” Rei says kindly, and Haruka leads Makoto over to them, wants to get a better look at the photograph.

All the boys in the picture have hair ranging from darker blacks to lighter browns, but only one has the same all-consuming, shit-eating grin that Haruka has come to associate with Rin. Once she realizes that, the resemblance is almost uncanny.

Rin makes a sound between a laugh and a snort as she bumps her hip against Rei’s. “Thanks, Rei. Everyone says Gou and I look more like our mom.”

“It’s the hair.” Nagisa chimes in.

“Look, here’s our picture.” Makoto says, reaching out with the hand that isn’t grasping Haruka’s to point at a frame a row below the one Rin’s father’s is in.

Rin and Rei scoot over to crowd at Haruka’s left side, but the blue-eyed swimmer is too busy staring at the photograph to be bothered that her space is being invaded.

She knows that Makoto, Nagisa, and Rin are there, smiling in triumph after a relay well-won, but all Haruka can see is herself, smiling, laughing, Makoto under one arm and Rin under the other. It’s clear that they are best friends, that they love each other and the sport, and Haruka can only marvel at how _happy_ she looks…

… and despair at the fact that she can’t remember that moment.

“You guys look so _little._ ” Rei says, and there’s something akin to awe in her voice. “Makoto! Haruka was taller than you?”

“At one point, yeah.” Makoto laughs. “I used to hide behind her when I got scared. Well… I guess I still do, actually.”

“I was about to say.” Rin sniggers.

“Here’s the trophy we won!” They all turn at the sound of Nagisa’s voice. She stands up from her crouched position beside the box, holding a moderately sized trophy in her hands with a pleased smile on her face. “It still looks brand new.”

“That day was literally the best.” Rin says. “And I’ve been to the Sydney Opera House.”

“Sometimes I still can’t believe we won.” Makoto adds. “I think it had a lot to do with you and Haru, though.”

“Oh, whatever, your backstroke has always been unrivaled. And I’ve never seen anyone use their arms completely when swimming breast like Nagisa does.”

They go back and forth like that, complimenting one another in taunting voices, and Nagisa and Rei laugh like it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever seen, but Haruka stays silent.

She’s felt this before, the awkward hesitance of being an outsider, but it seems much more potent now that she’s in the club building, has seen the picture of the four of them after the relay and the trophy they received for being the best.

Haruka hadn’t recognized her younger self in the picture.

She knows that Makoto, Nagisa, and Rin accept her for the way she is now, but she can’t help but be sorry that she isn’t the girl they swam the relay with all those years ago.

“Why do you look so sad, Haru-chan?” Nagisa asks, and Haruka jolts slightly as she’s pulled from her thoughts.

“I want to swim.” Haruka replies immediately. The other three might believe it, but she’s almost positive that Makoto sees through her.

“Too bad the pool is drained.” Rin says sourly. “What I wouldn’t give to race you where it all started, Haru.”

“Hey, I have an idea!” Nagisa says, shoving the trophy into Makoto’s chest. The green-eyed girl lets go of Haruka’s hand to take it, and Haruka wipes the sweat that Makoto’s warmth created onto her jeans. “C’mon.”

She heads for the door that leads to the pool, and the others follow after her. The pool area is more open than any room they’ve seen so far, and in theory, it should smell better. But the air is musty and stale, smells of ancient chlorine, and Haruka wrinkles her nose as Rei lets out a loud sneeze.

“Well, this just isn’t right.” Rin exclaims, voice muffled by the hem of her hoodie, which she has pulled up over her nose and mouth. “Nagisa, you have awful ideas.”

“It’s not that bad!” Nagisa exclaims, spinning around to face them all. “Okay, get in a circle and sit down. We’re gonna play a game.”

“What game?” Makoto asks, though she does as she’s told, setting the trophy down on the rusted tile beside her and crisscrossing her legs. Haruka, Rin, and Rei all follow suit, and Nagisa and Rin place their flashlights in the middle of their little circle.

Nagisa waits until they’re all situated before revealing her grand scheme, which she cheerfully announces to be Never Have I Ever.

“Can you be any more unoriginal?” Rin sighs, and Nagisa leans over to poke her arm a few times, most likely striving to annoy. “God, I haven’t played that game since I was in Australia.”

“You guys know how to play right?” Nagisa asks, addressing Haruka, Makoto, and Rei. The three of them nod, and that settles the deal. “Okay! First one to put down all ten fingers loses. Rin-Rin, you go first.”

“Never have I ever gone down on another girl before.” Rin says immediately, grinning wickedly at Rei’s exasperated shout of, “Way to start off gentle!”

“I thought the point of the game was to keep yourself in it.” Haruka says drily as Rin lowers one of her fingers.

“Eh, I’m gonna lose anyway.” Rin says with a shrug. “I’ve done a lot of shit. Indulge my curiosity while I’m still in the game.”

Haruka resists the urge to roll her eyes and curls her thumb into her palm. After a few beats, she sees Makoto’s own finger lower from the corner of her eye.

“I knew it!” Rin cackles. “Aw, Mako-chan, you’ve grown up.”

“Stop.” Makoto groans, though there’s a tight-lipped smirk on her face when Haruka spares a glance. A few weeks ago, Makoto would’ve been blushing to her ears and trying to lie her way through this. Haruka thinks that maybe she hasn’t been a good influence on her girlfriend. “You’re so nosy.”

“That’s so weird to think about.” Nagisa says, mostly to herself, shifting her gaze between Haruka and Makoto. “Was it good?”

“Nagisa!” Rei exclaims, shooting Haruka a glance.

Haruka wants to shout for Rei to confess, but of course, she doesn’t. “Try it out one day and see.” She says instead.

Nagisa giggles, and Rei looks just about ready to pass out on the spot.

“Okay, your turn, Makoto.” Rin says.

“Okay, um… never have I ever gotten a serious reprimand at school.”

Haruka thinks things over while Rin and Nagisa lower a finger each, but she is able to keep her remaining nine fingers up this round. She might have been the poster child for problem students for a few years, but no teacher or administrator ever said anything to her about it.

“Never have I ever worn makeup.” Haruka says, and she feels more than a little triumphant when everyone aside from her lowers a finger.

“I still don’t believe that.” Rei says.

“No one ever taught me how to wear it properly.” Haruka explains before she can think better of it. “Besides, it’s way too much effort.”

“Maybe we should all not wear makeup for a day.” Nagisa chimes. “I wouldn’t mind getting to sleep in a little more.”

“We have to take it off before practice anyway.” Rei adds.

“Alright, we get it, Haru wins at life.” Rin cuts in, and Haruka smirks. “Your turn, Nagisa.”

Nagisa purses her lips and furrows her brow as she thinks. She’s obviously taking this very seriously. Then, all at once, her back straightens, and a somewhat wild edge takes hold of her expression. “Okay, I’ve got it. Never have I ever had a crush on Rei-chan!”

She lowers one of her own fingers immediately, and for a while, no one says anything. Haruka can’t help but glance at Rei, whose violet eyes have gone wide as she stares at Nagisa’s hand. Nagisa seems pretty proud of herself, though it’s obvious she wants Rei to say something.

Haruka and Makoto share a glance.

“I’m not even surprised.” Rin says. “We’re all about as straight as this circle.”

It takes another moment, but then Rei’s shoulders start to shake and she snorts and everyone simultaneously bursts into fits of hysterical laughter.

Even Haruka can’t help herself, though she turns to bury her face in Makoto’s shoulder in an attempt to hide. Her stomach and face hurt, and she can’t even remember the last time she laughed this hard.

But the moment doesn’t last. The sound of a door opening breaks through their laughter, and Makoto screams, latching onto Haruka in a vice-grip, who is so startled she doesn’t really know how to react.

“Whoa, whoa!” A voice says, one that Haruka doesn’t recognize, but she can’t turn around to see who it is with Makoto clutching at her as she is. “Easy, girls, I didn’t mean to scare you!”

“Coach Sasabe?” Rin is on her feet, flashlight gripped tightly in one hand as if she’d prepared to use it to protect them all. “What the hell are you doing here? It’s nearly midnight!”

“I could ask you the same question.” Haruka manages to crane her neck around to get a look at the intruder. Something about him seems familiar, from the way his blond hair is styled to the slightly exasperated expression on his face. “I was heading home and saw that the front door to the building was open. You do realize this is trespassing, Rin?”

“Kinda slipped my mind.”

Haruka glances up into Makoto’s face, which had paled considerably when Coach Sasabe walked in. She’s regained some color, and she smiles sheepishly as she lets go of Haruka.

“Well, I’ll be damned.” Coach Sasabe says suddenly. “Is that you, Haruka?”

“Um… yes?” Haruka replies, turning to look at him once more, and Rin snorts.

“Man, I haven’t seen you since you were barely up to my waist. You still swimming?”

The man seems genuinely interested, and Haruka feels badly that she doesn’t quite remember him. Another memory the others share that she and Rei don’t.

But it somewhat hits her then that what they’re doing right now is making their own memories, new ones that Haruka and Rei can take part in. Haruka can accept the haze that is her past if she has more moments like these to look forward to.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Well, good for you! Your freestyle was the best I’d ever seen for a rookie. Would’ve been a damn shame to let all that talent go to waste. Now I feel the need to tell you girls that you should leave before you’re all caught.”

Haruka smiles and nods before turning back to her friends, who seem to have recovered from the scare of Coach Sasabe’s entrance. Nagisa stands up before offering a hand to Rei to help her to her feet, which the girl accepts, and Haruka has a feeling things will work out for them.

“Still upset you had to come, Haru?” Rin asks.

Haruka shakes her head and stands, picking up the trophy they all won together as children. “Not really. But wake me up again and you’re dead.”

* * *

Rainy days were bad ones.

Multiple factors came together to create her overall mood, the sound, the smell. It all reminded Haruka of her grandmother, and for a long time, that was the last thing she wanted.

They used to sit under the awning over the porch, she and her grandmother. They would stick out their hands and let the drops land on their skin. Her grandmother never smiled more than she did when the sun was gone, hidden behind countless layers of the darkest clouds Haruka had ever seen.

Her own love for water came from her grandmother. The woman carried the scent of rain with her everywhere, like a perfume, and Haruka’s worst day came when she realized the house no longer smelled like her.

Rainy days made the ache unbearable. Haruka would close every window in an effort to keep out the scent, and she would listen to music at the highest level to drown out the downpour.

In doing so, Haruka never dealt with the problem. She buried it as far down as it would go and refused to acknowledge it until she almost lost Makoto and her friends because of it.

But perhaps it was the best possible thing. Her friends have made her realize that memories aren’t a bad thing, that they can actually soothe the ache, if only Haruka lets them.

And so on the next rainy day, when Makoto is sitting on Haruka’s bed with Tinker in her lap, Haruka unlatches her window for the first time in years and pushes open the pane.

She wants her memories.

Rain is good again.

* * *

It’s eating her up inside, the anxiety and _guilt,_ the idea of not knowing how Makoto will react when Haruka tells her that she’ll be gone by the end of next week.

She’s tried to tell her multiple times since Coach Sasabe found them all in the club building two days ago. She wants to give her girlfriend time to come to terms with it, or else she might never forgive Haruka for up and leaving so suddenly. But whenever Haruka tries, her throat tightens and the words won’t come.

Haruka’s always been a coward, but for Makoto, she needs to be brave.

She waits until she simply _cannot_ stay silent, lest she allow her emotions to overcome her and cause Makoto to worry.

They’re in Haruka’s bed, not really doing much of anything. Makoto’s on her back, eyes closed as she dozes lightly. Haruka’s curled up beside her, one arm tucked close to her chest while the other is draped over Makoto’s stomach.

Haruka finds herself staring at nothing, thinking about just as much, and her eyes are unfocused, a blur of the skin of Makoto’s neck and jaw and the wall. She can feel Makoto’s pulse from where she’s tucked into the curve of her jaw, and Haruka blinks sluggishly, her own heart pounding under the knowledge of what she’s about to do.

No more waiting.

“I need to tell you something.”

Makoto makes a small noise of acknowledgement, a slight hum that thrums against Haruka’s cheek. The blue-eyed swimmer waits a few moments, summoning her courage, before she says, “I’m leaving.”

Makoto keeps breathing, still drowsy from the warmth and quiet of the afternoon. “Where are you going?”

“Away.” Haruka mumbles, pressing closer to the warmth of her girlfriend’s body. “With my parents.”

Nothing about the way Makoto feels changes, but Haruka is too scared to lift her head and see the expression on her face.

“When?”

“After prelims. I’ll probably leave the next day.” Makoto starts to shift, but Haruka panics and tightens her one-armed grip, refusing to let her move. “I can’t stay here.” Haruka continues in a rush, fighting past the steadily growing burn behind her eyes. “I’m getting better, but there’s so much that I’m not ready to deal with. I just… I don’t want to be alone. And I know I have you and the others, but it’s not the same, Makoto, it’s _not._ ”

“Haru.” Makoto says, but she trails off, reaching up to lay her hand over the arm Haruka has wrapped around her.

The silence is consuming, and Haruka is unnerved by it. The memory of the state she was in when she initially wanted to leave is enough to keep Haruka from changing her mind. She never wants to get that bad again, and she truly feels that going with her parents will be the best thing.

Truthfully, Haruka misses her mother and father fiercely. Even if they did leave her alone, they’re still her parents, and they still take care of her despite being so far away. They pay the bills and call whenever they can.

Her parents _tried._ They just didn’t know that their daughter responds better to physical presence than she does far-off intentions.

“We’ll make it work.”

Haruka hesitates, certain that she’s hearing things. “What?”

Makoto laughs a little. “Did you think I was going to freak out? It’s okay if you go with them, Haru, you don’t need my permission.”

Haruka shifts so she’s propped up on an elbow and stares down at Makoto incredulously. Her green eyes are slightly wet, but the small grin on her face is impossibly reassuring.

“I don’t want to leave you.” Haruka murmurs.

“You won’t.” Makoto says with conviction. She understands what Haruka is really saying. “Leaving Iwatobi doesn’t mean leaving me. We still have our phones, you know.

“You helped me overcome my fear.” Makoto continues softly, running her thumb over the fine hairs on Haruka’s arm. “So, I’ll help you overcome yours, no matter what it takes.”

Haruka is floored. It can’t be that easy. Makoto is good, but she can’t possibly be this accepting.

But this is what Makoto is good at, exceeding Haruka’s previous expectations, so the blue-eyed girl really shouldn’t be surprised.

“I love you.” She finds herself saying, and she doesn’t flinch away when the weight of the words become known to her.

Makoto only smiles wider, eyes crinkling at the corners, and Haruka doesn’t know why she expected anything less. “I love you, too, Haru. Always have.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't even realized it had been so long since I updated this. Anyway, I apologize, and thanks for being patient!
> 
> The next chapter may or may not be the last. I'm still trying to see if I can get everything resolved in one final swoop.

The four of them spend more time at the pool the closer preliminaries get.

Haruka doesn’t think she’s ever been quite so busy in her life, though for a change, she doesn’t once think of complaining. Truthfully, she never feels like herself anymore unless she’s with her friends.

With all the practicing they do, the teachers at the school eventually seem to decide that it isn’t worth it to try and kick the girls out of the pool once their allotted time ends.

And they’re all grateful for it. With all the competitive air that consumes the school, the last thing they want to do is forget the reason they swim in the first place.

“You think Rei-chan could hold me on her shoulders?”

Haruka shrugs, wrapping her arms around her knees from her spot at the pool’s edge. “Try and see what happens.”

“Don’t encourage her.” Rei says shortly, a pitifully resigned look on her face as Nagisa starts to tug on her arm. “What if I drop you and you get hurt, Nagisa?”

“Rei-chan.” Nagisa says slowly. “We’re surrounded by water.”

Haruka shakes her head, pressing her mouth to her forearm to hide her small smile. It hasn’t been long at all since Nagisa confessed to having a crush on Rei, but the two of them have somehow managed to move their relationship forward to a place that took Haruka weeks to reach with Makoto.

But she’s so happy for them. They’ll never know how much.

“Just duck under.” Nagisa instructs, dragging Rei through the water to the shallower end of the pool, where Rei’s feet can touch the bottom. “I’ll climb on and then tap your head when I’m ready.”

“Why exactly is this so important?” Rei asks, though she doesn’t struggle.

“I’m bored!” Nagisa exclaims, glancing over at Haruka. “We can’t leave until Mako-chan and Rin-chan show up.”

“I don’t see why we couldn’t.” Haruka says. “I mean, they know we’ll be at my house. I could just message Makoto and tell her to meet us there.”

The five of them will be leaving for Tokyo in the morning, where the preliminaries will be held. Rin has an obligation to go with her teammates at Samezuka, but she’ll stay with them for as long as she can. Tonight, they’ll sleep at Haruka’s house and then head for the bus station in the morning.

The mounting anxiety for the races would be consuming if Haruka’s thoughts weren’t already preoccupied with something a bit more pressing.

She’ll leave with her parents the day after she returns from Tokyo, and aside from Makoto, she’s yet to tell anyone. Haruka has already made a grievous error by waiting until the last minute to tell her friends, so there’s really nothing stopping her from continuing to stay silent.

Rei and Nagisa are happy, and Rin is busy preparing for her future. The last thing Haruka wants is to upset them.

“Don’t you ruin this for me, Haru-chan!” Nagisa shouts, pointing an accusatory finger at Haruka. “We’re staying right here. Rei-chan, get underwater.”

Rei shoots Haruka an exasperated look before taking a large gulp of air and ducking underneath the surface. Haruka watches with interest as Nagisa moves forward, hovering over Rei’s distorted figure with a look of pure concentration on her face.

“Alright.” Nagisa says once her squirms have started to settle down. Her arm moves as if she’s patting Rei’s head under the water, and Haruka wonders why she even bothers to say anything since Rei can’t hear her. “I’m good, Rei-chan.”

The water ripples as Rei straightens back up, and Nagisa lets out a small gasp as she struggles to maintain her balance atop Rei’s shoulders. Slender fingers rise up to grasp at the pale skin of Nagisa’s thighs, and Rei shakes water out of her eyes as she continues to hold onto Nagisa.

“Booya!” Nagisa cries out, throwing up a curled fist in victory. Haruka rolls her eyes. “I’ve always wanted to do this, but no one would ever agree. Thanks, Rei-chan!”

“You’re welcome, but… what am I supposed to do with you now?”

“Just sit still and let me enjoy the view.” Nagisa says, hunching forward slightly so she can see Rei’s face and swiping her bangs off her forehead. The movement is slow and filled with so much care even Haruka notices, and Rei’s blush says a lot of things words can’t. “Oh, hey, here come Rin-chan and Mako-chan.”

Haruka hears the gate opening as Nagisa speaks, and she turns her head slightly to watch as her friend and girlfriend enter the pool together.

“Oo, Mako-chan, your hair looks so cute!” Nagisa coos, patting Rei’s head once more. “Turn around so you can see, Rei-chan.”

“And it didn’t cost her a penny.” Rin says proudly. “Looks pretty damn good if I say so myself.”

“I didn’t know you could cut hair, Rin.” Rei says as she slowly turns around in the pool. “Wow, it does look really professional.”

“It’s not that hard. I cut Gou’s hair all the time.”

Haruka examines Makoto carefully while the others talk, taking in the new length of her thick, brunette hair. It barely reaches her shoulders now, and while Haruka had always loved how long Makoto’s hair was, this new look adds something different to her girlfriend’s appearance, though Haruka can’t figure out what, exactly.

“At least it’ll be easier to fit underneath a cap when I swim now.” Makoto says, and the smile she shoots Haruka is a little nervous. “What do you think, Haru?”

The look in Rin’s eyes practically dares Haruka to say anything negative about it, and Haruka almost manages to get upset, because she likes everything about Makoto, down to the slightest change.

“It looks really good.” Haruka says sincerely, uncurling from her balled-up position and leaning back against her palms, shooting Makoto a lazy grin. “Less to hold onto, though.”

Makoto’s smile is consuming, and Rin crosses her arms over her chest with a sigh. “Leave it to you to make a simple haircut sexual, Haru.”

“Oh, shut up. I’ve seen how you get when Nitori stretches before meets.”

Nagisa and Rei start to giggle while Rin simply shrugs. “Eh, what can I say? I’m insatiable.”

“Are you guys ready to go?” Makoto asks. She and Rin both have their overnight bags, and Haruka pushes herself to her feet, already changed out of her swimsuit and rearing to finally head home for the day.

“Yes.” Rei replies immediately. From the inward curl of her shoulders, Nagisa’s weight is starting to get to her. “Come on, Nagisa, time to get off.”

“Well, it was fun while it lasted.” Nagisa says reverently before falling backwards into the water, taking a shrieking Rei down with her.

* * *

The night is dark and cool, so the five of them spend most of their time outside once they reach Haruka’s house.

This will be the first time the Iwatobi girls actually travel a great distance to swim, so it’s safe to say they’re a little nervous. Rin tries to reassure them as best she can, practically a veteran after competing in so many different places, and Haruka finds that she appreciates Rin’s encouraging words, despite the fact that they’ll be on different teams come tomorrow.

Rei and Nagisa head back inside around nine, claiming that they’re ready to get some sleep, but Haruka has a few ideas as to what they really want to do and doesn’t try to follow them.

Instead, she stays outside with Rin and Makoto, talking about nothing and everything as they prolong sleep as best they can. Haruka is the one who nods off first, curled up on the grass with her head in Makoto’s lap, and she manages a small power-nap before hushed voices drag her back to the surface.

Gentle fingers are running through her hair when Haruka comes to, pausing every now and then to massage the skin just behind Haruka’s ear in tiny circles, and the blue-eyed swimmer keeps her eyes closed simply to savor the feeling.

“What do you mean she’s leaving?” That’s Rin’s voice. Haruka doesn’t do anything to alert Makoto and Rin to the fact that she’s awake, but her blood runs cold once the words register. She already knows what they’re talking about. “Like… for good?”

“I don’t know.” Makoto says, voice soft and hesitant. Haruka isn’t angry that her girlfriend said something to Rin without talking to Haruka about it first. Makoto isn’t like that, so something must’ve happened while Haruka was sleeping. “She’s going to live with her parents after prelims.”

“Why?” Rin demands. Something sounds off about her voice, but Haruka can’t place it. “Did they find out about what happened?”

“Haru told them. Things are bad for her, Rin. She’s not happy here.”

“ _Still?_ But – I mean – She seems happier to me.”

 _Because I am,_ Haruka thinks, but it’s still not enough to keep her here.

“Some things have gotten better, but there are bigger issues. Things we can’t help her with. I think being with her parents will be good for her.”

“Oh, please. They fucking left her here alone and didn’t bother checking on her enough to make sure she was okay.” Rin sounds positively livid, and Haruka is surprised, because it really hadn't registered in her mind that Rin cared so much. “Haru wouldn’t have gotten so bad if they’d just stayed with her.”

Makoto sighs, though her fingers never stop moving through Haruka’s hair. “Maybe. Maybe not. Anyway, it’s not our place to say what’s best for Haru. She knows her own limitations, and if she thinks leaving is for the best, then I’m going to support her. You should, too.”

Rin is silent for some time, and Haruka wonders if the rapid beating of her heart will give her away, but Makoto doesn’t say anything if she notices.

“I just – “ Rin’s voice pinches, and it’s a struggle for Haruka to remain quiet. “I know I have no right to say this, but I missed her a lot while I was in Australia. And I know you had it bad, being here by yourself. How can we let her leave now when we just got her back?”

Haruka doesn’t understand how Rin can say that she has no right. Ever since they started talking again, Rin has been nothing but a good friend to Haruka. They butt heads sometimes, sure, but that’s just how their relationship is. And Haruka is sorry that she apparently hasn’t done a good job of communicating how much Rin means to her.

“She’ll come home eventually. This won’t be forever.”

“She knows that we care, right? She’s not leaving because she doesn’t feel welcome?”

“Of course she knows.” Makoto says reassuringly. “If there were another option, she’d stay with us, Rin, trust me.”

“If you say so.” Haruka hears shifting in the grass, the sound of barely suppressed sniffles. “I need to pee.”

Haruka listens to Rin’s retreating footsteps intently, trying to ignore the burning sensation behind her eyelids, but then Makoto speaks again. “You can stop pretending to be asleep now.”

Not all that surprised, Haruka opens her eyes and peers up at Makoto. “How did you know?”

“I can just tell.” Makoto says fondly, though her eyes still seem a little sad. “How much did you hear?”

“Enough.” Haruka mutters, nuzzling into Makoto’s thigh and wishing that she'd just slept through everything. She feels even more sick and guilty now than she has all week. “Rin’s not happy.”

“She’s just worried about you.” Makoto says, and Haruka shifts onto her back, staring up at the star-speckled sky with her head still resting on her girlfriend’s lap. “And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to tell her, she just – “

Makoto trails off, and Haruka flicks her gaze back to her, curious. “She just, what?”

“She was talking about what we were going to do after prelims. She wanted all of us to stay in Tokyo for a few days and sightsee, but I knew you’d have to leave and wouldn’t be able to. I think she saw my expression and knew something was up.”

“So, she weaseled it out of you.”

“More or less.” Makoto shrugs, expression somewhat sheepish. “I am sorry, Haru.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Haruka sighs. “It was going to come out at some point.”

Makoto nods, and they sit in silence together. Haruka knows intuitively that Rin won’t be coming back outside, so she’s content with just immersing herself in Makoto for a while, trying not to think about her own uncertain future.

“We’ll make the most of this.” Makoto says eventually. “We’ll have fun and dominate our heats and you won’t regret a thing when you go.”

Haruka is quite certain she’ll have countless regrets to speak of in the foreseeable future, but all she says is, “You’re certain we’ll win all our heats?”

“Well, duh.” Makoto says seriously, and Haruka almost laughs at the stern expression on her girlfriend’s face. “The Iwatobi girls are unmatched. I’m the captain, so I think I’d know.”

“My bad.” Haruka laments, and Makoto drops the façade as she smiles, leaning down far enough to place a gentle kiss to Haruka’s forehead.

It’s weird, not finding herself enveloped by a curtain of dark hair, but Haruka finds that she likes the slight tickle of Makoto’s shorter locks against her face.

“You need to tell Nagisa and Rei.” Makoto says once she straightens. Her tone leaves no room for argument, though it’s still soft and warm in a way only Makoto can pull off. “You’ve put it off long enough.”

Haruka knows her girlfriend is right, but she _really_ doesn’t want to see Nagisa cry. “I’ll tell them tomorrow. There’s no point in waking them up now.”

“It’s for the best.” Makoto says, and although Haruka agrees, the prospect of tomorrow still doesn't seem anything less than a threat.


End file.
